Ahh~ I went to visit my mum on Sat, and thank god (not that I believe in him.. but ANYWAY) she feels better. She still complains, and got a lil weak from the pain, but I can see that she's getting on fine. When she had to do the leg stretching thing on the machine, she was fussy about the blankets around her b/c she had those hospital 1 piece dress on and no pants. It made us laugh and to me, it was laughters of relief.
My mum and I... We skipped the communication part for the entire 1st 11years of my life, so yea, the generation gap was pretty big. But like I said, things had gotten better between us and even tho we don't go around telling each other 'I love yous', we do talk over the phone sometimes and say "I miss yous'. Aww... That's sweet to even think about it xP I love my mum~
I'm going home to visit her tomorrow b/c she'll be discharged already.. All I worry about is whether she would be able to climb the steps. >_<
Anyway, I seriously don't know if there's people who read my blog on a 'regular' basis. I don't type in big words, or talk about interesting stuff other than plain old me. I'm still trying to get a firmer grasp on my English since I've dropped school for quite a while. Looking at the amount of visitors so far, I guess it really isn't much, but I'm really wonder who Mr 'anony' is.. (Note: Tagboard) Well Mr. 'anony', it's sweet of you to show concern but I wish I know who you are.. Or at least get to know you if you aren't anyone I know =o *wink wink* lmao. J/k on the wink wink part xD
I sorta took a break from ConquerOnline again, and went back to Darkeden. This cycle's gonna repeat b/c Ima get bored of DE (again) and go back to CO, before returning to DE again, or moving on to another game. God. I seriously need a life, a job perhaps, but frankly, I don't really give a f*ck even with my current deficit financial situation.
Idk... But if you scan thru my entries, you'll know that my life is basically f*cked up to the extent that it'll be a mess if I start fixing it. I'm not sure where or how to start, even. Ohh the horror... Another human waste of a thing exhausting the Earth's natural resources. *Bows head in remorse*
Dinner gathering with icytonger friends on 26th, boy are they gonna get a shock seeing how fat I've became. I might not even turn up tho, the more I think about it, the more it stresses me out.
I'd just received a sms from Liting not long ago, asking for a gathering (wassup with the gatherings all of a sudden?!) for us - Ting, Yan, Ni, Hui and me. Boy... I wish I could go; it's less stressful with just us old girl friends but the thing is, I quarrelled with Yan remember? Over my bf.. *rolls eyes* I betcha I've mentioned this somewhere but I'll go thru it again.
It was like, my bf? Me? Broke up a few months back, Yan came to accompany me; sleepovers and such, so I could get over him fast. We patched up, Yan disapproved of it, we both got angry and argued. Didn't contact from then on and when we bumped into each other on 1 occasion, she totally ignored me. Lingyan is sweet and basically my best friend but we're both hard-headed. We've sorta been thru this before but we were still classmates back then, so we made up quicker.
I guess I'll start by sms-ing her 1 day. Not now but... Soon. Right now I have 1000000000 other things to worry about. There's this upcoming movie with a brilliant title. "Series of Unfortunate Events." Suits me well don't you think?
Did I mention that my life's f*cked up?
Monday, November 22, 2004
Friday, November 19, 2004
*Rubs her puffed eyes*
Haiz~ My mood had gotten better after watching Sylvester on Singapore Idol (hehehe) but when I got down to the com I thought about my mum again and it saddens me.
I went to East Shore Hospital this afternoon to visit my mum. When I'd just reached, my bro, sis-in-law, Uncle maid and my mum's long-time friend, 'ah girl' auntie was there. My ma had looked rather peaceful lying on the bed resting. I noticed that she had both knees operated on and I breathed a sigh of relief b/c there had been problems raising the sum for the operation for both knees.
I went over to her bedside and I saw ah girl auntie with red nose and eyes and my sis-in-law was massaging my mum's legs for her... When my mum saw me, she looked so weak my eyes immediately started to water... She was in so much pain.. Man if this was my personal journal, I would be writing, "She was in so much pain Tommy," b/c thats what I named my diary... I wish for someone to understand what I've felt upon seeing my mum b/c it hurts so bad. I never thought it would be this terrible but looking at all the tubes in her and the way she cried in pain when she tried to move her legs, it was damn horrible... I wish I could have done more for her but all I did was cry and cry and hold her hands.
I was at a total loss.. It's like hell for me to see my mum going thru so much pain. If nothing goes wrong I'll be going over to visit her tml @ night when Mel gets his car.. I wish I stayed longer today but Mel has an exam tomorrow so we left early. But then.. when he got back, he played DE and watched TV until he finally got to his books 15mins ago. It sucks u know? He doesn't like spending time with my family, when I have to face his, everyday. He blames my mum for not trusting him enough, but who's to blame? He doesn't communicate with my mum enough to let her trust him.
I would have to practically beg Mel to go out to my family outings sometimes, or to come up to my house and sit for a bit when he drives me home, but he always gimme the excuse that he don't want to waste money on the coupons and such. Com'on, the coupons aren't even bought by him. We have other problems in our lives too... But they are too personal to bring it up on my blog =p anyway it's starting to affect our relationship... It's not really affecting him tho. To him, its that, as long as I tolerate it, he thinks everything will be fine... But I can't tolerate forever can I? Seriously, even with him sitting on the bed beside me now, I have to say that Idk if we could last till the end this way... I want someone to care about my family, willing to spend more time communicating with my other loved ones... Not this... Sigh. I just hope everything will turn out smooth in the end.
Haiz... Now that I'm troubled with all these frustrations, I don't have the mood to play games atm... Guess Ima go to read my book until I sleep ba... G'night.
I went to East Shore Hospital this afternoon to visit my mum. When I'd just reached, my bro, sis-in-law, Uncle maid and my mum's long-time friend, 'ah girl' auntie was there. My ma had looked rather peaceful lying on the bed resting. I noticed that she had both knees operated on and I breathed a sigh of relief b/c there had been problems raising the sum for the operation for both knees.
