A New Life.

Please dear Buddha... dear God. Will me to forget the existance of Melvin Lim Jie Ying. Will me to be strong enough to leave him and start my whole life afresh. Will that my friends still remember me and are still willing to give out a caring hand.

Pls pls pls make me feel strong... My hands are trembling as I type and I really don't know what life will be for me from now on. I never once dared to imagine life without him by my side; all the people around us have gradually accept that we're gonna stay together till we vow, till death do us part.

Nevertheless, it was obvious our relationship wasn't gonna end up anywhere good. I loved him so much, I still do, but it's getting meaningless. I really wish for someone to treat me right... To care for me and make me feel secured. He once did, but its gone now. I could never feel secured around him anymore, nor do I think he's sincere to marry me anymore. He just wants to get rid of me every single time I initiate breakup in the heat of the moment. I just wish I didn't fall so hard for men everytime, just like a fool.

Thinking about all my past relationships, I think I'm just a fool for love. My mum always remind me not to fall so deeply in love, but make the guy love you more than you love him. Yea in theory it works... But I never could. The guys always take a liking to me at first, and I end up falling head over heels in love with them in the end. I just wanted so much for someone to make me feel secured so that my heart won't be broken anymore... Guess I'd been asking too much...

I really don't know what to do... I know that I must leave him for good... He's already sick of all these break ups and never 'wan liu' me anymore... He always just give me best wishes. I should have seen it a long time ago. I'm so dumb... It's all over. Even if we get back together next time, we will have no future. I know he loves me deeply too but I don't want to waste his time anymore.

All I want now is to be able to get over him... I asked him to not answer my calls anymore, and I told him to ask his family to ask me to fark off if I end up calling his house. I'm going to tell my mum about the breakup instead of hiding it, so she would stop me from doing the foolish stuff I always do. I don't want his friends, or ultimately him, laughing at pitiful me, unable to get over a relationship I initiated breakup. He's gonna get over it sooner before I do... I don't want to always be the weaker one. I want to be stronger. I want to show him I mean breakup for good instead of running back to his side everytime. I feel like a pile of s*** everytime I do, but I never could help it.

I might not be online for the next few days or even perhaps weeks... Call my HP if u guys need me. I'm at his house packing all my stuff... He and his whole family are out shopping for CNY. My heart is aching like hell as I take out all the photos and stuff... I want him to forget his feelings towards me asap so he would be able to deal with me harshly if I ever try to return to him in the spur of the moment. Sigh... Someone save me from all these please... I'm dying inside.

Boring~ xD

Heh, today's one of the rare days I wake up @ 12 in the afternoon, so right now I'm feeling quite energized.

ROSE is down for maintainance , my BTVS d/l keeps failing, and I'm taking a break from the books, so right now I have utterly nothing to do other than blogging. Before moving on, can anyone help me with my tagboard? Apparently I can't see the words as I type into the box; I wanna change the word colour to white. Perhaps it'll be ok when I change my skin later.

Yea I'm changing my skin, prolly back to the previous one. It'll be up by the time anybody reads this.

Soo anyway, I decided to dye and rebond my hair. Which should I do first? I know we can't dye and rebond at the same time b/c it'll ruin the dye job or something, but can I dye my hair, like a week after rebonding? Or before? If anybody read this... Help! I'm in a dilemma >_<>ang bao red, but like um.. brighter than copper, with a hue like those red wines, ya know? The last time I had that colour, I was told I look like some 'Da jie da', gangsta girl, esp. if I don't smile. Lol! Still, the overall comment was good, and perhaps together with all da CNY thing going on... I'll have more luck!

Lol. I might dye that more-towards-blond's red those Wella guys dyed for me @ their Orchard office... If only I still have their number; I can dye for free! >_< decisions ="P">_>), new mascara, new lipstick (all I have is PINK PINK PINK), blah blah blah. Yes, I'm lazy to apply make up; my makeup is the same most of the time. Time to get some pretty eyeshadows and stuff! Heh heh~

Then again... I prolly need about $250 for all this (clothes taken care by my mum :P). I have it, but I still need to settle my hp bill... *Gulp* Lemme just dial 1633 and change my template now... I'll update soon. Take care people =)

Haha I finally update!

