当我在强迫自己放弃，死心的时候，发现心里还有一盏灭不掉的灯，我不知该如何是好。。。



那算是一件好事， 还是一条死路? 就是心中的那一盏灯，和我天生的“执著”， 使得我对爱，对男人那么地浑然失措。


到现在，还不清楚是“看破”好，还是“迷惘”天真些。



29/06/2007, 20:20.

---

昨晚，我看到了不该看的东西。I saw something I shouldn't have saw last night.

不。其实不是不该看，而是不想看。No. It wasn't technically something I shouldn't have seen, just something I should have prepared myself for.

It was like those movie scenes whereby you walk up into a club and practically walked rightsmack into him while he's chatting up another girl, then he does the shifty-eyes-looking-everywhere-but-at-you trick. Looking past you when he inevitably has to greet you.

I still didn't think that was necessary... Men. Thus I got silly and drunk and made a fool outta myself.

I won't lie and say that I'm ok; I'm all torn up into shreds now and it hurts so bloody fucking much that everything in life has lost its favour and colours to me. That is why I go out every night to drink and numb my pain.


But now, instead of having to constantly wonder, I finally know... And my heart now has another hard layer of protection around it.


It would take more than being a gentleman, having a quirky English sense of humour, homemade breakfast and dinners and mindblowing sex, the ability to make me a contented woman or the ability to make me believe that I am too much of a woman for men to handle, to make me fall in love that easily again.




Rod: "Do you trust me? I don't mean it like, you know, but as a friend. Do you trust me?"


Me: "Yes, I do."




Now I understand why he'd phrased it like that.



我行的. 请相信我. 我只需要多一点时间... I'll be okay =)

In memories of Chris Benoit.

"Wrestling has consumed my life. Wrestling is my mistress. It's my passion. It defines who I am as a person."

May 21, 1967 to June 24, 2007.


May the 2 good friends find their peace together.


RIP Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero.

Too much pain... maybe its time to leave everything behind...

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)


I recall that recently, I'd told Jasmine to find 'herself' again and just be.

I now realise that it's probably a load of bullshit.

I've always disillusioned myself with the probability that I may get a real fighting chance with a guy, or I'll one day get to be with a man who appreciates me and whom I love.

Complete bollocks.

If you scratch below the surface of Jennifer Lim, you'll find the apathetic, clingy, soft-hearted girl-woman who simply loves too much and too deep, and has no self-respect and confidence.

After Rod asked who is the real me, I wasn't sure who is the real Jennifer, but I know for sure that she is a had-been. Now, she's just too tainted, too jaded, too much hard work for anyone to try to care about.

She wants to try to open up, to let go, but she just can't try hard enough. Too tired to. I'm not worth anybody's effort. This much I'm honest with myself.

I mean, I'm a wreck job. I have no confidence; People will try to build it up and give me other perspectives of myself that I'd failed to look at, but I'm not built to look beyond, to hold a man's love or liking, or just be a person who isn't constantly giving others a headache.

I haven't been a fun person to be around these last couple of years; I can sit amidst dozens of people or even among the hundreds in MOS, yet I'll be there, quiet, meek, staring off into space while sipping on my drink.

Squeezing out a brief smile when someone tries to strike up a conversation. Laugh and joke with a friend, sliding on a mask.

I go out every single day after work, alone most of the time, to sit at my friend's pub and have a couple of drinks. Never drunk, but high enough to forget my sorrows for the rest of the night.

My only comfort? Love. I take chances, plow head-on, but always return bruised and battered.

How can I be so stupid to let something of 2 months hurt me so much already? I can't believe I sinked so fast... And that I have never learnt to be smarter.

Christ... I hate myself so much that I don't want to be me anymore. If my life was a movie, people would be scoffing by the 2nd Act.


How can I make it go away? Why do I always fall in love with the wrong man?


"I was just about to tell you...
That I love him... I do.
I love him, I love him! And I don't care what you think.
I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is.
I love him, I love him... I love him."




When will I learn?



Too much pain... Maybe its time to leave everything behind and just go away...

还是算了吧... I give up...

Can someone sing 蔡依林 - 我知道你很難過 to me EVERYDAY until I believe in the lyrics? ;.)