I went over to her bedside and I saw ah girl auntie with red nose and eyes and my sis-in-law was massaging my mum's legs for her... When my mum saw me, she looked so weak my eyes immediately started to water... She was in so much pain.. Man if this was my personal journal, I would be writing, "She was in so much pain Tommy," b/c thats what I named my diary... I wish for someone to understand what I've felt upon seeing my mum b/c it hurts so bad. I never thought it would be this terrible but looking at all the tubes in her and the way she cried in pain when she tried to move her legs, it was damn horrible... I wish I could have done more for her but all I did was cry and cry and hold her hands.
I was at a total loss.. It's like hell for me to see my mum going thru so much pain. If nothing goes wrong I'll be going over to visit her tml @ night when Mel gets his car.. I wish I stayed longer today but Mel has an exam tomorrow so we left early. But then.. when he got back, he played DE and watched TV until he finally got to his books 15mins ago. It sucks u know? He doesn't like spending time with my family, when I have to face his, everyday. He blames my mum for not trusting him enough, but who's to blame? He doesn't communicate with my mum enough to let her trust him.
I would have to practically beg Mel to go out to my family outings sometimes, or to come up to my house and sit for a bit when he drives me home, but he always gimme the excuse that he don't want to waste money on the coupons and such. Com'on, the coupons aren't even bought by him. We have other problems in our lives too... But they are too personal to bring it up on my blog =p anyway it's starting to affect our relationship... It's not really affecting him tho. To him, its that, as long as I tolerate it, he thinks everything will be fine... But I can't tolerate forever can I? Seriously, even with him sitting on the bed beside me now, I have to say that Idk if we could last till the end this way... I want someone to care about my family, willing to spend more time communicating with my other loved ones... Not this... Sigh. I just hope everything will turn out smooth in the end.
Haiz... Now that I'm troubled with all these frustrations, I don't have the mood to play games atm... Guess Ima go to read my book until I sleep ba... G'night.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
YAY!!!
*Cries out loud in happiness* My BTVS bittorrent downloads are finally working again! Whew! I was about to delete my incomplete dls and re-dl again but I finally see numbers on the program other than 0 =P Downloading 'The Twins Effect 2' atm, its only 700mb. Weird.. I'll be able to burn it all in 1 cd. Idk if its full but what the heck.
Went to watch 'Shark Tale' in the evening. Yea I know I'm kinda slow since the movie's like, 'old' now but it's really funny. Lenny (whom I guess is just gay) and Oscar are so cute! Idk who Rene is but the other people who did the voiceover fitted their characters like a glove. I'm glad I've managed to watch it before it gets taken off. 'Incredibles' is next :p It's been a long time since I'd last watched a horror movie, b/c my bf is simply, a C.O.W.A.R.D >_>" He can't stand ghost stories, he's prolly afraid to be out in the dark alone, and he can't even stand the commercials for the horror movies. So yea... I admit that I don't have much of a gut myself, but skipping horror movies for the past 2 years made me pretty much the same as him. 'Wanted to watch a horror movie myself, but all there is now is like um... 'Doll Master'. Thing is.. I have a fear for dolls. Blame it on Chucky. Or w/e it was that I've watched when I was like, 9? I remembered it was a weekend as I was up alone, watch the TV in the dark, and they had this Chucky episode and China dolls were killing people. It was soooo creepy it scared the hell outta me man... Have been afraid of any sorta dolls from then on hehe ^^" If anyone who read this, thinks it's funny to scare me with a doll, think again. You prolly don't know me well enough if you dared =P
So anyway, Mum's entering the hospital tomorrow night... No wait I think its Wednesday, early in the mornin', prolly about 5. The operation doesn't start till afternoon, but she has to like, check in to prepare and stuff. Idk if I'll be able to wake up that early to accompany her there. Should be going in the afternoon ba.. I still feel so worried for my Mum tho' I've already mentioned its not a life-threatening thingy, but I don't like hospitals at all *sniffles* I hope the operation will go smoothly.
Anyway I guess it's time to sleep... All the book readings I did in the past few weeks affected my looks. Seriously! I was like looking at myself in the mirror today and I thought, 'what the fuck, my eyes look smaller everytime I look at them. How amazing can it get?' It's like, my eyelids are uber puffed (not like the crying sort of puffed, but ugly nontheless) and the way they um, fold over? made my eyes look smaller.
I asked Mel and he said it's prolly due to my lack of sleep. Guess he's right >< but I've always been like this. Idk why, but I like to finish books in a single sitting, or at least as quickly as I can. It's a habit, due to the fact my mum used to cane me when she spots me reading non-textbook stuff. I had to hide under the blanket with a weak reading light to read in bed everytime and she will always come into the room and check. If she spots my books, they'll be confiscated. It sucks b/c back then (in primary school), me and my classmates had a book club in which we named, 'Anonymous Book Club' (lmao) and we'll pass around our books to share.
I know I know... Nobody thinks of me as the reading type. In their eyes, I'm more of a happy-go-lucky person who prefers spending my time clubbing or having fun then burrowing my nose in some books. Perhaps even shallow... But w/e it is, at least I don't read non-fictions, right? Well... Not all the time =P
Hehe ok enough of my craps... almost 2.30am now. 'Off to bed, k thx bye!
Went to watch 'Shark Tale' in the evening. Yea I know I'm kinda slow since the movie's like, 'old' now but it's really funny. Lenny (whom I guess is just gay) and Oscar are so cute! Idk who Rene is but the other people who did the voiceover fitted their characters like a glove. I'm glad I've managed to watch it before it gets taken off. 'Incredibles' is next :p It's been a long time since I'd last watched a horror movie, b/c my bf is simply, a C.O.W.A.R.D >_>" He can't stand ghost stories, he's prolly afraid to be out in the dark alone, and he can't even stand the commercials for the horror movies. So yea... I admit that I don't have much of a gut myself, but skipping horror movies for the past 2 years made me pretty much the same as him. 'Wanted to watch a horror movie myself, but all there is now is like um... 'Doll Master'. Thing is.. I have a fear for dolls. Blame it on Chucky. Or w/e it was that I've watched when I was like, 9? I remembered it was a weekend as I was up alone, watch the TV in the dark, and they had this Chucky episode and China dolls were killing people. It was soooo creepy it scared the hell outta me man... Have been afraid of any sorta dolls from then on hehe ^^" If anyone who read this, thinks it's funny to scare me with a doll, think again. You prolly don't know me well enough if you dared =P
So anyway, Mum's entering the hospital tomorrow night... No wait I think its Wednesday, early in the mornin', prolly about 5. The operation doesn't start till afternoon, but she has to like, check in to prepare and stuff. Idk if I'll be able to wake up that early to accompany her there. Should be going in the afternoon ba.. I still feel so worried for my Mum tho' I've already mentioned its not a life-threatening thingy, but I don't like hospitals at all *sniffles* I hope the operation will go smoothly.
