Friday, March 27, 2009

It was fun but...

What's next, now? My mind is running through with a million and one scenarios.

Of course, there could be worse outcomes... But I certainly do not want to become your fubu.

I can't keep doing such things to myself or I'll slowly die inside(if my stupidity doesn't cause my death first).

I want to stay in my protective bubble - thank you very much- believing that one day, one day I can find someone who wants me. Who loves me. Who honestly wants to be with me. Not the constant flow of psychos and men who want to go wham bam thank you Jen!, and I end up becoming a men-hating cat lady living in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, 30+ years down the road.


It has to be all or nothing, and despite how nice it would be, I know you can't and won't be the one giving it to me. Oh well.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.


I was struck by temporary girlish giddiness by a friend I met up with last night, when the high was abruptly ceased when thoughts of D came into mind.

A wave of guilt washed over me, the small voice in my head telling me that I should be grieving over the 'loss' of D, before I chastised myself for feeling so - We are nothing more than friends who've tried with good efforts to maintain contact over the Net, being continents apart.

Yes, I've figured that our spark has finally fizzled out - We've not contacted since late February beside the odd emails here and there. I guess it is time to lay this feelings to rest; No point to desperately choke its throat for the final few gasping breaths.

Not that this guy, H, (whom I've met from Facebook) would be it or something, I must say. Men that hot are not meant for women like me - All that could happen between is most prolly a good roll in the hay, and then it's thanks and see ya!

I suppose that's fine with me. I'm numb about the pros and cons of pure fun vis-a-vis relationships and I've dealt with the fact that my life is not like Gigi's(Ginnifer Goodwin, from He's Just Not That Into You) - I will never be the exception to the rule! Doom and gloom as always, I know... But I'm blaming it on my hormones.


Fate has flipped the coin for me, and I shall but wait.

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's the end of the world as I know it.

There was a shift in seating placements for the IMO department next to my colleagues, leaving about 4-5 desks free.

While most of the desks' locations are still alright, with one particularly succilent one tucked in the corner, there is also one that is directly infront of my manager - Also the nearest available one to our boss - where the ex-executive assistant used to sit.

Seeing that I'm not exactly in my manager and boss' favour, it goes to say that I won't be getting the little corner of heaven. I'm just feverently hoping against odds that I won't genna the 'hot' seat. I am even hoping that they are thinking of employing another executive assistant when the headcount freeze is over, so that they will leave that workstation open.

Sitting in that area would already be a terror in itself - Though I haven't been late in the recent months, every minute past 0900hours that I slip in into the office, and every minute of me doing absolutely nothing because there's no work to be done, will be noticed.

I can't surf the Net because Tiffany took away the privacy screen that was on the console(it costs about $170+ per piece, so ordering a new one won't go unnoticed), and frankly, sitting near your bosses will never amount to any good. (Right now I'm seated allllll the way at the other side of the office diagon-)

Just got back to my desk. Some bloody colleague whose brains aren't working today, decided it was fun to fucking joke around with me when I directed her to the bigger utility room in our office, but she kept on going into the other utility room which was not even half the size. "是那个有很多打印机的那个吗?Is it the room with alot of printers?" FUCK. She is China-Chinese and she looked smart, but I guess I was wrong. UTILITY ROOMS ARE ALL FILLED WITH PRINTERS. Which part of bigger utility room don't you get YOU FUCKING DUMBSHIT?! Made me walked all the way there, guided her every fucking step of the way and opened the cabinet with the calculators for her like she was a fucking baby, as if she haven't been in the company for so much longer than I did.

FUCK.

To say I'm in a pissy mood today is an understatement. Months back, I went on a job hunt, because I was sick of having to see the mug of Office Admin.'s manager - I still am. However, I have learnt to more or less tolerate it.

A couple of months back, I was worried that I would get retrenched, so I resumed my job hunt.
I have thus laxed on the job hunt ever since the retrenchment exercise is over, but I was demoralised when I heard that I won't be getting any fucking bonus for 2008. JUST ME. Bloody fuckin' piece of shit.

If I DO get seated at the one fucking workstation I HATE, I am getting out of this shithole by the end of the 2nd quarter - With or without another fuckin' job.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Hopefully, a year of anticipations...


Do you know what this picture means?

