Michael Jackson is dead.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK!

Michael Jackson passed away from a cardiac attack.



I still remember the days when I was still in primary school, proud to tote around my Sony Walkman with those big ass headphones, ala the way we would show off our pagers to people before modern mobile phones were even a reality.

I still remember the 3 tapes I would listen to almost religiously - One Chang and Aska tape which belonged to my brother, and 2 Michael Jackson cassette tapes, Dangerous and Bad. I would be rewinding the tapes over and over and over and over...

Then when LD(laser discs) rolled around a few years later, I got 2 of his concerts and world tour LDs, one of which was History, and the other one, Dangerous, again. I can't recall the amount of times I have spent sitting right infront of the TV, singing along, and even crying over some of his music videos.

Next, when computers rolled along and I got my 2nd PC which actually had a Windows system, the first few videos I'd downloaded via dial-up, were Ghost and Thriller.


Throughout the years even when he was plagued by his skin disease and got thoroughly dissected by the media, I've never failed to proudly declare that I love Michael Jackson. And now... Now he's gone. A couple of months shy of his 51st. Sigh...


Rest in peace Michael... You'll forever be remembered as the king in my heart.





Still a lil shellshocked after hearing the news on the radio during my cab ride to work this morning. :(


Michael Jackson, King of Pop. August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009.

The audacity!

I've just spent over an hour arguing with 2 colleagues and 1 friend over the hotness that is Gale Harold. (Yes, I have too much time on my hands - Both my boss and manager are not around for the rest of the week.☺)

The comments varied from "Not hot lah" to "Er ok lor" to "Okay lah, quite hot". Sigh. Seriously. How can anyone doubt that my God is hot AND cute?




Tsk. The audacity. *Shakes her fist at the general public like an old granny waving her umbrella*

Family.

Do you know how it is sometimes, that you wish someone was never born? Well, unfortunately for me, I have always been too nice and never wished that upon anyone. Only, today was of those days I wish I was never born.

Family. What are families for? People talk about the perfect happy family, one which started out with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, doting parents, obedient children, happy childhood and selfless familial love.

The perfect family life is somewhat a myth for me. Going 'home' everyday after work is a torture, and I dread the days that I'm off from work but simply too tired to drag myself out of the house. So instead, I try to 'compensate' by staying out a little while longer after work, and locking myself in the room during the weekends. There is only one solution for this before I go bat shit insane - I need to move out, pronto. I just hope I would be independent enough to survive on my own.

The laughable thing is, whenever I get into a serious relationship(not that there were many, as I can only honestly count the 5 years r/s), I still fantasized about doing right by my man, then one day create a family, and be a mother my kids will be proud of. To give my own children a whole, complete family that I never had.

But you know what they say about you taking after your parents... So I guess that ideal needs a re-evaluation.

Oh by the way, to the sperm donor who helped in my creation, Happy belated fuckin Father's Day. Hope you had a good one with your happy little family in Malaysia, and thanks for creating this dysfunctional family and then leaving me in it shortly after I was born.

Mum told me you did actually fought to keep me during the divorce. Me. When I first heard about this years ago, I was relieved that you didn't manage to, because the only vivid memory I have of you as a kid, was the time you teasingly asked me to share my Gardenia bread - I said no, and you gave me a slap across the face. I can still remember how I stared off to your right side in shock, too fearful to look into your eyes, while I tried to understand why my father hit me. I can still recall how my ears rang. I was, what, barely two?

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I'd actually thought it might have been better if you did manage to get custody of me; That since you've already made a mess out of this family, the current one you've built should not be that worse off.

Hah! I can't believe I even let that thought manifest in my mind.

My life might have been shit, but I have somewhat survived it - I wouldn't give it up for a second try with a father who barely gives two hoots about me, especially when he is the one who created my living Hell.

Happy Father's Day. FUCK YOU.

Dried.

I'm sitting here, staring at my laptop, trying to think of ANYthing interesting to blog about after a night of sinful dinner at 7atenine and way too many bottles of beer at Howl at the Moon while nursing a persistent hangover from yesterday.

I have come to realise that my recent excessive drinking is concurrent with the meeting of Strawberry. I mean, I admit - I do drink like a fish usually, but it used to be limited to the usual Fridays, the occasional inclusion of Saturdays, and the rare weekday that I allow myself to indulge. And 90% of the time, it's just whiskey and tequila. But now? Looking at my credit card bill, I realised I've been drinking beer and whatnot every 2 days at the very least for the past month or so. Having thus decided to limit my drinking with forbearance in consideration of my liver and 'weight loss programme', and to abstain from alcohol for the next one week, AA meetings are still unwarranted.