Anyway I guess it's time to sleep... All the book readings I did in the past few weeks affected my looks. Seriously! I was like looking at myself in the mirror today and I thought, 'what the fuck, my eyes look smaller everytime I look at them. How amazing can it get?' It's like, my eyelids are uber puffed (not like the crying sort of puffed, but ugly nontheless) and the way they um, fold over? made my eyes look smaller.
I asked Mel and he said it's prolly due to my lack of sleep. Guess he's right >< but I've always been like this. Idk why, but I like to finish books in a single sitting, or at least as quickly as I can. It's a habit, due to the fact my mum used to cane me when she spots me reading non-textbook stuff. I had to hide under the blanket with a weak reading light to read in bed everytime and she will always come into the room and check. If she spots my books, they'll be confiscated. It sucks b/c back then (in primary school), me and my classmates had a book club in which we named, 'Anonymous Book Club' (lmao) and we'll pass around our books to share.
I know I know... Nobody thinks of me as the reading type. In their eyes, I'm more of a happy-go-lucky person who prefers spending my time clubbing or having fun then burrowing my nose in some books. Perhaps even shallow... But w/e it is, at least I don't read non-fictions, right? Well... Not all the time =P
Hehe ok enough of my craps... almost 2.30am now. 'Off to bed, k thx bye!
Monday, November 15, 2004
Uneventful day actually...
Yep, as the topic says, nothing very interesting happened. Played mahjong with Mel's ah ma, second aunt and their friend. I was winning in the beginning, but as time past I got real hot (b/c they didn't want to turn the fan on) and I got more and more impatient.
I lost $70+ sia... To all 3 'kars'. I was like thinking, 'there goes the money for my HP bill' but ah ma and 2nd aunt was nice to give me $20 back each b/c they wanted to win their friend's money, not an 'insider's' money. Hehe ^^"
Anyway, I NEED HELP!!! Boo hoo. My stupid bf went to cancel a BitTorrent dl I had just re-started; it was still checking its existing file and he closed it without asking me. Grr. Needless to say he was beaten up by me till he said he won't touch it without my permission again MUAHAHA~ But the thing is, when I tried to dl it again, it kept giving me the 'openurl error, operation timed out' msg. Does that mean my dl/file got corrupted?! >_> I took quite a few days getting it to 20% you know =\. Idk if I should delete the file and re-dl... It'll kill me if I realise the problem can be solved. So anyone who reads this and know how to solve it, please leave a msg on my tagboard. Thanks!
Anyway, had been with Mum for the past 2 days @ hm b/c she's going to the hospital to operate on her knees on Wed. It's not life-threatening; its the old people's disease whereby they lose all the calcium in the kneebones... Mum needs some metal support thingy to be put in there. Thing is, nobody is really helping her with the medical fees... The cost for 1 knee cost about $10,000+... around 12k I think... She's only managed to borrow $18,000 from the insurance company so she only can operate on 1 knee tho' she had laid off the operation till now so that she can have enough time off to operate on both. Looking at how it is, she doesn't have enough money... My stupid brother, or rather, my stupid sis-in-law with my W.H.I.P.P.E.D bro refused to help her out in the medical fees... Said that they don't have money. And look at who buys LV slippers for $700+ when it looks like any ah pek slippers from far.
They didn't even want to let my mum use their medishield/medisave. Said they have too lil in it, blah blah blah. Asked my brother-in-law to use his instead. I mean, seriously, my bro-in-law, or rather, my ex bro-in-law wasn't the best kind of man to my mum. He'd borrowed tens of thousands from my mum when he was still married to my sis, before he had an affair a few yrs after. Even now my ex bro-in-law treats my mum and sister very nicely, I don't see how my bro, as our mum's own flesh and blood, could do this to her. Nobody else in our family could help beside him. My sis declared bankrupt a year ago and she's been trying to make ends meet. Still she gives every spare money she has to my mum. Even tho I'm not working (I'm not that far better as my bro I know... sigh) but I always try not to take my pocket money from my mum. My sis, nieces and mum have been so awesome to me.. It sucks to see our situation like that :(
Jasmine's (my youngest niece, 16) god-bro (son of her god-mother) passed away in his sleep a few days ago. It's so awful... I heard he's only 26. Jasmine must have been devastated... That reminds me.. I should sms her and send my condolenses.
Sigh.. I guess this isn't really an uneventful day. It's just.. so sad to think about all the stuff that had happened. I'm so disappointed in myself that I couldn't help, and I wasn't even there to help in w/e I could...
I lost $70+ sia... To all 3 'kars'. I was like thinking, 'there goes the money for my HP bill' but ah ma and 2nd aunt was nice to give me $20 back each b/c they wanted to win their friend's money, not an 'insider's' money. Hehe ^^"
Anyway, I NEED HELP!!! Boo hoo. My stupid bf went to cancel a BitTorrent dl I had just re-started; it was still checking its existing file and he closed it without asking me. Grr. Needless to say he was beaten up by me till he said he won't touch it without my permission again MUAHAHA~ But the thing is, when I tried to dl it again, it kept giving me the 'openurl error, operation timed out' msg. Does that mean my dl/file got corrupted?! >_> I took quite a few days getting it to 20% you know =\. Idk if I should delete the file and re-dl... It'll kill me if I realise the problem can be solved. So anyone who reads this and know how to solve it, please leave a msg on my tagboard. Thanks!
