Long distance thing?!

It's probably very silly of me to be fawning over your words, but you totally got me when you gave me that compliment over our oovoo chat earlier on.

This is one of the few times that I can't recall a convo word for word :P But hey, I was taken aback, ok!


You said something like...

"You're almost perfect; You're really cool to hang out with and great to talk to. I mean, sometimes I tease you and we crack jokes but you're always cool. Look, you have a gorgeous figure and an absolutely beautiful face. I know you feel inferior about yourself and probably don't believe me, but you are honestly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I'm serious!"
The above looks like a word for word quotation, but its not. I was just typing based on bits and pieces of what I think I remembered.


Hardly! Look at all the celebrities you've met! However, I'll take it you meant it as one of the most beautiful women with BOTH interior and exterior beauty, yea? Thank you, cutie.

I still can't hear you call me 'love' without flinching, but it makes me a lil deliriously happy whenever you blurt out in the middle of our chat, "You're sooo cute!" and then flash me that gorgeous smile of yours.


Just a little bit... Heh. :)



"If we are going to do this long distance thing, we should take videos and send each other once in awhile."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "LONG DISTANCE THING"?! Now you're causing my overactive mind to read into that too much. Grr!

Should I, would I?

I've gotten a list of affordable hotels to choose from, and the airlines I would want to take, all down pat. Barring all else, the round trip tickets + hotels + basic expenses/light shopping will costs me about $3500-$4000.

If my financing permits, then I would be getting a open return ticket instead :). I've always wanted to visit the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, after all.

All I need is to know if I would need to stay at a hotel, and also to conceive a concrete plan to save up that few thousand dollars for the trip(What with paying a few hundred dollars worth of installments every month, coupled with the new laptop that I would have to pay for next month. Oh, and I signed up for broadband, like FINALLY). The pesky subject of his availability to be in town should be confirmed by December.


Now, the problem is... Should I?

Lies versus Paranoia.

Author's note: Hey Nanda! I am honoured that my past posts actually made you cry for me... But don't worry, I don't think my depression's coming back anytime soon, thus, no more tears! :P


You're either a competent liar, or I'm being paranoid.

Everytime I force myself to let you go bit by bit, you come back into my life looking so fucking cute and making me laugh all the time. You make me think of getting a job in LA, settling down over there, and galloping into the sunset (boulevard?) with you.

Sigh.

Either ways, I've given up fighting this.


I'll be seeing you at the bitter end...


"Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing."

Oh shit.

Yan is here to stay over tonight, and as she read my magazine, I was chattering on...


Yan: "*Cuts me off midword* You've been talking about your King I. more than you mention D tonight."

Me: "... Shit."


There weren't supposed to be any emotional attachments. Now I realise I'm turning possessive.

*Frowns*


On another note, I was checking my MySpace account earlier on, and I looked around and landed on D's page. Ok, FINE, I went into his profile because he's still YET to add me. Apparently, he's gonna meet up this girl he worked with at Hilary Duff's concert last year, and catch up. Also, every comment that D left for her since early last year was peppered with 'Miss you terribly love!' and 'catch up soon!!"

Coincidentally, I recall D once telling me about this girl he almost hooked up with at HD's concert, but didn't because he was the music director and had to maintain the level of professionalism.

How nice. I think about how I used to squeal when he calls me love, and I turn green around the gills. My heart feels so god-damn heavy and I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up. Bloody sick and tired of feeling like a yo-yo.


Now excuse me while I go slash my wrists.

Say hi to my baby.

She's red, not orange by the way.


I named her Artemis. Big name for a noobie's guitar, but she gets extra credits for being the eldest of many more to come.

One day... One fine day, I will have a baby deem worthy to call Apollo. And hopefully more to name Nyx, Erebus, Chaos, Tartarus, Eros, Ares and Erinyes, etc.

The next baby to come should be Meliae, accoustic guitar. Though prolly not after I've saved up a significant amount for my US trip next year :)

P.S: Everytime I think I've reached the deadend with D - when I already feel my heart breaking into pieces, crunching like car wheels on a gravel road... He would emerge with an email or call like a knight in shining armor, and impact me once again.

I mean, I was actually going to end this post on a more depressing note when my MSN messenger popped up with a notifier that I've received an email from him. How unbelievable is that?

Ramblings, and then some again.

Yesterday was one of the few rare nights that I ventured into Clarke Quay alone, without knowing which of my friends might be there.