我知道你很難過
愛一個人　需要緣份
你何苦讓自己　越陷越深
別傻得用你的天真
去碰觸不安的靈魂
每一天只能痴痴的等

愛一個人　別太認真
你受傷的眼神　令人心疼
沒有一個人　非要另一個人
才能過一生　你又何苦逼自己
面對傷痕

我知道你很難過
感情的付出不是真心就會有結果
別問怎麼做　愛才能長久
這道理有一天你會懂

我知道你很難過
昨天是戀人今天說分手就分手
別問你的痛　要怎麼解脫
多情的人註定　傷得比較久

愛若變成了刺　思念也成了痴
也許心碎是愛情最美的樣子

Photo entry.

I used to include alot of pictures and photographs to add spices and vividity into my entries, but I'd realised my blog is just full of boring words now lol.

Therefore, this nonsensical entry will be dedicated to pictures, and random pictures only :) Enjoy!


Picture taken off Aimee's LJ ;)


Taken off Mahel's blog :)


The 'Elder Lims'... Mother's Day at Turf City :)


Wedding dinner at Swissotel.


Ahh. Must be Friday. Or was it Wednesday?


Tang's birthday cake from Shangri La, courtesy of Will. Yum!


We like hiding behind Will, heh. And yes, I was a little drunk, shut up! =\


I need to lose some more weight.


Michelle's 21st :) I WANNA BE YOUNG AGAIN!


三“墨“客。。。


Dinner at Bangkok. Missing... Who? What? Where? I don't know...

I'm not about to delve into the Bangkok folder yet since it's not sorted out, so I better be off for lunch now that I've spend about 1 1/2 hours on this entry. LOL.


See you at Bar Celona and Clarke Quay tonight... :)



Ok lah... It's the PIE towards Jurong. I do not own the above quote anyway; it's so overused.

I've gained weight again!

After managing to lose weight unwittingly at Bangkok, I'd managed to keep my weight on a slow decline but I'm gaining them all back because of Sweets. :(



瘦身会是件好事吗？它可能对我的自信和健康有助，但是，长远下来，要是我真的瘦了，变美了，我的身边即将会有更多的男人回绕着，我会喜欢那些注目吗？

现在的我也已经被那些有的没的男人像苍蝇一样的环绕着，弄得我好累。

他。。。 虽然一开始我就知道不会有结果，也不能让我向往什么未来，久而久之，下场也只是自讨苦吃。 但， 我想我就是那么傻吧。 反正感情这种东西， 由天由命，不由人。

想爱，又不敢爱，想放，却已不舍得放，但是我真的觉得，已好久没有这么单纯的自在和快乐了。。。

Stay the same.

(MmmHmm Ohhh)

(Mmmmm)



You should know by now

That love is not the same

I have what you chuck

to cover your mistakes

I don't care about

What all the people say

but it's down to me i know my mind

and i will find my way



And i don't regret the time we spent

and my time with you

It was not in vain



[Chorus]

And i wonder why

and where it all went wrong

and how you lost your hope

your the reason that i'm gone

and i wonder how

how you came to change

and why you lost your way

but i still stay the same

still the same



(Mmmmm)



Always spent my life

always trying to please you

but time had come for change

that's when i realised that I really did need you

and i knew with it you could take the blame



And i don't regret the time we spent

and my time with you

It was not in vain

I've lost my phone.

I've lost my K800i last Sunday. And before you ask, I'd lost it at a minimart inside Pacific Mansion. Left it on a rack when I was getting my change, and that was the last I saw of it.

Therefore, if you have gave me your number within the last 3 months, bets are I've lost it. Please just sms me and tell me who you are so I can save it.


Right then, I should toddle off to work. Life has done me in for abit recently; it's not just the handphone issue that has been upsetting me.

Generally? Half the time now I'm driven to drink and chainsmoke and I feel depressed as hell even though I got a pretty good appraisal yesterday.

Everything and everyone is driving me bat-shit crazy so I would appreciate if you lot just try to make it easier for me, ok? I don't expect anyone to lend me a listening ear; I just need to party and drink.



I've been too addicted to Sweets... And now I'm suffering from the backlash. Why haven't I learnt?