Anyway, had been with Mum for the past 2 days @ hm b/c she's going to the hospital to operate on her knees on Wed. It's not life-threatening; its the old people's disease whereby they lose all the calcium in the kneebones... Mum needs some metal support thingy to be put in there. Thing is, nobody is really helping her with the medical fees... The cost for 1 knee cost about $10,000+... around 12k I think... She's only managed to borrow $18,000 from the insurance company so she only can operate on 1 knee tho' she had laid off the operation till now so that she can have enough time off to operate on both. Looking at how it is, she doesn't have enough money... My stupid brother, or rather, my stupid sis-in-law with my W.H.I.P.P.E.D bro refused to help her out in the medical fees... Said that they don't have money. And look at who buys LV slippers for $700+ when it looks like any ah pek slippers from far.
They didn't even want to let my mum use their medishield/medisave. Said they have too lil in it, blah blah blah. Asked my brother-in-law to use his instead. I mean, seriously, my bro-in-law, or rather, my ex bro-in-law wasn't the best kind of man to my mum. He'd borrowed tens of thousands from my mum when he was still married to my sis, before he had an affair a few yrs after. Even now my ex bro-in-law treats my mum and sister very nicely, I don't see how my bro, as our mum's own flesh and blood, could do this to her. Nobody else in our family could help beside him. My sis declared bankrupt a year ago and she's been trying to make ends meet. Still she gives every spare money she has to my mum. Even tho I'm not working (I'm not that far better as my bro I know... sigh) but I always try not to take my pocket money from my mum. My sis, nieces and mum have been so awesome to me.. It sucks to see our situation like that :(
Jasmine's (my youngest niece, 16) god-bro (son of her god-mother) passed away in his sleep a few days ago. It's so awful... I heard he's only 26. Jasmine must have been devastated... That reminds me.. I should sms her and send my condolenses.
Sigh.. I guess this isn't really an uneventful day. It's just.. so sad to think about all the stuff that had happened. I'm so disappointed in myself that I couldn't help, and I wasn't even there to help in w/e I could...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Fuck this shit...
When You're Depressed...
You feel sad or cry a lot and it doesn't go away.
You feel guilty for no real reason; you feel like you're no good; you've lost your confidence.
Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again.
You have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like you have no feelings.
You don't feel like doing a lot of the things you used to like -- like music, sports, being with friends, going out -- and you want to be left alone most of the time.
It's hard to make up your mind. You forget lots of things, and it's hard to concentrate.
You get irritated often. Little things make you lose your temper; you overreact.
Your sleep pattern changes; you start sleeping a lot more or you have trouble falling asleep at night. Or you wake up really early most mornings and can't get back to sleep.
Your eating habits change; you've lost your appetite or you eat a lot more.
You feel restless and tired most of the time.
You think about death, or feel like you're dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide.
Fuck this shit... Even though I try to deny it, but I think my depression is getting worse... Mel always wanted to get me to a shrink but I rejected the idea... I don't want anyone poking in on my affairs. But right now... I realise I have all the 'symptons' declared for depression...
Am I really suffering from depression? The feeling of inferiority has always been there.. Since I was a kid. I can't put a finger to that tho.. And I don't see a purpose in life except to love and be love.. But it don't work out at all. Everytime I managed to build up some confidence in myself... Something will always come by and sweep it away easily like it was dust on the floor...
Mel always told me that if I felt theres no purpose in the world, what about him? What about my mother? My heart stings whenever I think about my mum... I owe her so much. We used to have so many problems and misunderstandings between us, the beatings, the insults, but now that she'd stopped, we grew close and I realised I really love my mum very much.. But all the more a pang of guilt hits me on how useless I've been... Dropping out of school and unable to find a permanent job... This all sucks.. I'm unsuccessful in most of the stuff I do in my life... Suicides have been attempted before but failed or stopped... I guess if I had more guts, they wouldn't have been able to stop me in time... This is all fucked up. Will I be asking too much if I want final peace..?
You feel sad or cry a lot and it doesn't go away.
You feel guilty for no real reason; you feel like you're no good; you've lost your confidence.
Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again.
You have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like you have no feelings.
You don't feel like doing a lot of the things you used to like -- like music, sports, being with friends, going out -- and you want to be left alone most of the time.
It's hard to make up your mind. You forget lots of things, and it's hard to concentrate.
You get irritated often. Little things make you lose your temper; you overreact.
Your sleep pattern changes; you start sleeping a lot more or you have trouble falling asleep at night. Or you wake up really early most mornings and can't get back to sleep.
Your eating habits change; you've lost your appetite or you eat a lot more.
You feel restless and tired most of the time.
You think about death, or feel like you're dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide.
Fuck this shit... Even though I try to deny it, but I think my depression is getting worse... Mel always wanted to get me to a shrink but I rejected the idea... I don't want anyone poking in on my affairs. But right now... I realise I have all the 'symptons' declared for depression...
Am I really suffering from depression? The feeling of inferiority has always been there.. Since I was a kid. I can't put a finger to that tho.. And I don't see a purpose in life except to love and be love.. But it don't work out at all. Everytime I managed to build up some confidence in myself... Something will always come by and sweep it away easily like it was dust on the floor...
Mel always told me that if I felt theres no purpose in the world, what about him? What about my mother? My heart stings whenever I think about my mum... I owe her so much. We used to have so many problems and misunderstandings between us, the beatings, the insults, but now that she'd stopped, we grew close and I realised I really love my mum very much.. But all the more a pang of guilt hits me on how useless I've been... Dropping out of school and unable to find a permanent job... This all sucks.. I'm unsuccessful in most of the stuff I do in my life... Suicides have been attempted before but failed or stopped... I guess if I had more guts, they wouldn't have been able to stop me in time... This is all fucked up. Will I be asking too much if I want final peace..?
Boo >.> haiz
Just changed my blog's song to apparently "Let's Get it Started' by Black Eyed Peas. What I have on my com is 'Let's Get Retarded', and I've only realised now that its actually 2 version, 1 sings 'It Started' instead of 'Retarded'. It's damn weird... Why the different version? Only 1 word is changed, and I don't see how the word 'retarded' links to anything. Hmm... Retarded as in linked to t3h use of drugs? Perhaps.
