有时候，很难逼自己笑而带之。

难道我也得跟现社会一样肤浅，一样盲目的恭敬吗？

为什么身边的人都似乎以利益来衡量一切？ 我已没有利益价值了吗？

我知道我能给的并不多，也可能我的毛病就是想太多，太注重回报，太小气，但最近，觉得自己很渺小。

庆幸的是，我绝对相信我有一天会找到自己所寻找的pinnacle of happiness and peace. :))

Read this and know this. I.miss.you.

I often get vivid dreams that I remember after waking up, but some of them gradually fade away, so I thought I should write this down.

So I thought I went to Sin Nee's place to visit, where she was sharing it with her boyfriend, who suggested I borrow from this loan shark he knows, if I wanted to get that something I needed. I was mulling over it as I went to the carpark, said goodbye to Ni, who apparently was my niece/cousin in this dream, passed by a guy who parked his Harley, while I picked up my bike, and drove it smoothly on the overhead bridge, to get to the bus stop across the road.

I'd 'bought' the bike like I bought my electric guitar in real life; I bought it before I knew how to ride it, but amazingly, I rode it like an expert that day. I even went on facebook on my phone to tell Lavinia that I finally did it(IRL we went to Bali last month, and we rented a scooter bike thing which I almost crashed), but she told me adamantly that I DON'T have a bike. I then went to 'find' the picture I've posted onto her page and showed it to her.

Just when I decided that I should ride home and skip the public transport instead(ended up at the bus stop as a force of habit), which was why I bought the bike in the first place, my bus came and I thought, 'Mehh, I'll just take it, bike and all," but again, out of habit, I must have left the bike on the bus/at the bus stop because when I got home, laid on the bed, and decided to take another picture of my lovely bike with flames emblazoned on the bike fender, I realised that my bike was not with me.

I woke up when I was panicky and trying to get SMRT's number online.

Lol. If I get this kind of dream when I went to sleep sober, I can't wait to recall the dreams I have when I went to bed drunk. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me to just risk it and do what I want in life. Or simply get a bike that I have always kind of wanted.

Soo anyway, I admit that I have not been updating in ages. Quite a few significant things happened; I have officially tendered at BTSC, am off this whole week, and will be working there still next week, at an 'ala carte service' basis, since I have not found anything else, and they desperately need someone. I can feel the first tendrils of panic creeping over me due to my unemployment, but not yet.

Soon, though.

Anyway, Strawberry and I have stopped contacting. We met up once in late January after I got back from HK/Macau(with Yan) and then straight-after, Bintan with my girlfriends. What happened that evening had led to my previous post, because that was what he said to me, and apparently, he's serious this time. We barely exchanged 2 texts after that day, and we've basically stopped all communications since early February.

While I'm sad it has finally happened, it HAS to happen one day, innit? What surprised me was that it barely hurt or registered; I guess I have been preparing myself for this day so well, that I took it in stride when I realised that Strawberry is not contacting me anymore.

Or maybe I have become so jaded, the strong feelings I had for him have long faded when things got shaky last year and I was still trying to hold on. *Humourless snort of laughter*

Still kinda miss him, though. After all, we were in constant contact for a good 4 months out of the 8 months that we have known each other. Literal constant contact - His text would be the first thing I see in the morning, and we would text each other the entire day until his bedtime. Of course, that ended after a month or so as he was concentrating on me way too much, and I him, but it was nice.

Actually, the past few months were great, in a way, so while I am sad to see it end, it does deserve a formal farewell.

Goodbye Strawberry, goodbye 'Old man'. Ta. :)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.