Fuck this shit...

When You're Depressed...
You feel sad or cry a lot and it doesn't go away.
You feel guilty for no real reason; you feel like you're no good; you've lost your confidence.
Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again.
You have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like you have no feelings.
You don't feel like doing a lot of the things you used to like -- like music, sports, being with friends, going out -- and you want to be left alone most of the time.
It's hard to make up your mind. You forget lots of things, and it's hard to concentrate.
You get irritated often. Little things make you lose your temper; you overreact.
Your sleep pattern changes; you start sleeping a lot more or you have trouble falling asleep at night. Or you wake up really early most mornings and can't get back to sleep.
Your eating habits change; you've lost your appetite or you eat a lot more.
You feel restless and tired most of the time.
You think about death, or feel like you're dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide.

Fuck this shit... Even though I try to deny it, but I think my depression is getting worse... Mel always wanted to get me to a shrink but I rejected the idea... I don't want anyone poking in on my affairs. But right now... I realise I have all the 'symptons' declared for depression...

Am I really suffering from depression? The feeling of inferiority has always been there.. Since I was a kid. I can't put a finger to that tho.. And I don't see a purpose in life except to love and be love.. But it don't work out at all. Everytime I managed to build up some confidence in myself... Something will always come by and sweep it away easily like it was dust on the floor...

Mel always told me that if I felt theres no purpose in the world, what about him? What about my mother? My heart stings whenever I think about my mum... I owe her so much. We used to have so many problems and misunderstandings between us, the beatings, the insults, but now that she'd stopped, we grew close and I realised I really love my mum very much.. But all the more a pang of guilt hits me on how useless I've been... Dropping out of school and unable to find a permanent job... This all sucks.. I'm unsuccessful in most of the stuff I do in my life... Suicides have been attempted before but failed or stopped... I guess if I had more guts, they wouldn't have been able to stop me in time... This is all fucked up. Will I be asking too much if I want final peace..?