--Ok this is bullshit... There's something fucked up about blogspot. I edited this post by adding the paragraph above, and my WHOLE PILE OF SHIT BELOW DISAPPEARED! AND THATS AT LEAST 6 PARAGRAPHS YO! Fucktard. Now I have to retype. I can't even remembered much :(--
At least 1 thing I'm sure of, is that my job application failed. Damn >< makeup ="X">= Monster Island, The Lost Slayer Part 2, Spike and Dru: Pretty Maids in Many Towns, (and 1 more I forgot =p). Michael Crichton: Timeline, Disclosure, Sphere. Currently reading: His book on Eaters of the Dead, something about Vikings. Recommended: Timeline, By Michael Crichton. It's awesome... I learnt more about physics and quite abit about quantum teleportation, prolly even Old English and Middle French =P:::
--Ok this is bullshit... There's something fucked up about blogspot. I edited this post by adding the paragraph above, and my WHOLE PILE OF SHIT BELOW DISAPPEARED! AND THATS AT LEAST 6 PARAGRAPHS YO! Fucktard. Now I have to retype. I can't even remembered much :(--
At least 1 thing I'm sure of, is that my job application failed. Damn >< makeup ="X">= Monster Island, The Lost Slayer Part 2, Spike and Dru: Pretty Maids in Many Towns, (and 1 more I forgot =p). Michael Crichton: Timeline, Disclosure, Sphere. Currently reading: His book on Eaters of the Dead, something about Vikings. Recommended: Timeline, By Michael Crichton. It's awesome... I learnt more about physics and quite abit about quantum teleportation, prolly even Old English and Middle French =P:::
Friday, November 05, 2004
=O so its Bush after all
Hearts are crushed I supposed... After what I thought last night I didn't want Bush re-elected as much as before.
Maybe I'm feeling these for my friends since I do have quite a number of American friends. I've left and right wing supporters so right now they're pretty tensed lmao.
Like I said, tho' I had always wish I'm borned in Amercia, its times like this I feel lucky I'm not. At least I won't feel this damnation some of my friends are going thru now =P
I wanted to swim :( I was already preparing but it's all fated. I can't find my swim suit. I think I left it at home. Boo~~~~~~~~ I'm not going to the gym today. I had the 3 1/2 hours sleep thingy again. I fell asleep at 7am, woke up at 10.30am. Creepy, huh? I've calculated and it has really always been 3 1/2hours more or less... I seem to wake up automatically. *shivers*
Ahh well... Off to CO/book/sleep I guess... Will update tonight if theres anything else. Ta-ta~
Maybe I'm feeling these for my friends since I do have quite a number of American friends. I've left and right wing supporters so right now they're pretty tensed lmao.
Like I said, tho' I had always wish I'm borned in Amercia, its times like this I feel lucky I'm not. At least I won't feel this damnation some of my friends are going thru now =P
I wanted to swim :( I was already preparing but it's all fated. I can't find my swim suit. I think I left it at home. Boo~~~~~~~~ I'm not going to the gym today. I had the 3 1/2 hours sleep thingy again. I fell asleep at 7am, woke up at 10.30am. Creepy, huh? I've calculated and it has really always been 3 1/2hours more or less... I seem to wake up automatically. *shivers*
Ahh well... Off to CO/book/sleep I guess... Will update tonight if theres anything else. Ta-ta~
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Ooh... America's President Election!
Hmm, seriously, I don't give much of a shit to the elections, but it's interesting to know the results.
I went to look at my friend, Leo's blog for awhile, and I saw some intriguing stuff I've not know of. He's stated in my link on the left... But I'll link it here - www.copvcia.com or www.thepowerhour.com. Anyway, I had wanted Bush to be re-elected. To me then, I'd rather a dumbass than a power/money hungry guy for President of the super power country. The websites have got me re-thinking. A few years back during the 9/11, I didn't bother looking it up on the Net and stuff; I just thought that there was something to it other than what was shown in the surface. Couldn't put a finger to it. Good job Leo! =P It'd made me glad I'm in Singapore; small country, lesser shit and controversy than America.
Anyways, I'm not exactly the political type atm, esp. when I don't have much grasp on this issue. Let's move on :P
I'm into my 4th book in 3days... Yea no bs. I borrowed some books from the JE library on Monday, and fuck yea its huge and took me quite a while to find the books I wanted to read. I was suffering from Spike withdrawal u see HAHAHA.
Saw some Michael Crichton books and borrowed them too. I've completed 'Disclosure', re-read 'Sphere' just now, read one BTVS (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) book on Spike and Dru, now I'm onto my last book which is also BTVS =X. Time to go to the library again tomorrow heh ^^"
I had Fillet o fish meal (UPSIZED) a few hours ago, SINFUL though I have had lil dinner earlier on. I kinda wanted to go on a diet you see... >_>" Grr.
My body still feels weird, maybe from staying up and reading books by the table lamp. Eyes hurting, neck and shoulders aching. Sucks... Mel asked me to go to the doc's, should I? Kinda seemed like a waste of money... I don't supposed I'll have proper meds for it, just some advices and bullshit medicines and the consultation fees. I'll just try to get to sleep as per norm later... See how it goes.
Anyway, I bet any old friend who reads this will be thinking, 'Oh, her 'slim-down' plans, again. She ought to have more sense since she'd proposed the idea of slimming down dozens of time and never got around doing it.' I do, I mean, I KNOW THAT! ><
(freaky, part of my entry disappeared. Anyway, edit>>) The main reason why I'm trying to slim down besides the fact that I wanna look as good as I used to (vainity, yes) is that you know, karma might like me once again and give me a shot in that industry and let me climb up slowly. Maybe one day when I'm accompanying the girl to one of her photoshoots, and the photographer or person in-charge will come over and say to me, "Hey. Have you ever done photoshoots like this? You look decent. It might work for you to be one of our models. Wanna see how you'll turn out on our photos?" LIVE A DREAM BABY! =P
I know its pretty much impossible. It's not like I have a darn pretty face with only a slight figure problem. I have an average, if you don't mind :P, pretty face, yea just an average pretty face with quite some pounds to shed. Even if I shed enough to get the figure, oh heck, what am I hiding for, yea I have big boobs, so if I have a model's figure, it might do me good. But still, I'm not outstanding. In short, I don't think I have the whole package and just lack the x-factor lah. >_> all the 'model jobs' people ever approached me for are... um... How do you say... Not the ones I had in mind. Not anywhere close. So yea, I'm crossing my fingers for that job, ONE STEP CLOSER YO!