I'd only arranged to meet up with Dawg, but knowing that he'll be performing and such, I was fully prepared to be a lone ranger and leave within an hour of being in CQ.

Surprisingly, I've had the most fun I've had recently. I was with lovely friends who were wonderful company (Damien, Salman and Katherine), and I still manage to catch Ivory and Dawg perform in Arena.

I even had fun chatting with Dawg and his friend while smoking outside, before I went back in and Rukesh invited me to join him and his guests from SPH, and the singer from Bellini Grande. Total cutie by the way.

It was good. I wasn't sloshed, but had enough to just enjoy myself. And I did. For once, I was the centre of attention, and not a sidekick to the girlfriend of the guy who we're following around recently.

I chose where I wanna go, what I wanna do. And while I know that this probably won't happen again(having good company to party with all night long, and men falling all over your feet), it made me feel ALOT better after the crappy Friday I've had.

Also, I couldn't deny myself a lil smug satisfaction. I bumped into Leandra and her friend in Arena again, and we were on the dancefloor watching King I.'s set. They were drooling over him and muttered something about, "I would like an order of THAT!"

I smirked while they prattled on, and was on the verge of saying, "Sorry ladies, this HOT, fine specimen of a man is going back with ME tonight!"


Fortunately, I managed to bite my tongue.


3 weeks in a row. In point of fact, I now know more about King I. than I know D. I know bits about where King I. used to school at, bits of his family, bits of his work before he came to Asia, and what are his dreams and aspirations.

And what do I know of D? - What he's doing recently, who he used to play for, and how he was like in school. Yet D is the one who sets butterflies free in my stomach and ties my intestines up in knots whenever we chat.

ARGH. Dead ends on both Path A and Path B. I think I ought to scrape those two paths and procure my own walkway.

Bros before hos.

Bros before hos, look into it. It's not the first time, and I doubt it'll be the last.

I know you've been through some of my tough shiet with me, but think of the things I've done for you. Stop measuring everything Nigel-wise.

I always thought I will definitely be there for you when this thing you have with him goes down, or when your mum returns, whatever.


Now I'm not too sure.

Motley Crue in Singapore.

Author's note: Stupid fucking dumbass Ricky from Kumpufuckinlan strikes again. Our email correspondence:

Ricky: We have 8mm width rubber bands.
Me: I need 0.2cm width rubber bands instead, we don't need the 0.8cm thick ones. Do you have it?
Ricky: Width is 8mm.

DUMBASS! 8MM and 0.8CM; WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU FUCKING BRAINLESS PIECE OF SHIT.


Yes, can you believe it?! SINGAPORE, actually had Mötley Crüe stop by for a 1 night only concert. The only other Asia country they will be at, is fucking Japan.

They didn't stop at Malaysia, Philipines, or Taiwan whatever. Not even Australia, who is so near us.

Holy hell. It was one god-damn awesome concert that was worth every buck (ticket prices were around $125-$160), especially when I got to see it for free. And most importantly, not have to queue. Friends who know me, would also know that I LOVE heavy metal and rock music, especially those from the late 70's to 80's. (AC/DC, Megadeth, Pantera, Rob Zombie, Kid Rock, The Who, The Clash, Sex Pistols, etc)

Naturally, the concert was like Heaven to me.


Sigh. Yes. This is the result of a 3.2mega pixel Sony Ericsson phone taken about 200m away. Can't see shit. I miss my Viewty :(.


Thank you Nigel. :D First you let me meet Glenn Ong, then I met the musicians from the American Idol and Rockstar Supernova housebands, and now I got to see Mötley Crüe... OMG!!!

We had the free flow drinks going on for us, but it didn't take long for us to go crazy. The anticipation of seeing them and finally doing so, made us HIGH enough! Basically I went crazy when they played AC/DC's Hells Bells on the speakers to cover the sounds of their sound check. Lmao.


If you did not make it to the concert, well... TOO BAD.

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!

You've unfortunately missed out on the hottest bassist alive - Nikki Sixx, the seemingly harmless but charming vocalist - Vince Neil, Mick Mars whose guitar skills I respect almost as much as I worship Angus Young's, and Tommy Lee, the eternal bad boy who drives fans wild.




I mean, I'm talking about Mötley Crüe... Do I really need to explain further? I don't think so.

HELL YEAH!!!

Some men can just kiss my arse.

Okay, imagine this. In the beginning, you know a girl called Aizhen via WhoLivesNearYou.com. A few days later you receive a message on Facebook from a guy with no display picture, asking to be friends with you. As per usual, you ignore it.

