My first ever company game event...

...In my entire life.



It was scrabble. Language was supposed to be my forte (Or so i thought),



And I lost. Got pwned by my friend, Marcus, the one in purple.

Causing my team to slide from 3rd place(with prize money) to 4th.

My team players were all jovial and happy-go-lucky, but I can't say that for my colleagues who came to support.

:(

Sigh. So paiseh!!!

Nonetheless, it was a wonderful experience. Overwhelming, even, to play against people of all positions in AIG.

I can't wait for the BlackJack event to come.

It's Sunday morning already...

*Heaves a heartfelt sign* Whoa... It's already close to 5am. I can't even recall when was the last time I stayed up till such an ungodly hour.

As it tends to happen on Sundays, I started to list out my time-table for the next week, and it's not gonna be pretty.

I have 2 trainings next week, for my company's new program, on Monday and Thursday, 6-8pm.

I'm most prolly meeting Yan and friends up after work on Wednesday.

Then I have the company's inter-departmental events for Scrabble on Tuesday night, which starts at 7pm and ends at god-knows-when.

And last but not least, I have Ah Lee's wedding to attend on Friday.

JAM-PACKED! OMFGWTF. And with the work folders still coming in as per norm, I'll be sure to do OT time to like, what, 9 or 10pm?

And I haven't even study for the insurance papers yet, which I need to pass by mid of July.

Next week's gonna suck.... *Groans*

Honey, I'm home!

Well well well, looky looky at the time!

What, only 6.40pm?

What, no OT for the whole week?

What, I'm flouncing around with a song in my heart?


IMPOSSIBLE!


Haha. What, Friday rocks?

Too bloody right!


I wanna lick it,
I wanna taste it,
I wanna feel it,
I wanna suck on your lollipop~


*Shakes her thang*

Mmm~

Met up with a friend for lunch today - Eric, my pal from the 2 weeks' training. It was really sweet of him to call me up and ask me out for lunch as he was here for the orientation.

We talked, smoked, walked to UE for lunch, talk somemore, and smoked smoked smoked. He's the person I'm most comfortable around from my group of colleagues. It certainly felt great to converse with someone who genuinely cares and not speak just for the sake of speaking.

Anyway, I couldn't control my urges, so I had a date with the 2 really great guys I've mentioned before...

They're so sinfully sweet and yummy, they should be made illegal.




Marsha Marsha Marshmallow ice cream!!! Mmm~~~ I'm gonna make sure to try every different pint by the end of this year. Yum =d


Wednesday tomorrow, mid of the week. YAY!

Stupid, stupid men.

What's up with men and breasts? Okay, I get the fascination and all, but I absolutely hate it and don't get how men can get contented just elbowing women's breasts.

If you really want to cop a feel, just pay $40 and feel her up all you want!

Stop staring at my rack and elbowing them "accidentally" or ask me to put more cleavage-showing pictures on Friendster!

Just stop staring, period!

Argh, fucking pissed.

BRAZIL BRAZIL!

Heh, I was determined not to bet at all during this World Cup, but that resolve broke today. Yay for Brazil!

And yes, it's almost 3am in the morning and I'm still up. Didn't go to the doc's like I mentioned *shrugs*. I'm nuts, I know; I'm under so much stress from work, I should rest as much as I can, and yet here I am, sitting in front of the PC with less than 4hours of sleep to go.

Gah...

I just hope France will win by more than 1 goal later... $_$!

-----

Anyway, I called my Dad during dinner time and wished him happy father's day :) Unwittedly, and embarassingly, I cried while talking. Thank gawd he didn't hear it.

Funny how that made me feel good instead of the opposite. We exchanged some words, his concern for me and best wishes for my current job, and I felt something broke inside me... Tho I'm still not quite sure what it was.

Father's Day.

I've just finished watching Riding in Cars with Boys, and it was one of the types of movies I love to watch.

The last scene of the movie made me cry.

It wasn't a particularly saddening scene; In fact, it was so simple and peaceful, it was what had me tearing up out of a sudden.

Drew Barrymore, as Beverly, asked her father to pick her up after she encouraged her son to drive up to Indiana to look for his girlfriend.

Her pop was humming to a song on the radio, and Bev joined in.

"Dream, dream dream dream, dream, dream dream dream
When I want you in my arms,
when I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream, dream dream dream"

They started singing out loud, and Bev moved into her dad's arms. With that, their past grudges simply... evaporated.

I cried because Bev has a dad who still loved her even tho he was never really there for her, and was disappointed in her shotgun marriage, which failed, by the way.