Ok, I'm getting stupidly excited over this. I shouldn't, b/c I got a feeling I might not get the job from Mr. Takeshi. Sigh. We'll see how it goes. Ta-ta~
-Gone to read her book.- *thinks* Maybe I should go to the gym and swimming pool for a while tomorrow...
:: Edit, 10mins later. I'm kinda freaking out.. lol. I wanted to come to the com to type about how funny it is to read about 'dark forces of evil' when after reading 2 Michael Crichton's book in a row, as my mindset now is more practical or prone towards ULF (Unknown life forms) instead of ghouls and vamps... Then backmasking suddenly came into mine, you know, secret Satanic messages when you play certain Rock n' Roll songs backwards... Since Rock n' Roll is said to orginate from Satan himself. Kinda creeped me out... Idk why. Maybe b/c its 2.30am in the morning and everyone's asleep, and here I am listening to songs reversed and hearing Satanic msgs... I'm lucky I'm atheist/taoist religion and not anti-Christ like I was a few years ago. Whew. :::
I went to look at my friend, Leo's blog for awhile, and I saw some intriguing stuff I've not know of. He's stated in my link on the left... But I'll link it here - www.copvcia.com or www.thepowerhour.com. Anyway, I had wanted Bush to be re-elected. To me then, I'd rather a dumbass than a power/money hungry guy for President of the super power country. The websites have got me re-thinking. A few years back during the 9/11, I didn't bother looking it up on the Net and stuff; I just thought that there was something to it other than what was shown in the surface. Couldn't put a finger to it. Good job Leo! =P It'd made me glad I'm in Singapore; small country, lesser shit and controversy than America.
Anyways, I'm not exactly the political type atm, esp. when I don't have much grasp on this issue. Let's move on :P
I'm into my 4th book in 3days... Yea no bs. I borrowed some books from the JE library on Monday, and fuck yea its huge and took me quite a while to find the books I wanted to read. I was suffering from Spike withdrawal u see HAHAHA.
Saw some Michael Crichton books and borrowed them too. I've completed 'Disclosure', re-read 'Sphere' just now, read one BTVS (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) book on Spike and Dru, now I'm onto my last book which is also BTVS =X. Time to go to the library again tomorrow heh ^^"
I had Fillet o fish meal (UPSIZED) a few hours ago, SINFUL though I have had lil dinner earlier on. I kinda wanted to go on a diet you see... >_>" Grr.
My body still feels weird, maybe from staying up and reading books by the table lamp. Eyes hurting, neck and shoulders aching. Sucks... Mel asked me to go to the doc's, should I? Kinda seemed like a waste of money... I don't supposed I'll have proper meds for it, just some advices and bullshit medicines and the consultation fees. I'll just try to get to sleep as per norm later... See how it goes.
Anyway, I bet any old friend who reads this will be thinking, 'Oh, her 'slim-down' plans, again. She ought to have more sense since she'd proposed the idea of slimming down dozens of time and never got around doing it.' I do, I mean, I KNOW THAT! ><
(freaky, part of my entry disappeared. Anyway, edit>>) The main reason why I'm trying to slim down besides the fact that I wanna look as good as I used to (vainity, yes) is that you know, karma might like me once again and give me a shot in that industry and let me climb up slowly. Maybe one day when I'm accompanying the girl to one of her photoshoots, and the photographer or person in-charge will come over and say to me, "Hey. Have you ever done photoshoots like this? You look decent. It might work for you to be one of our models. Wanna see how you'll turn out on our photos?" LIVE A DREAM BABY! =P
I know its pretty much impossible. It's not like I have a darn pretty face with only a slight figure problem. I have an average, if you don't mind :P, pretty face, yea just an average pretty face with quite some pounds to shed. Even if I shed enough to get the figure, oh heck, what am I hiding for, yea I have big boobs, so if I have a model's figure, it might do me good. But still, I'm not outstanding. In short, I don't think I have the whole package and just lack the x-factor lah. >_> all the 'model jobs' people ever approached me for are... um... How do you say... Not the ones I had in mind. Not anywhere close. So yea, I'm crossing my fingers for that job, ONE STEP CLOSER YO!
Ok, I'm getting stupidly excited over this. I shouldn't, b/c I got a feeling I might not get the job from Mr. Takeshi. Sigh. We'll see how it goes. Ta-ta~
-Gone to read her book.- *thinks* Maybe I should go to the gym and swimming pool for a while tomorrow...
:: Edit, 10mins later. I'm kinda freaking out.. lol. I wanted to come to the com to type about how funny it is to read about 'dark forces of evil' when after reading 2 Michael Crichton's book in a row, as my mindset now is more practical or prone towards ULF (Unknown life forms) instead of ghouls and vamps... Then backmasking suddenly came into mine, you know, secret Satanic messages when you play certain Rock n' Roll songs backwards... Since Rock n' Roll is said to orginate from Satan himself. Kinda creeped me out... Idk why. Maybe b/c its 2.30am in the morning and everyone's asleep, and here I am listening to songs reversed and hearing Satanic msgs... I'm lucky I'm atheist/taoist religion and not anti-Christ like I was a few years ago. Whew. :::
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Do I see that silver lining?
No wait, before I get down to explaining my topic, lemme whine a lil about how my body system is malfunctioning.
It's 7.40am right now, and I had woken up like, 5hours ago, after falling asleep at around 11pm+. This isn't the 1st time (note previous topic) and I thought it was b/c of the fever thingy, now that I'm fine, this got me puzzled.
I mean, I've been trying to tune my body clock back, by sleeping before 12-12.30mn for the past week now. All I've managed was to sleep till late afternoons (around 2pm, not a very significant change) or the sudden surge of energy in the wee hours and not being able to fall asleep only until mornings. This sucks... I know very well that I'm going to fall asleep after I have breakfast later, or slug myself thru-out the day till I get to bed early tonight, and repeat the whole process again. Grr...
Right now my eyes hurt for finishing 'Disclosure' by Michael Crichton in 1 night, by the table lamp, and my tummy still gets a lil painful due to that seld-made (Idk, dirty?) salmon sashimi I ate 2 nights ago. Life just stinks atm.