One day, she introduced you to a guy, saying that he needs a model for his car's photoshoot. Thus you know the guy on 11th August 2008. You speak to him in MSN and he generously offered to loan you his laptop by arranging to meet on 12th August 2008. You exchange contacts and SMSes.

You two meet up for a couple of times, and you notice that the guy has an obvious liking towards you. You keep mum because you don't feel anything towards guy at all, but wish to still have him as a friend.

Guy asks you to be the model for his WRX which will be featured in Hot Stuff magazine. You agree. Guy informs dresscode of spaghetti/bikini top with skirt or shorts, and said that you would need to submit a photo for the editors to look through beforehand. You wavered. Eventually life caught up and you got too busy to do so, and conclude that you would skip this opportunity.

One day, as you messed about with guy's laptop, you realise the computer name was QuinSeng. It looks familiar and you realise its the same name as the account that Aizhen used to message you on WhoLivesNearYou. Composedly, you enquire with guy on the coincidence. Guy explained he loaned the account to the girl to use. By then, girl has stopped messaging you.

One day, guy starts rattling about his feelings to you, over in MSN. Before you get a word in, guy starts saying "I like you very much... *Hesitates* But I know you will never like me :) So its okay, hush. You don't have to say anything." *Rattles on and on.*

Conversation gets dominated of him making an ass out of u and me and you get pissed off. You chastise the guy, and guy gets frightened off. A week or so later, guy starts bugging for laptop back. You eventually backed up your stuff and complied.

3 days after retrieving his laptop, guy messages you on MSN and ask to be real friends as if he did not disappear off the face of the earth, only returning at times to bug for laptop. You consent, but asked guy to clear up some doubts, because you've come to realise that the anonymous person who asked to be friends on Facebook, was actually THE guy. HE MESSAGED YOU 4 DAYS BEFORE YOU SPOKE TO HIM, WHICH WAS AROUND THE SAME TIME THAT AIZHEN GOT YOUR MSN EMAIL.

Guy admits to sending the message, but INSISTS that he messaged you on the day he knew you, even though the message is still in your Facebook account. He later on claims that his Facebook's Sent Messages is emptied and he couldn't remember what he sent you.

Too many questions raised that were never really dealt with. Guy accuses you of shooting him like a criminal when guy was the one unable to give you any explanation. On suspicions that the Hot Stuff magazine shoot was a hoax (which is perfectly reasonable), you ask for the contacts of the editor/staff from Hot Stuff magazine, guy was only able to provide you with an GMAIL address.

Guy gets frustrated over not being able to answer your question, or even dare to admit to doing anything, and eventually tell you that he don't think you two can be friends and says he doesn't need your view.


YOU KNOW WHAT, MR BERNARD POON QUINSENG? I NO LONGER NEED AN EXPLANATION FROM YOU, YOU CREEP.

The law might say, "INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE", but your actions so far have deemed you as a creepy schizo/psychopath until proven innocent.

Screw you, Bernard. And not in the good way you would have wanted from me.



I'd much rather spend the time googling or daydreaming about D. Much better time spent than on the likes of YOU. ARGH.

Whew!

Celebrated our dear Miss Leck's birthday over the weekend. It was one crazy party, whew! Our birthday girl got smashing drunk before we even cut her cake at almost 10pm, LOL!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YAN!


Dear Yan leopard crawled, fell off chairs, zao geng, bite/hug/kick/kiss/smack people all over the place... Stepped on poor Ting's feet a few times and gave me a headbutt while I was wrestling with her hands... HAHAHA.

Still, it was a fun night. I got to see my dearies - Ni, Boon, Ting and Yan all together at one time ever since our last gathering at my place in April. Too bad we forgot to take a group pic. How can! *Feels bad*

Anyway, onto the topic of D, I knew I said I was going to swear off him for good, and that I'm done... But it wasn't my fault that he gave me a call in the middle of that night when I did not even know he was online! (Poor excuse, I know... :P)

Thanks to Yan's laptop, I DID manage to have a nice chat with D for AN HOUR again on Sunday morning (To which I slept at 6am and woke up at 9.20am, waiting) while I kicked Ting and Yan to the courtyard to give me some privacy while doing so. Have I told you I love my best friends? Hehehe...

