Too much pain... maybe its time to leave everything behind...

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)


I recall that recently, I'd told Jasmine to find 'herself' again and just be.

I now realise that it's probably a load of bullshit.

I've always disillusioned myself with the probability that I may get a real fighting chance with a guy, or I'll one day get to be with a man who appreciates me and whom I love.

Complete bollocks.

If you scratch below the surface of Jennifer Lim, you'll find the apathetic, clingy, soft-hearted girl-woman who simply loves too much and too deep, and has no self-respect and confidence.

After Rod asked who is the real me, I wasn't sure who is the real Jennifer, but I know for sure that she is a had-been. Now, she's just too tainted, too jaded, too much hard work for anyone to try to care about.

She wants to try to open up, to let go, but she just can't try hard enough. Too tired to. I'm not worth anybody's effort. This much I'm honest with myself.

I mean, I'm a wreck job. I have no confidence; People will try to build it up and give me other perspectives of myself that I'd failed to look at, but I'm not built to look beyond, to hold a man's love or liking, or just be a person who isn't constantly giving others a headache.

I haven't been a fun person to be around these last couple of years; I can sit amidst dozens of people or even among the hundreds in MOS, yet I'll be there, quiet, meek, staring off into space while sipping on my drink.

Squeezing out a brief smile when someone tries to strike up a conversation. Laugh and joke with a friend, sliding on a mask.

I go out every single day after work, alone most of the time, to sit at my friend's pub and have a couple of drinks. Never drunk, but high enough to forget my sorrows for the rest of the night.

My only comfort? Love. I take chances, plow head-on, but always return bruised and battered.

How can I be so stupid to let something of 2 months hurt me so much already? I can't believe I sinked so fast... And that I have never learnt to be smarter.

Christ... I hate myself so much that I don't want to be me anymore. If my life was a movie, people would be scoffing by the 2nd Act.


How can I make it go away? Why do I always fall in love with the wrong man?


"I was just about to tell you...
That I love him... I do.
I love him, I love him! And I don't care what you think.
I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is.
I love him, I love him... I love him."




When will I learn?



Too much pain... Maybe its time to leave everything behind and just go away...