Oh I almost forgot about my possible job thingy... I went in IRC last week to d/l songs and crap with old friends (since I've pretty much MIA-ed from it) and Jimmy aka gup5ter PM-ed me. He asked me why v3n0m called him the other day... The reason I'd rather not bring up b/c it brings a sting to my heart. Sting of guilt...
N/m.. Getting back to topic, we talked and chatted about old times, and he asked me if I wanted a part-time job sorta thingy. I thought, 'hell yea, why not?' And he told me about this 'Artist Manager' position that his friend, Mr Toba Takashi might employ me for. You see, Jimmy was a finalist in a talent search thingy, and I think Mr Takashi was um, running that show then? So they got to be friends and such and Jimmy knew he might need people, so ta-ta, he gave me the guy's email, and I emailed him.
It took quite a few days for him to reply. I almost thought it wasn't gonna work. Well, it still might not pull thru, but at least I've got hope. I mean, artist manager, idk what it needs as qualifications seriously, just old and sensible enough? In short, its kinda like those 'artist nanny' sorta work, um, a sidekick to accompany the girl around when she goes for photoshoots etc. It's just glorified by that name.
Still, it seems interesting. If I get the job, I might hook up with a nice girl whom I'll get along with and earn money in the process, or a total bitch who'll boss me around. Who knows? It just seems interesting enough tho' I heard the pay isn't that attractive.
Who the hell cares, since I've been out of job for quite a while now? =P I'm just hoping I'll get a shot at the job... Will add a new entry to my resume other than sales or marketing.
Hmm... Moving onto other subjects, my didi, Alan sent me an invitation to GMail :D Wee I still have friends who think about me! Lmao yea its cool, 1 gigabyte wtf, I can store alot of shit in that email ^^". My Msn is still jenxger@hotmail.com, idk if I wanna change it to the new jenxger@gmail.com, but w/e, u can still reach me on both.
Anyway, I have to go now. Time to slap some fucking sense into myself. Yea.. I got myself into more shit again when I have managed to pull myself outta it quite successfully. 'Have managed' is the word -_-. I'm sorry I can't share this over the net... It's just too private. All I can say is that its unfair to anyone close to me. I have to stop what I'm trying to do unconsciously. Time to snap out of it and hurt lesser people meanwhile.
Ahh... I think it's just the fucking too-much-time-on-hand problem; It's time for me to get a job again. Devoting time on other stuff and getting to know more people might just make the pain and problems go away... Or so I hope. Wish me luck!
It's 7.40am right now, and I had woken up like, 5hours ago, after falling asleep at around 11pm+. This isn't the 1st time (note previous topic) and I thought it was b/c of the fever thingy, now that I'm fine, this got me puzzled.
I mean, I've been trying to tune my body clock back, by sleeping before 12-12.30mn for the past week now. All I've managed was to sleep till late afternoons (around 2pm, not a very significant change) or the sudden surge of energy in the wee hours and not being able to fall asleep only until mornings. This sucks... I know very well that I'm going to fall asleep after I have breakfast later, or slug myself thru-out the day till I get to bed early tonight, and repeat the whole process again. Grr...
Right now my eyes hurt for finishing 'Disclosure' by Michael Crichton in 1 night, by the table lamp, and my tummy still gets a lil painful due to that seld-made (Idk, dirty?) salmon sashimi I ate 2 nights ago. Life just stinks atm.
Oh I almost forgot about my possible job thingy... I went in IRC last week to d/l songs and crap with old friends (since I've pretty much MIA-ed from it) and Jimmy aka gup5ter PM-ed me. He asked me why v3n0m called him the other day... The reason I'd rather not bring up b/c it brings a sting to my heart. Sting of guilt...
N/m.. Getting back to topic, we talked and chatted about old times, and he asked me if I wanted a part-time job sorta thingy. I thought, 'hell yea, why not?' And he told me about this 'Artist Manager' position that his friend, Mr Toba Takashi might employ me for. You see, Jimmy was a finalist in a talent search thingy, and I think Mr Takashi was um, running that show then? So they got to be friends and such and Jimmy knew he might need people, so ta-ta, he gave me the guy's email, and I emailed him.
It took quite a few days for him to reply. I almost thought it wasn't gonna work. Well, it still might not pull thru, but at least I've got hope. I mean, artist manager, idk what it needs as qualifications seriously, just old and sensible enough? In short, its kinda like those 'artist nanny' sorta work, um, a sidekick to accompany the girl around when she goes for photoshoots etc. It's just glorified by that name.
Still, it seems interesting. If I get the job, I might hook up with a nice girl whom I'll get along with and earn money in the process, or a total bitch who'll boss me around. Who knows? It just seems interesting enough tho' I heard the pay isn't that attractive.
Who the hell cares, since I've been out of job for quite a while now? =P I'm just hoping I'll get a shot at the job... Will add a new entry to my resume other than sales or marketing.
Hmm... Moving onto other subjects, my didi, Alan sent me an invitation to GMail :D Wee I still have friends who think about me! Lmao yea its cool, 1 gigabyte wtf, I can store alot of shit in that email ^^". My Msn is still jenxger@hotmail.com, idk if I wanna change it to the new jenxger@gmail.com, but w/e, u can still reach me on both.
Anyway, I have to go now. Time to slap some fucking sense into myself. Yea.. I got myself into more shit again when I have managed to pull myself outta it quite successfully. 'Have managed' is the word -_-. I'm sorry I can't share this over the net... It's just too private. All I can say is that its unfair to anyone close to me. I have to stop what I'm trying to do unconsciously. Time to snap out of it and hurt lesser people meanwhile.
Ahh... I think it's just the fucking too-much-time-on-hand problem; It's time for me to get a job again. Devoting time on other stuff and getting to know more people might just make the pain and problems go away... Or so I hope. Wish me luck!
Monday, November 01, 2004
Damn... I wanted to go to that Halloween Party @ ChinaBlack... Might have went in my old Jap school girl uniform (LOL) or some wacky outfit I can mix from my warerobe... But.. >.> Money is the ultimate problem heh I didn't have much friends wanting to go either; I wouldn't want to turn up in some wacky outfit alone do I?