This blog might just turn out to become a weekly update =x Idk.

Anyway, hi xD The topic I want to talk about today is - Kelvin (omfg my bf is gonna be sooo jealous that I have a topic on another guy when I don't really do 1 on him.)

But really, it had bugged me since I was 15, which was 5 years ago, so I guess it should be ok (?) to talk a lil about it today.

I'd just received an sms from Kelvin (he sms me everyday or every 2 days actually), its those quiz thingy whereby the sender ask you what word is he in your heart blah blah blah... I like this kinda quizzes so I sent him a reply to get the answers... He sent me and told me if he chose the word for me, he would choose the love related ones.

As usual, I tried to ask him to give it up. Everytime I think about our ex-relationship, I think about the fateful day we broke up, and the day we patched up 1/2 a year later. We got back together for less than 1month or something before I realised my feelings for him were gone, and I met some friends out in a mini #darkages outing and eventually went happily into relationship with *cough* Leo aka Tailz, in which I got to know another Leo, and went with him 1 year later. Haha um anyywaay~

Yes that was in the past. None of them are 'bring-backable' and it's really just some old shit that prolly nobody but me remembers. Anyway, the last time I saw Kelvin was like, my 16th bday. He booked out (or was gonna book in) and he came by my house to pass me my bday present. After that till now... We haven't met. We barely spoke on the phone, and I seldom reply his smses.

He always tell me he's waiting for me to return to him, irregardless of anything, that he realised his mistake of leaving me in the 1st place, etc. One time my bf saw his sms, and was so pissed he used my hp to sms Kelvin to back off, lmao. Hehe, protective Mel =X or rather, possessive lol.

Maybe I'm just shallow, but how can ANYBODY still love someone after not seeing her for 3years, and breaking up for 5years?! To me its impossible; it will prolly just fade away before I know it. I may sound shallow, but you all know thats the truth for anyone. So that's why somehow that idea bugs me. Bah *shrugs*

Anyway, my bf's rushing me to go out for supper. I'll edit later if there's anything to add on. Ta-da! *Goes on her mission to gain more weight - rolls eyes - *

P.S: I've edited =P

Nitez~

Friday, so soon

Hey, 'sup all =)

I've been trying to create a blogskin of my own, but right now I'm still testing out the script and codes so if you see unclickable links around, dont bother. I started yesterday night but I'm kinda lazy to do it now =P It's pretty easy actually. Just putting the whole thing together takes dozens of previewing etc. I still have to find a perfect bg picture (which is virtually impossible for fickle & indecisive me, but I'll try) and decide if Ima make navigation links or dropdown links. Hmm...

Anyway, moving on to another subject, I saw someone shoplift today and I can't believe I did nothing. Yes, the NPCC spirit seemingly faded away =( I was @ Clementi for the pasar malam with my bf and we went to 1 stall for him to look for school bags so I just stood around. I noticed that the only 1 guy who were there (even before we walked over) was spending too much time in front of some pouches.

Therefore, I took more glances at him and suddenly he was doing the shifty eyes thingy, a behaviour I know too well. He was gonna steal. Right on! He started putting some of the pouches into a plastic bag on his left hand when the aunties were busy finding a bag Mel picked out. I wanted to tell my bf straightaway about it but the looter looked um, loony? He had those 'I'm-mad-I-can-do-virtually-anything' look so I started typing into my hp for my bf to see instead of saying it out. And my bf chose then to show me a pokemon kid bag (duh) and went 'Look! Pokemon!' and it dropped on my head. When I recovered the shoplifter was already gone. Man!

I totally regretted not stopping the shoplifter on the spot, and it's been bugging me till now. I might as well be an accomplice and help in the looting since I didn't even step forward to stop the guy. The next time I see a shoplifter, he's gonna regret doing it while I'm in the shop!