Strawberry actually reads my blog. And I know I shouldn't be talking about how I've been drinking more since meeting him, 'cos the hell if I'm going to let him think that this two occurrences are entirely co-related, but fuck, I reckon he already thinks so. 

Anyhoo, today was the first time that he did not text me. Not that I'm surprised or particularly distressed, considering we had a sorta spat yesterday, what with him with the short end of patience after being stressed out at work, and me, frustrated over where the hell this thing is going, knowing full well that it will eventually end up nowhere. I suppose it will be a good thing if he opts to make that our final contact; I hate it that I gave him the unnecessary guilt, and lord knows, I carry enough of it for the both of us. Maybe its time to do the right thing and leave the poor guy alone. Maybe.

10 days since I last blogged. And I've been meaning to blog since 8 days ago, but unfortunately, my creative juices are all dried up. All I'm left with is... Well, moonshine, anyone?

Bedlam.

Paws that claw without a pause -

I sought refuge while the black bird caws.

Scratching the surface revealing my flaws:

I have become a devil without a cause.

░

No time to linger on what once was,

I hasten to evade the pain that gnaws.

Twirling in pirouttes while the cowboy draws -

I answer my curtain call of the silent applause.

- Jennifer Lim G.S

11 June 2009.

Loving yourself.

Author's note: Ugh... I'm having an awful headache + giddy spell out of the blue. This sucks.

Yan was staying over again last night, partially to keep me company because I was feeling relatively down. (Other reasons being my place is nearer to her office, and we got used to seeing each other at least once every couple of days, lol.)

So anyway, Yan's curiousity was piqued when she saw me staring off into space in the general direction of my mac screen. She came over to look over my shoulder, and saw the message I'd just typed into my Twitter/Facebook.

"People always tell me my biggest problem is that I dont't love myself enough. But I've tried. I have really tried. The problem is, no one has ever set an example."

After reading it, she went quiet. For that few seconds, I willfully continued to stare at my screen, refusing to glance back for her reaction. "What for," I thought. "She's prolly just weary of my perpetual lack of self-confidence."

I heard sounds of clothes ruffling; She was probably taking out some sleeping clothes from my closet. Just when I was about to heave a sigh of relief that she was going to drop the issue, I heard her saying quietly in Mandarin:

"It's not that there is no one who loves you. It's just that you don't believe there are."

Christ... What a vicious cycle.

(Courtesy of my niece, Jasmine)

在如此哀伤的时刻， At such moments of sorrow,
她努力回想， She labours to recall;
试着完整背出， Trying to unerringly recite,
她年少时曾热爱过的.
一首诗。 A poem
That she once feverently loved when she was young. (line 4)

- Jimmy(几米)

Had, having, and in quest, to have...

... Seems to be all there is to life at times. Always about the quest to have, to own, to conquer, and then beat your chest to proclaim to the world: "I am the BEST!"

You see something you like, you want to own it. You see someone you like, you want to have him/her.  You want it permanent, you want to call it YOURS. Your first impulse would certainly be NOT to share.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Treasure the occasions where you do have things just falling into your lap, and treasure even the moments that you fought for something but it didn't last. 

Treasure what goes on in your life right now that gives you joy, because nothing lasts forever. 

Author's notes: I admit, this entry sounds a lil grim, but it's not being emo, lmao.  Just a thought that came into mind while browsing through some of my previous entries.

Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est.

In a daze.

Author's note: Yes, S. I know I mentioned him in my previous post but did not tell of how we met. Let's just say we met at Harry's last Wednesday and the rest is history.


I have been back from lunch with S for exactly one and a half hours, and I'm still dazing. When I got back in the office, I sat in the washroom and brushed my teeth for 10 whole minutes, dazing.

I moved on to some work, and I stood there staring at the newspaper articles, dazing. 10 minutes later I had to run off to one of our empty meeting rooms, sat down on the floor, leaned against the couch, dazing.

Right now I'm standing in for Sue Anne at the reception area temporarily, and I'm finding it hard to compose words at my usual speed. I'm still kind of dazing.

I'll be honest since we're all adults here(I think), there's only 2 syllabus running through my head right now -

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED.

And let me tell you this, it was just a simple lunch at Pierside and a short coffee at Starbucks. Nothing else. Bloody hell. It's like the invasion of the body snatchers and I'm turning into a pod person; I haven't been this affected in a long time. I mean, it's a whole different ball game as compared to A(whom, by the way, I heard isn't what he seemed).Well, you saw what I typed above.

Seriously. After whatever this is with S blows over(which I know it would), I am not going to know anymore new guy for the next few months. I can only take so much variants in my life!

Christ. Strawberry is very likely going to be the death of me.