Anyway, I've finally recovered fully from the fever. Yay! And I developed a crush on my new idol, yay! Check out the incredibly sexy guy, James Marsters! This is mah desktop pic.. Muahaha.
*Drools like hell* =d hehe he's my man... I'd always liked him when BTVS was on TV. I had liked Buffy with Angel then... But JM aka Spike came along and he's DA MAN! :X ok this is too much girly talk lmao, but he's helluva sexy and cool. And he's cute when he smiles... That's the killer for me. I have such a BIG THING for cute guys. Not exactly those baby-face guys... JM is cute.. Tall lanky guys with glasses will be cute too... (Only some)... Even bengs or goths can be cute... It all has to do with the smile actually.. Shy smiles from shy cute guys work too... Oh wth what am I talking about 0_0 *starts thinking of the cuties and Exs she know ._."* Bleah its hard to explain xP You know, perhaps that's the reason why I got together with my bf in the 1st place. He's downright ugly but has a cute smile when he's shy. LOL! J/k dear :P well he's kinda cute in some perspective and w/e bad points he has/had, I've grown to accept them already. So ANYWAY,
CUTE GUYS ROX J00!!!!!! =P
I'll try to post more pictures of cute guys here if I can... To share with the girls who might be reading *lmao* Lotsa things happening at home atm, so I'm not looking to get my digicam anytime soon *Aww* So no snapping pics of cute guys on the street! (Well I might do so with the hp if I spot a REALLY cute guy... Costly ya know =P I don't have the cable thingy.)
Okok enough about the girl talk haha... I just woke up 2hours+ ago after I fell asleep at 12mn... Don't know why but I kinda woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm feeling sleepy now.. So yea, gonna hit the sack later.
Oh anyway, Guild Wars is awesome! I played it the whole day on 29th, and it got a lil boring for me b/c all there is, are several quests (I heard there's only 7 atm) and once you dc you go back to starter town and you have to do it from scratch. So yea, it's either chiong to the end in 1 shot (which will prolly take about.. 4-5hours since 1 quest takes about 30-45mins at least) or keep doing the 1st few ones. All I managed was to the 5th one. It got too hard so my team gave it up.
I didn't play it on the second day, but decided to login yesterday since it was the last day. They have PvP up (player vs player aka PK) and it was cool. I haven't try it yet, but I like their efficiency. It's just a World Preview but they're constantly upgrading it. Cool WC3 graphics with a lil hmm, LOTR flavour to it I guess, and a good team working behind it. The NPCs didn't work too well for me tho; kinda confusing when we want to make an armor or upgrade stuff and there wasn't enough help around to learn stuff etc. Still, it's just the beginning. I believe it'll rock when its released officially. Heard that it'll come out as a CD in the end (like Warcraft) so I might buy it (Or bug Mel into buyin it lmao).
Yep, so that's my overall review for Guild Wars :p I give a... 3 1/2 out of 5stars for the World Preview, mainly b/c for its awesome realistic graphics and that its RPG =P You would have missed the event by the time you read this, na-na-ni-na-na!
6.40am... Boo >.> sticky situation. Sleep, or wait up for breakfast? *Back aches* Boo hoo...
Anyway, I've finally recovered fully from the fever. Yay! And I developed a crush on my new idol, yay! Check out the incredibly sexy guy, James Marsters! This is mah desktop pic.. Muahaha.
*Drools like hell* =d hehe he's my man... I'd always liked him when BTVS was on TV. I had liked Buffy with Angel then... But JM aka Spike came along and he's DA MAN! :X ok this is too much girly talk lmao, but he's helluva sexy and cool. And he's cute when he smiles... That's the killer for me. I have such a BIG THING for cute guys. Not exactly those baby-face guys... JM is cute.. Tall lanky guys with glasses will be cute too... (Only some)... Even bengs or goths can be cute... It all has to do with the smile actually.. Shy smiles from shy cute guys work too... Oh wth what am I talking about 0_0 *starts thinking of the cuties and Exs she know ._."* Bleah its hard to explain xP You know, perhaps that's the reason why I got together with my bf in the 1st place. He's downright ugly but has a cute smile when he's shy. LOL! J/k dear :P well he's kinda cute in some perspective and w/e bad points he has/had, I've grown to accept them already. So ANYWAY,
CUTE GUYS ROX J00!!!!!! =P
I'll try to post more pictures of cute guys here if I can... To share with the girls who might be reading *lmao* Lotsa things happening at home atm, so I'm not looking to get my digicam anytime soon *Aww* So no snapping pics of cute guys on the street! (Well I might do so with the hp if I spot a REALLY cute guy... Costly ya know =P I don't have the cable thingy.)
Okok enough about the girl talk haha... I just woke up 2hours+ ago after I fell asleep at 12mn... Don't know why but I kinda woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm feeling sleepy now.. So yea, gonna hit the sack later.
Oh anyway, Guild Wars is awesome! I played it the whole day on 29th, and it got a lil boring for me b/c all there is, are several quests (I heard there's only 7 atm) and once you dc you go back to starter town and you have to do it from scratch. So yea, it's either chiong to the end in 1 shot (which will prolly take about.. 4-5hours since 1 quest takes about 30-45mins at least) or keep doing the 1st few ones. All I managed was to the 5th one. It got too hard so my team gave it up.
I didn't play it on the second day, but decided to login yesterday since it was the last day. They have PvP up (player vs player aka PK) and it was cool. I haven't try it yet, but I like their efficiency. It's just a World Preview but they're constantly upgrading it. Cool WC3 graphics with a lil hmm, LOTR flavour to it I guess, and a good team working behind it. The NPCs didn't work too well for me tho; kinda confusing when we want to make an armor or upgrade stuff and there wasn't enough help around to learn stuff etc. Still, it's just the beginning. I believe it'll rock when its released officially. Heard that it'll come out as a CD in the end (like Warcraft) so I might buy it (Or bug Mel into buyin it lmao).
Yep, so that's my overall review for Guild Wars :p I give a... 3 1/2 out of 5stars for the World Preview, mainly b/c for its awesome realistic graphics and that its RPG =P You would have missed the event by the time you read this, na-na-ni-na-na!
6.40am... Boo >.> sticky situation. Sleep, or wait up for breakfast? *Back aches* Boo hoo...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