It means, I CAN PLAY MY GUITAR NOW! Well yeah, I've always had the option of just cutting my fingernails and play my god-damn guitar, but I've finally did it yesterday. It's about time to brush the dust off my
Artemis.

Anyway...



Yes. Fina-fucking-lly.

The problem is, I'd only heard about the Amway trip to Las Vegas after the registration was closed, because, as my upline told me, "'Cos this trip will be abit expensive... So it's more for those who really want to learn. If not waste money.'"

I was a little pissed off hearing that... Yes I know, I haven't been to class - But that doesn't mean I intend to stop buying products or that I would learn shit from the trip just because I've stopped going to class. The leaders' teachings are inspirational and it always makes me feel more hopeful about my future. I might have shelved my Amway ambitions for the moment, but I'm not about to give it up totally. If not, why the fuck did I renew my membership when I've stopped going to class?!

I hate it when there's new stuff and I hear nuts about it from my upline aka longtime friend. What harm is there to update me once in awhile instead of dropping off the face of the earth and totally losing contact until recently? Do you know how I felt during the month plus that we went totally incommunicado, when our offices are just opposite one another?

I know I'm selfish and self-centered to let this flatulent anger boil within me, but, all I want is to feel like I'm really a 'baobei'.

Anywayyyyy. I've decided. If registrations are indeed closed and they can't squeeze my name in, or they feel that I might not appreciate this opportunity(mind you, we are paying our own way, but nonetheless), I'll still be making my way down to US, even if it's not to attend the seminar that I was looking forward to.

*Takes a deep calming breath, and cools down*


I'm going, with or without the class, and that's final.


Author's update, later into the day: Hmm. Apparently, one would need to attend every single class till we set off for Vegas, to qualify for going. I suppose I would have been alright if I was told when the schedule first came out; I would have seriously considered making the effort to go to every single class but... Now, hearing it like that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So what about the new friends who would want to attend? *Shrugs* I guess I'll be braving U.S of A on my lonesome.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Being Jennifer Lim.

Today is another of those days at work that I sadly have absolutely nothing to do, so there I was earlier on, sitting at the reception area chatting idly to my colleague.

Our newspaper vendor's despatch was there, delivering a copy of the Financial News that was apparently missing from our usual order. During the lull in my prattle about nothing and everything, I'd absentmindly watch the despatch guy wait for the lift in the lift lobby, before walking into one with a distinct limp.

That was when I realised, hey, I'm pretty fortunate. Yeah, so what if I'm not that pretty? I mean, to some, yes, I might be beautiful, but to most, I'm categorised somewhere in the middle, which is made obvious when I'm around my gorgeous girlfriends.

I have Ying, Amanda, Jeannette, Suyi, and Yuqi who recently joined the fold. Within this 2 groups of girlfriends, they have the market on Hot, Sexy, Gorgeous, Beautiful, and Cute, cornered. I was, and am, always the one that guys' glances often passed over on, to which I suppose is because I'm somewhat neither here nor there of what they look for in a woman. *Shrugs*

The amount of guys that hit on me in a year can be easily counted with 1 hand, and perhaps with another hand if I get lucky, while that amount can be easily beat by most of my gfs within, say, a few months? Some of them still look upon me as the 'guru', but I don't think I deserve that title. I've just been in the scene longer than they did, that's all. Frankly, it's more likely that I'm living my life vicariously through them now, what with the multitude of new men they meet every week.

So what if I get passed over for my girlfriends 80% of the time, even though hanging out with my girls are the only times I get to meet new guys/friends? So what if men that I knew first, now prefer the company of my gfs that I've introduced them to? I might be 'ill-fated' to have gorgeous girlfriends, but I honestly can't complain. They are dear to me, and I'm glad they have the attention they get. They deserve it.

Anyway, my point is - I've came to realise today that, I'm not exactly a troll myself. Moreover, I don't have any physical or mental disabilities that plague some unfortunate souls. Why should I be complaining? I'm still a lil taken aback at this realisation that I shouldn't have felt competitive or undermined; To actually feel contented to being just me, even if this feeling lasts only one day... It ain't half-bad. *Grins*

This is me - The tall but not-as-tall, volumptuous but not-so-slim, pretty but not-as-beautiful, interesting but not-as-fun Jennifer Lim.



And I'm pretty alright with that. ;)