Bah.. Maybe I'm whining a lil too much about the incident. Anyway, like I mentioned, pasar malam. People who know me well enough knows that its bad news when I hear about a pasar malam nearby. Ima bug my friends or bf to accompany me there while I buy and buy and buy. And all I buy usually, are food. *Burp* =X I looked at myself when I passed by a mirror today and I almost couldn't recognise myself anymore. Gone was the relatively sharp features and big bright eyes. All I have now is a face clot with fats and lumpy-looking eyelids. Sigh. I'm not exaggerating. My friend Aaron drove past me @ Downtown East on New Year's Eve while going to park somewhere, and I got the impression he's not as interested to keep in contact as he used to lol. (I was still way slimmer the last time he saw me.)

I know I know... I always whine about my weight and fats etc. "If you keep whining about all these, then do something about it! Lose weight! Exercise! If you don't wanna exercise, then stop whining!" or whatsoever. I'm kinda in the middle. I wanna whine, yet I know I shouldn't whine since I don't really feel like exercising, but I can't help doing so. Yes, it's confusing, so go figure.

I'm gonna go game now so I'll try to update again soon. I miss all my friends! >_< k thx bye~

Ta-da! I'm back!

Actually I got back from nothing in particular, but at least I'm back to updating. I'm kinda in a sobby mode b/c I've just watched Season3 episode 20 of BTVS and it was sooo touching and sad.

For that, I changed my blog song to the love theme of Buffy/Angel, before I eventually change it to 'Before I'm Dead' by Kidney Thieves, one of my favourite songs. Enjoy this 1 tho, it's soothing but a lil emotional. In fact, I even changed my blog's outlook to suit the song. Sweet isn't it?

Right, um so, like how I do with my journal, I usually sum up what happened since my last entry, so here goes-
Well, at the day, or the day after my last entry, I had a huge quarrel with my bf and we broke up. Well er we almost split, since we got back together ultimately, but it was terrible.

I can't mention all that'd happened b/c it isn't really nice for all to know, but something happened while we quarrel and his mum witnessed it. Tho' I'd never mentioned this before, but I'm not on the best of terms with Mel's mum, nor do I like her enough to try. Yea you might say I don't have respect for the elders, but wait till u were in my shoes before. I like his grandma tho, btw.

Annywaayy, I felt insulted when his mum saw, stopped, walked off, and said 'shit' out loud. I mean, I have a baaaddd temper, and people who knows me well enough, well, know that. It really pissed me off even tho she had the right to do more then say shit, but I still didn't like it coming out of her mouth. That's when I split and broke up with my bf and insisted on leaving. (Well I was going to do it anyway, just that I became more insistant.)

So there went a couple of days of torture where we totally missed each other, and somehow, I have no idea why, my mum called him up. I mean, of all people! My mum always tell me to leave option for more suitors; she always tell me that if I try, I'll have loads of suitors out there (really?) but frankly I'm kinda lazy to. And during that period of time, I wasn't able to think about anything much yet. All I wanted was to forget him and move on.

In fact, (I hope he doesn't read this) I had kinda, um, looked forward to my new life. To meet new people, catch up with old friends and make new ones, etc etc. I figured the hurting will stop eventually. Mel felt the same way too... That it was time to move on. I guess hormones(no don't think dirty please, I mean more like the 'I want to be in love' thingy) and habits and my mum's interverance brought us back together again. Not that I don't like it; my bf has been so sweet these few days, I'm getting over sugar-rushed. He even talked about getting married now, so nobody like his parents etc will come between us. It used to be a joke thingy but he sounded so serious then. Wow, huh?

Oh, and there's new year. Nothing much to talk about tho, it was disappointing. I should never thought to ask Mel's friends out. How boring can they get? Mel suggested the party @ downtown east, and we went too late; countdown ended when we were walking inside the resort. It would be ok if we still get to have fun, but we spent about 30mins roaming around and queuing to get in, and then spent like, 5mins at the dance area and they went right off for supper. It was barely 1am+ when they left to play mahjong. So much so for a celebration. I even got all dressed up in my new clothes! Bah~~~

Mel knew it was awful, so he promised to make it up yesterday, which was one of our lil anniversaries we no longer celebrate, but we both forgot, so yea. Prolly this weekend.

Hmm, talking about celebrations, I just realised I forgot about the Xmas Eve I spent @ my sis'. Did I forgot to mention that? I should go check and update if I didn't. Back to my 'Quantum Leap' book, or perhaps more BTVS :). Good morning~(in the g'night sense)