I cried because I wish I could say the same for myself - That I have a dad who still loves me and who will be there for me when I need him. I wish that I could hug him and all the distance between us throughout the years will simply dissipate.

I've only been seeing my dad once a year ever since I was 3 years old, and I could count on one hand the amount of times he came to Singapore alone to see me, without his new family. Well, not exactly new, since his daughter, my step-sister, is already 11 years old.

The last time he came alone to visit me and brought me out was 12 years ago. I was 9.

Yea, so he's living in Malaysia, but that's in Johor Bahru, not Sarawak, or Penang, or KL. It takes maybe 1 hour to reach my place. Whenever he pops by my bro's stall to visit, his main motive for coming to Singapore is to bring his daughter and wife shopping or something. He never made an effort to meet me.

I hate my dad for what he did to my mother, and I blame him for my dysfunctional family.

I hate him for the reason that my only vivid memory of him before their divorce, was him smacking me in my face for not sharing with him my Gardenia bread. I was 3.

I hate him for betraying my mother; betraying their vows, and betraying the notion of love.

I hate him for having a happy, quaint little family with his wife and daughter without us - Leaving my mum to take care of my sis, my bro and I while he spent my mum's money and enjoyed his life.


But I still love him, because he's my father.

My dad has never chided me in my face or during our occasional phone conversations. Not once. But ever so often, he will mention to my brother his concerns and disappointment in me, like when I dropped out of Ngee Ann Poly.

Frankly, I would really like to stamp my foot in indignation, and say, "The audacity! How dare he? He's never been there for me!" But perversely, I was always happy to hear that from my brother.

Why?

Sometimes I ask that of myself too, but I guess, to me, it meant that he still cares beyond skin-deep concern. That even though he knows that he doesn't have much rights to judge me, what with not being in my life at all, he cares enough to ask via my brother.

Everytime my dad calls to talk to me, I would shake my head pleadingly, and give out a nonchalant air, but inside, I was always quivering with anticipation.

It brings a smile to my face whenever I hear his voice and know that he's well, but I was afraid I would burst out in tears during one of our conversations and break the security wall I have built around my heart.

It gave me great comfort that my father knows his boundaries and somehow respects me, but the irony of how he'd treated my mum still bewilders me till now.

I love my dad, but in my 20 years of life, I don't think I've ever told him that once. And I don't think I would ever do it, because nothing could cover up the hole that he made in my heart when he left.

So I guess I'll just say it here.

Happy Father's day, pa. I love you.

I feel sick.

In fact, I think I am sick.

I barely made it to the washroom just now to puke my guts out twice and there was blood at the end. Ugh.

Nonetheless, don't worry about me. It's just stress I guess; It's happened to me before(well, not the vomiting blood part, but still) so the doc will probably just prescribe some valium or five for me like the previous one did O_o.

Hmmm....

So I came down from my full-day Service Excellence Training at 5.45pm at work, intending to sort out some applications before I knock off at 6pm and go to Kinokuniya to grab my magazine.

But nooo, there had to be a whole pile of cheque submissions that I had to process by today, almost 20 emails for me to check, colleagues leaving notes all over my place, and dozens of forms pending calls and replies on a bloody Friday night.

There's 3 days' worth of travel applications for me to process by Tuesday, and one of the emails blatantly smacked me in the face, stating that the travel system and charging machine are down until Monday.

I then stared at the GIRO cancellation forms that I didn't manage to touch at all, when my head started to hurt, the world began to tilt and spin out of control and I felt like beating the crap out of the rich blighters who are travelling overseas this holiday month and screaming till my lungs bleed.

It's fucked. Everything's fucked up. I get this measly pay to do all this shit when I could have went for an administrative job with the same pay and be half as stressed out. I also have 2 papers to study for and tested by next month.

Worse still, my manager might be starting to think that I'm incompetent because of all the OTs I've been doing this month. Will they be able to see that my workload is actually inproportional as compared to the other new staffs?

Or is my working speed really that slow?

Sigh.

Where's the job satisfaction, man? Ugh, even I'm sick of all my whinings.

I'm simply not motivated anymore.

Argh! I lose my glasses!

This sucks. I OT-ed for 1 1/2 hours for a measly $20, and ended up losing my new glasses in the cab.

The frame itself cost me $140 =( Arghhhhh....

Now I have to wear my contacts most of the time... Sigh. There goes all the OT pay I've chalked up so far.

Grr argh... I'm all bad moody and broody that I can't even crack a smile tho it rhymes. Money's pretty tight recently so I'm absolutely frustrated with the loss of my 2 weeks' old specs.

Life really couldn't suck anymore further.