I've became more or less of a hermit ever since I knew D. Always 'camping' out at home by 9pm (Or frankly, once I knock off from work) and waking up by noon on weekends no matter what time I fell asleep the night or morning prior. While I admit I'm addicted to D, I am also willing to compromise now. I DO know from Day One that it's all for a lost cause, after all.

I'll admit that I'm half in love with him already, but it shall always be "bros before hos", okay? Just wanted to let my friends know that I still love you guys, and I will try to go back to class from now on. :)

Anyway, managed to catch 2 movies recently after my 'movie drought' of a month plus.



Caught this movie with my dear Ting, Yan and Emily. We absolutely LOVED The House Bunny! Hilarious with classic quotes I won't be forgetting for awhile. "I never knew steam was so HOT!" The transformation of the girls also got my eyes nearly popping out of their sockets O_O. I actually cried at one Oliver scene because somehow, he reminded me of D. *sigh*


Donnie Yen~~~

Painted Skin was not what I expected. It being the only movie with suitable time slot for Ting, Yan and I to watch before we check out of Park Hotel, I was at first reluctant and almost veto-ed it, but my discretions soon disappeared when I saw Donnie Yen on the credit roll at the beginning. ("v")

It wasn't a horror movie as I'd originally thought too. It's just a love story with a demon theme... Wanted Zhao Wei to end up with Donnie SO SO much, so I was kinda disappointed in the end. Hated the General for actually falling in love with the vixen but was pacified when he made the right choice in the end.

Am glad I managed to catch 2 good shows instead of crappy ones in my limited free time, and with my dear girls while at it.


I'm probably paranoid for thinking so, but I felt ostracized ever since I'd stopped going to class since mid July. Whenever I do go to class or class events, mummy's(Note: the mummy I'm talking about its not my real mother, lah) “full-time” seem to have monopolised most of her time and they seem so close that I felt like I'd lost my spot in her life... It felt that way at our Taiwan trip when we were sharing our learnings and thoughts when mummy thanked her for being there and Amanda and I weren't around, and she named all the people who she wants to see succeed alongside with her... Everyone but my name. 从那时起，心里的结已开始酝酿着，我开始把他们锁在我心外。。。


我知道这样说，是等于不够气量，我也好讨厌自己会有那么自私的想法，但我的确是有这种感觉啊。。。我也想好好努力，让我的上线们能够以我为荣；让我可以成为老师的作品，而不是继续做老师的作业，但我还需要多一点点的关心。。。



真正了解我的知心好友，会了解我多么地害怕孤单寂寞。



我也好想好想成功；与组织里的朋友们顶峰相见的欲望还是好强好强，但这近半年来的孤独感已笼罩了我。。。我一个人，走不出来。Therefore, I can't really explain how happy it made me when I was amongst my secondary school friends on Yan's birthday... 真的好开心我还是有朋友的。重新发展自己的事业的那份欲望，又回来了。 :)

放心啦，心里的结已经打开了，我还是很爱我的朋友的，ｏｋ！


好啦，我也不想再谈这些有的没的；情绪是很重要的！Emo 只会让我体内的毒素增加，我才不要勒。。。我要美美和健健康康地过我的每一天 :)

TGIF... But why? :(

Why oh why, when I'd admirably and defiantly forced myself to stay out till past midnight yesterday, did you decide to give me a call at 2am?

I took a baby step forward to giving up and you practically shove me back into this... Whatever this is.


Not fair~~~ :(

Am I losing you already? Big girls don't cry... Don't cry...

3rd day and I'm still out. Zzz. Hate that I throw up the moment I wake up. NO, I'm NOT pregnant. Just down with some muthafu*king serious stomach flu.


For the last couple of days while I rested at home, I've noticed too many issues that will raise too many questions I don't really feel like asking him anymore. (Adding all others but me on MySpace, only 2 Skype contacts on the account he uses to chat with me - Not very probable, even I have 15 contacts when I've never really used it, so on and so forth.)


I know I said I was going to fight for it, for YOU, D, but I can feel that I'm losing you already.

Even though it is tearing me apart doing so, I give up. Officially.


I'm done.


Gawd I feel like throwing up. Is it because of my illness or because of him? I'm thinking this time, it's the latter.


For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In complement extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.


Come sing along with me...

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny nonny.

Brief account of the last week.

I'm feeling SO demoralised right now... Because I've been sick like a dog for the last 2 days and I thought, hey, maybe I'll get to spend more time chatting with D on Skype but nooo... He's not been online. Only got a 4 minutes' chat with him when he was at his studio, evening time. Whatever happened to the calls when he wakes up at home? I'm starting to come out of this love-induced haze and realising that I prolly never meant much to him at all. *Glooms*


Well, I've lost my HP, as stated in my previous post, so do SMS me if you happened to have given me your number within the last 3 months, as I still have my old phone that I'm using now which is updated till early July.

