What I want for my 21st birthday...

Okay, lemme try to list down the things I would want for my up and coming 21st birthday:

1) MALE STRIPPERS. No lanky, pimply face, bah bah or overmuscled men. I can give up my celebration and all my money if you get me a guy resembling James Marsters or Shay Given. Hot female strippers can be considered too.

2) Alcohol.

3) Money. For more booze because my funds just ain't gonna be enough~

4) Presence of friends who truly care.

5) Maybeeee some presents. To let me know that you care enough to grab a present :P

So there, ladies and gentlemen, you heard me! So get going to get me what I want!

What I really want... is peace. Peace to sooth my shattered heart.

Because, when the numbness eventually recedes, heartwrenching pain settles in because I realised that I'm still the troublesome, irritating fat and unattractive woman who has never been a top piority in anyone's life before.

Give me numbness, or give me peace. Because if I can't have any of those, the only option left is the comfort in death.

But no, I'm not going to shrivel up in a corner and resign myself to that fate yet. I'm not that whiny.

I know I'm a coward in most people's eyes, but even though I leave the battlefield fatally wounded every single time, this time I want to try to do it with my chin lifted high.

I've been nothing but 100% honest to you in our 4 years relationship... For good or for worse. Now my honest words are twisted back onto me... and I shall shoulder them because, I know... I deserved them.

Melvin, my sweeting, just in case you ultimately decide singlehood works better for you, thanks for the 4 years and 13 days... It's been wonderful.

Now all I need is peace and quiet for me to gather my thoughts.

Argh.

I've saved a draft to be blogged, but I'm too lazy and life's too hectic for me to bother updating and completing that entry.

Right now, I just want to whine and rant.

4 years. It's been 4 years that I gave my all to one Melvin Lim.

Countless bittersweet memories existed between us, and while I laughed in fond memory of some instances, my heart clenched mostly.

I'm tired. I'm really tired of being the matured one in this relationship. Until the shift in our relationship, I was always the domineering Queen to all men in my life. I'd refused to give them total power over me, and let them crush my heart in the process.

Now, I've lowered myself to take what I can from you - Sitting beside you watching you play your game, waiting for hours to sleep at the same time as you, only to find you asleep after I come out from the washroom, and cleaning up your room as 'it's a girl's responsibility'.

I keep giving in, and in, and in, until this whole facade simply sapped me of all my strength.

What was supposed to be a cheery chit chat turned out to be another weary conversation about how I deal with my salary.

I take home little more than 1k a month. I have to give around $150 to my mum as allowance, pay my transport and handphone fees, pay for my daily 3 meals, and get clothes so I don't have to wear the same clothes repeatedly to work.

How the bloody fuck am I going to save money like that?! Until I get a pay adjustment, I'm not likely to save much, if any at all.

I've been so stressed out over the birthday celebration I'm going to have at the end of this month, and the other celebration that I'm going to have with my family alone.

The clubbing will cost me around $800 to $1000, and the family dinner at least $200-$300. How the fuck am I going to come up with that while trying to survive for the rest of next month?

I could probably scrimp, but not this month. Not this year. He refused to respect my resolution that I would do whatever to make myself happy this year, even if that means not saving a cent at all.

No, I have to start saving for our future, just because Mr-I-can't-give-up-my-freedom-to-be-engaged-to-you-just-yet said so. All I wanted was a namesake from him, a long-term engagement so I can lift my chin high against all those people who looked down on a girl practically cohabiting with her boyfriend. Especially to his parents.

But no. He said that he wants to study after NS, and he don't want to be engaged while he was still in Poly. Not going to give up his freedom so early.

WHAT ABOUT ME?! WHAT ABOUT SODDIN' ME? Am I supposed to quietly save money for us when you can't even promise me an 'us' in the near future? Just because I'm the one working first?!

Am I selfish, am I in actual fact the childish one in this relationship; are you actually right about all my faults and flaws?

Is it me, or is it you?

I don't even believe in THE one anymore.

I, Jennifer Lim, the helpless romantic who loves deeply, the woman who once dreamt of meeting a man who will love her, respect her, treasure her, the way she can, do not believe it any of this bullshit anymore.


Fuck, I'm sick of it all.