Meh... 666

I missed the 6 6 6 timing! :( I intended to wake up and blog at 06/06/06 6:06am, but I didn't make it, and while I could just edit the time...

Hmm.

Okay, edited. Lol! Sex, drugs, and roll & roll house! *Boogies*

=P It's actually lunchtime for me right now, and the AC here is freezing like hell! I'm currently seated at my colleague's desk since she's on leave... But do you know why I had to shift?

The AC pipe above my workstation fucking burst!

Man, it was like those shampoo commercials where there's water coming from above the model while she washed her hair... It soaked my CPU through and through. It's officially R.I.P now :(

Maybe it was the premonition to today O_0. Thank goodness nothing has happened so far. *Stares at the sprinkler right above.*

Can't believe that happened to me, of all people. Had to do OT again last night to cover the time I took to clean up my desk.

I can't even access my Outlook. Imagine the emails I'll have to read when the CPU's fixed. Pfft!

Have a great day people! :)

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis requiem sempiternam.

I stayed back in the office till 8.30pm last night, and now I'm idling around on a weekend.

I have no bloody idea what happened to result in this. Okay, maybe I do, but I feel so helpless against the current of which I'm being dragged along, and so I continued my freefall into this sad, pathetic excuse of a life.


This pain,
It claws --
At my heart, my guts, my throat.
I can't breathe.

Whatever I can do,
To gain respect from others and for myself?
Whatever can I do,
To be rid of this heartwrenching self-torture?

Gnaw, slash, rip.
In all my vainglory, I am torpid inside.
A votary of destiny,
Its brusque decision had me pliant.

My struggle to fight deliquesced;
Life has placed a malediction on me.
Just leave me alone to lick my wounds --
I need to cleanse my soul.

I can't breathe.


I sometimes lie on the bed, and tried picturing myself seated on the warm sand of a deserted beach, staring out into the boundless blue ocean. To just be.

I look around me now, and all I see is the deformity, the hideousness of the world and the ever-existing despair that surrounds me.

The ocean more often than not turns a dark, muddy colour, and the winds howled their anger. I can't even make myself at peace; What can I do for the people around me?


You're sleeping next to me.
Facing me, for a change.
Your soft snores ruffling my downy hair,
tickling my senses.

I feel cold.

I attempted to put my arms around you,
But your aloofed, distanced posture
Obstructed me so.

So cold.

I gazed lovingly at you every night.
I wonder if I was ever the last image on your mind,
Before you drifted off into the Land of Nods?

Icy tendrils gripped my heart.
I tried to rub my arms for warmth,
But my skin was scruffed raw.

Tonight, I cried myself to sleep again.
Wrapped up in that tiny, torn blanket,
Bracing against the chill.

I'm so cold...


I'm a machoist, I know. Many a times I know that it was time for me to run for cover and retain that little bit of hope I have left in life, but I always foolishly cling on to what's not meant to be. All through my life, I have been nothing but a fool for love.


To truly love a person,
Am i really competent of so?

My body is an empty shell,
filled with anguish, dashed hopes,
and bitterness.
I've sold my soul to the devil --
I don't wanna feel.

It's silent.
The crickets sounded,
The trees murmured.
A dog barked afar,
But everything's soundless to me.

So lonely.
So scarred.
So tainted.

How can I love another,
When I can't bestow the same upon myself?
To truly love a person -
I think I'll pass.

Wrote them all on a whim when I was smoking one night. Nothing much but foolish ramblings. Sigh.

Libera me, Domine, de morte æterna, in die illa tremenda, quando coeli movendi sunt et terra. Dum veneris iudicare sæculum per ignem. Tremens factus sum ego et timeo, dum discussio venerit atque ventura ira. Dies iræ, dies illa, calamitatis et miseriæ, dies magna et amara valde. Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis.

*Grabs her head*

I shouldn't have gone to MOS on a working weekday when I knew I barely had enough sleep the day before to last me a whole day of work.

Combine that with a lychee martini, J.D coke, couple bottles of barcadi, and tequila pop, I was ready to drop at 1am, so I ultimately left them when they decided to go to Zouk with a couple of guys they picked up in Smoove. Lol.

It wasn't that much alcohol, admittedly, but I did woke up this morning with a slightly heavy-feeling head and I sat on my bed, stoned for 10mins after my shower instead of putting on my contacts and gelling my hair.

I feel so old... =(

Could it be because I'm a heavy smoker and they're not? Maybe I should quit...

.

.

.

Nahhhh.

Yan, Yiwen, Cheng Mun, Xin Ni, I loved last night; it was fun and all that, but tolong! Next time ask me out on a Friday or a weekend, kay? Love ya crazy ladies!