To keep it brief, I lost my lovely LG Viewty on Friday (Sat morning to be precise) when the batt went dead but being dumb as I was (and a lil sloshed) I brought it along with me when I exited Yue via Lunar to go to Arena to find Mr. I.

I slipped on the spiral staircase in my boots, and my right hand, which was holding the phone, went instinctively to the railing for support, but it only bumped the phone out of my grasp, and either:

a) Clattered down the staircase to the crowded floor infront of me, or
b) went over the railing and my BLACK phone dropped into a pile of BLACK straws.

Anyway, got myself a scrapped knee and some bruises while searching on all fours but I still couldn't find it. Thus, the latest 200+ pictures from my Taipei trip and my birthday celebration were gone gone gone...

Life feels oddly helpless and empty when you are without your phone/digicam/mp3 player all in one.


I did get an one hour long Skype chat with D on Sat morning, but that's all I've really heard of him since then. Guess he's just crazy busy at work like he said. I suppose I can make do by YouTubing and Googling videos that he might be in...

Anyway, King I. was damn hot in his set last Sat night at Arena. *Fans herself* I even got pulled up the stage to dance with him for abit! It was so awkward because I couldn't bend my scrapped knee and I was SO embarrassed lol... But it was fun. He even rapped to me 2 versions of a song he wrote(Not on stage; afterwards lah), so it's all good :)

Am off for Dolly laoshi's bday celebration @ her place now. Will update this entry later regarding my Taipei trip. TTFN!


I miss him...

The aftermath.

Thank you guys, I've had a wonderful and successful goth punk birthday celebration, lost HP and tie notwithstanding.


Also not forgetting the celebration next night with my dearest bunch of friends
that I've made online. <3

What you guys got for me was seriously one of the most thoughtful gift I've ever received. Thank you guys so much! *HUGS*

Happy Birthday.

Goth punk theme birthday party at Arena tonight, see ya there!


The goth punk top that I'd left in Taiwan accidentally, is finally here! There is hope left for me yet, I'll just have to go collect it from Singpost Centre. Thank you Stella!

I've received numerous happy birthday wishes over sms, msn, and skype last night, and some calls today. Thank you, I'm really glad you guys care enough to send wishes :)


I'm actually getting used to receiving video calls from you at 10-11ish every night, and sometimes in the morning if I'm still around. Did you realise that? I also can't help blushing like a teenage girl everytime I see and talk to you in the chat.

I've finally borrowed a webcam from my colleague to chat with you last night. The smile you had on your face was so irresistable that I couldn't stop a responding grin forming on my lips.

The words "What? Look at you, you're gorgeous!" "*Chuckles* You're so cute." and the reciprocated finger wagging that we had fun about, have been resounding and replaying in my head all day. I get the best feeling in the world when you say "Hi, love." or even just smile, because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind for you to make that video call to me. I know you have a glib tongue that'd probably made alot of girls happy (Okay, that came out a lil wrong...) but God help me, I've sunken too deep by now.


I would not name this emotion, this feeling. I refuse to. Until the day you disappear from my life and break my heart... Until then...


“The mark of a true crush is that you fall in love first and grope for reasons afterward." - Shana Alexander

"It's funny how big of an impact you have on me. It's like when I see you, you don't even have to speak...all you can do is smile, and it can make my day, and then that's how I remember my reasons for loving you."


P.S: I've celebrated a few colleagues' birthdays in the office so far, therefore I was shocked and frankly, dismayed that they didn't think to celebrate my birthday and had only remembered to wish me happy birthday when I invited a few of the ladies to my party tonight. Guess I'm just a lowly staff not worth the time. At least I got hugs and wishes from some better friends in the office.

23.

Hey guys... Yup, I'm back from Taipei.


23... It's the number that tells me that I'm not longer a 'youngster'. 21 is a youngster, 22 was pushing it, but upon reaching 23...

Sigh.

So much has happened in this past year for me. Right now, I'm serenely camped out infront of the laptop, listening to some music, enjoying my bottle of ice cold Hoegaarden and simple dinner, while waiting for the hours to countdown till I hit 23 years old.

It's nothing to write home about, but it could have been worse.


Happy Birthday, to me.