I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

I have to listen to songs on my iPhone on my way to work, or the rides would feel tedious and unbearably ‘loud’ for the mere 20minutes’ commute.

As I shuffled through my recent favourites, like “Let Me Out” by Ben’s Brother, “Hey Hey” by Dennis Ferrer, “We Speak No Americano” by Yolanda Be Cool, “Secrets” by OneRepublic, and “Make You Feel My Love” plus “Melt My Heart To Stone” by Adele etc, I realized that these songs were on constant loop because some of them were the “song of my life”, at some point of time in my life. THE song that expressed exactly what I was going through.

Which was practically all of the above besides WSNA, which is just my tune of the month.

When I hear “Daddy DJ”, it brings me back to 1999 when I was casting Deo Saighead and Mor Dion in Chaos in SGDA on my 56K dialup modem, where my mum purposely disrupted by constantly calling home. One Way Or The Other by Blondie, the quiet afternoons I have with my little nieces watching cartoons(Angelica was singing a variation of it on one episode of Rugrats). Deep Sprit – Lonely (DJ Lhasa remix), when my ex and I broke up.

Rob Zombie, Pantera and AC/DC music, back when I lived and breathed hard rock and heavy metal(still one, but not as intense anymore). Tiesto and Darude’s music? Back when my life derailed for a while and I relived my disco pill-popping days.

Emofied acoustics, live hard die fast ‘commercial’ music, hard rock and heavy metal music with lyrics that don’t make sense, even the occasional happy chirpy songs that ain’t my usual cuppa tea. I love my quirky life tracks throughout the past decade and more.

What is YOUR song?

Back from Shanghai...

... With a vengeance stomach virus.

6 in the company, with a dash of drama and a lot of drinking and eating.

2010 is a year quite filled with trips on my calendar.



I love it ;)

这两个月，还以为过得蛮开心的；即使没了工作，至少还有你的陪伴。

我知道我们不是男女朋友，而虽然在此刻我们两的 ‘成人世界’ 里只有对方，我们往后依旧什么也不会是，更何况，我也发现我已渐渐单单变成你的卸闷工具。况且，我也发现一个铁定的事实 － 你最近对另一个女生感兴趣 － 哈， 可能是我对你太好了吧。

人都是对未钓到的鱼儿较感兴趣。

也可能是我自攀清高，以为我足够满足你，就算只是应你而求只当一个特殊 ‘朋友’，但我对你的日久生情开始萌现，让你无法呼吸。

我真的不知道。

但我真的受伤了。。。 我为你付出的一切根本一点也不值得。我有时纳闷是不是我自己的错，但我 ‘要求’ 的从来并不多（其实想想，我有要求过什么吗？）现在的情况怎么也不只是单单我一手造成的。

今天看着你坐在她的旁边，心好痛。早上只有我们两人世界，下午却又什么都不是，我的心荷负不来。

是我真的开始太喜欢你，还是因为太寂寞了，变成对你产生依赖？我不知道，但我很累了。真的不行了。

我要找回自我，不想再为你伤心了。不想再裸露我对你的情感。累了。放弃了。我很想很想就此退出，从新做一个真真正正的，普通朋友。

Lord, please grant me strength.

Let's misbehave.

You could have a great career,
And you should;
Yes you should.
Only one thing stops you dear:
You're too good;
Way too good!

If you want a future, darlin',
Why don't you get a past?
'Cause that fateful moment's comin' at last...

We're all alone, no chaperone
Can get our number
The world's in slumber--let's misbehave!!!

There's something wild about you child
That's so contagious
Let's be outrageous--let's misbehave!!!

When Adam won Eve's hand
He wouldn't stand for teasin'.
He didn't care about those apples out of season.

They say that Spring means just one little thing to little lovebirds
We're not above birds--let's misbehave!!!

It's getting late and while I wait
My poor heart aches on
Why keep the breaks on? Let's misbehave!!!

I feel quite sure affaire d'amour
Would be attractive
While we're still active, let's misbehave!

You know my heart is true
And you say you for me care...
Somebody's sure to tell,
But what the heck do we care?

They say that bears have love affairs
And even camels
We're men and mammals--let's misbehave!!!

*Hiss*

"Good mor-------" *Sounds of air hissing, a throat-clearing cough, and more hissing*

I'm surprised the callers to my phone at work today have thusfar managed to decipher my Parseltongue, despite the fact that I got sniggered at by one of them.

*Hiss hiss hiss* Oh, I feel so sexy.

---



Yep, I decided to pop by and wipe some virtual spiderwebs off this site since I have temporarily lost one of two manners of communication.

I have started a new position earlier this month, and its located at SGX Centre. So far, the location and environment and salary are nothing I will complain about :) Alas, nothing is perfect; They do not have enough headcounts at the moment, so I am lacking in some of the benefits.

Well, I'm sure all things work out in the end, so I'll just see how this goes.

So anyway, work aside, my social life has been rather status quo for the past few months, and I'm not sure why I'm not particular urgent about changing that, seeing that the number of guys I had gone out with during the last 3 years has been pathetically scarce, but I am.

I suppose it is because the disappearance of Strawberry since February had not only hurt a little, but also hit a sore spot - He was just like R, who started having doubts, and latched on to the out that I softheartedly present to them, and then disappeared without a trace.


