I haven't ate since dinner last night. All I had today was a can of soyabean milk, and a can of Coke I'm sipping now. I'm not even hungry. Weird huh? Maybe my body'd adjusted to living on soul-food now - reading.
So, anyway, I came across this picture on the Net a while ago.
Yea well ignore the Marios. They're cute, but its not the point.
Who are you?
Who am I? Who am I really?
Am I the ditzy, half-witted bitch I feel at times? Am I intelligent? Am I the dual-personality woman, having my own idiosyncratic gestures or behaviour, or am I one of the millions of similar women in the world?
It's one of the most rudimentary questions on Earth. Heck, I've asked and been asked a thousand times.
Who are you? And I believe most people's answers will be, "Oh I'm Jennifer / I'm an American / I'm a girl / I'm James from ..." yada-yada, but repeat the question again, I reckon most of them will quieten down and think.
And if I ask myself right now, "Who am I?" My answer will be:
"I'm Jennifer Lim, a 20years old girl-to-be-woman, going thru the motions of her life. Succumbed to a sea of lust, raging hormones, sensitivities and uncertainty, drowning any sec. I strude aimlessly thru my life right now, but I have a life-long wish: To migrate to America and continue my studies in a college. To know James Marsters in person there.
To be able live the life I want; To act, to entertain, to sing, to throw myself into what I'm passionate about. If it doesn't work out, I hope to find a stable, albeit boring, job and spent the rest of my life there."
I just want to live my life free.
Frivolous? Maybe. But I've never deterred from that dream before. I still wish to be able to migrate to America or England one day and live the rest of my life there. And I'm also suffocatingly in love with everything James Marsters with a depth that overwhelms me.
I've tried dozens of times to convince myself I'm not, so I won't be taken as a laughing stock for going so goo-gaa over a celebrity, but I've given up.
He's in my throat, my guts, my mind, my heart. I'm subdued by him.
Anyway... I'd really thought about studying and working in America. Most prolly Cali / L.A / NY. Get into a college there, major in English, take up literature and psychology etc, and then live there for the rest of my life. J.M is a delicious bonus.
Of course there's the missing home part... And the bf part. I'll never be able to realise my dreams if I stay with Mel, because he's determined to stay in Singapore. Be patriotic, he says.
Am I being un-patriotic by dreaming of migrating? I don't think so, frankly. What's wrong to yearn for something you really want? It just isn't the point. I'll still love everything about Singapore if I'm able to leave her one day.
Besides, I have too many things holding me back, too many constraints. How do I explain to my mum and loved ones if I suddenly pack my stuff and fly to America?
I know that most of the time, I'm just a lazy pack of bones, but did anyone ask me what I really want in my life? Care enough to listen to me yab? There isn't.
I tried to tell some, like my bf, that I wish to act, to entertain, because it's prolly in my blood, the way I behave sometimes. Mel is supportive of me in every aspect, but he thinks that this is absurd.
Am I really being unrealistic?
At that, I'd just came to understand that I don't even know myself as well as I thought. I keep asking questions that nobody will be able to answer but me.
Will you tell me who I am?
Is it a bona fide dream? Or is it something I'm trying to hang on to, because of a lack of beliefs and goal? Right now, how I feel? It's the real McCoy, baby.
If you're supportive of my America dream, donations/job recommendations will be gladly accepted =]
"Acting is like any other craft, like flying an airplane. You need a certain amount of hours behind the joystick before you're going to be doing barrel roles."
- James Marsters
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