It had hurt because... I thought they respected me.


Turns out, I'm just wrong as usual.


But I'm... me. And me being me, I've shrugged that off with a "Shit happens" and I'm now looking forward to the next encounter with a fiesty grin on my face.


Welcome... to JenxGeR's Most Excellent Adventures.

有时候，很难逼自己笑而带之。

难道我也得跟现社会一样肤浅，一样盲目的恭敬吗？

为什么身边的人都似乎以利益来衡量一切？ 我已没有利益价值了吗？

我知道我能给的并不多，也可能我的毛病就是想太多，太注重回报，太小气，但最近，觉得自己很渺小。

庆幸的是，我绝对相信我有一天会找到自己所寻找的pinnacle of happiness and peace. :))

Read this and know this. I.miss.you.

I often get vivid dreams that I remember after waking up, but some of them gradually fade away, so I thought I should write this down.

So I thought I went to Sin Nee's place to visit, where she was sharing it with her boyfriend, who suggested I borrow from this loan shark he knows, if I wanted to get that something I needed. I was mulling over it as I went to the carpark, said goodbye to Ni, who apparently was my niece/cousin in this dream, passed by a guy who parked his Harley, while I picked up my bike, and drove it smoothly on the overhead bridge, to get to the bus stop across the road.

I'd 'bought' the bike like I bought my electric guitar in real life; I bought it before I knew how to ride it, but amazingly, I rode it like an expert that day. I even went on facebook on my phone to tell Lavinia that I finally did it(IRL we went to Bali last month, and we rented a scooter bike thing which I almost crashed), but she told me adamantly that I DON'T have a bike. I then went to 'find' the picture I've posted onto her page and showed it to her.

Just when I decided that I should ride home and skip the public transport instead(ended up at the bus stop as a force of habit), which was why I bought the bike in the first place, my bus came and I thought, 'Mehh, I'll just take it, bike and all," but again, out of habit, I must have left the bike on the bus/at the bus stop because when I got home, laid on the bed, and decided to take another picture of my lovely bike with flames emblazoned on the bike fender, I realised that my bike was not with me.

I woke up when I was panicky and trying to get SMRT's number online.

Lol. If I get this kind of dream when I went to sleep sober, I can't wait to recall the dreams I have when I went to bed drunk. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me to just risk it and do what I want in life. Or simply get a bike that I have always kind of wanted.

Soo anyway, I admit that I have not been updating in ages. Quite a few significant things happened; I have officially tendered at BTSC, am off this whole week, and will be working there still next week, at an 'ala carte service' basis, since I have not found anything else, and they desperately need someone. I can feel the first tendrils of panic creeping over me due to my unemployment, but not yet.

Soon, though.

Anyway, Strawberry and I have stopped contacting. We met up once in late January after I got back from HK/Macau(with Yan) and then straight-after, Bintan with my girlfriends. What happened that evening had led to my previous post, because that was what he said to me, and apparently, he's serious this time. We barely exchanged 2 texts after that day, and we've basically stopped all communications since early February.

While I'm sad it has finally happened, it HAS to happen one day, innit? What surprised me was that it barely hurt or registered; I guess I have been preparing myself for this day so well, that I took it in stride when I realised that Strawberry is not contacting me anymore.

Or maybe I have become so jaded, the strong feelings I had for him have long faded when things got shaky last year and I was still trying to hold on. *Humourless snort of laughter*

Still kinda miss him, though. After all, we were in constant contact for a good 4 months out of the 8 months that we have known each other. Literal constant contact - His text would be the first thing I see in the morning, and we would text each other the entire day until his bedtime. Of course, that ended after a month or so as he was concentrating on me way too much, and I him, but it was nice.

Actually, the past few months were great, in a way, so while I am sad to see it end, it does deserve a formal farewell.

Goodbye Strawberry, goodbye 'Old man'. Ta. :)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Guilt.

guilt  /gɪlt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gilt] Show IPA
–noun 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that they have violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Catholic Guilt

Catholic guilt is the term used to identify the supposed excess guilt felt by Catholics and lapsed Catholics. The term Catholic Guilt is controversial as it is not clearly differentiated from the guilt felt by members of other religions or moral codes.

Living in sin, with sin, by sin, for sin, every hour, every day, year in, year out. Waking up with sin in the morning, seeing the curtains drawn on sin, bathing it, dressing it, clipping diamonds to it, feeding it, showing it round, giving it a good time, putting it to sleep at night with a tablet of Dial if it's fretful. Always the same, like an idiot child carefully nursed, guarded from the world.

But sometimes, on a defiant day, I would tell myself, "Never regret anything because it was what we wanted. What we want. Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."


In ipsa dubitatione facinus inest, etiamsi ad id non pervenerint.
Guilt is present in the very hesitation, even though the deed be not committed.


Has it been 8 months, already?


While I know I often preach, "No apologies, no regrets", and that I said once that I've stopped listening to my conscience, it IS there. Nagging, tugging at me. Every recollection of you is bittersweet because it is tinged with the burden of guilt. But I must admit, there was also the pleasure, the joy, the excitement.

I am smart, but not too intelligent. I'm courageous, but not too brave. Not brave or intelligent enough to know what to do.


What about you? Do you?