Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Mementos of 2012.



08 January 2013.

At 12 midnight, my hand drifted towards my well-worn notepad and brimming pen stand on my right, and began to write.

It came as a bit of a bafflement to me that I have only counted down to 2013 at Steve & Ann's 7 days ago. It felt like weeks. I guess time flies when you're having fun, but drops dead from the sky when you're doing the entire opposite.

in 2012, I witnessed a few events. 2 of my closest friends getting engaged to be married in May and September this year, - Which reminds me, I have to start jogging tomorrow - the unification of surprising pairings and breakups of some of the greatest loves I have ever seen.

I have also experienced the excruciating pains of losing a dear friend, Mark, which made me deeply appreciate my family and friends. Well, at least for a week or 2 before I ultimately returned to wanting to strangle some of them to death or some sort. Some sort... Sort of.

I kid. I love em :)

Then came the homo sapiens of the X chromosome. In early 2012, I dabbled in a budding relationship for a couple of months after a span/self-imposed drought of 5 years. Naturally, it crashed and burned. I subsequently trampled the hearts of a few men attributed in part to my resolution of 2012- To do what makes me happy.

Not to worry though; while living the cliche of "good girls like bad boys", I got my retribution handed to me by falling in love with a good boy from the wrong timezone. I have then repaid my debts in full by tossing and turning in bed for months, tormented by false hopes, waiting on the sidelines like a famished vulture perched in wait for that malnurished coyote that just would.not.die.

That and the 8kgs I have gained since fracturing my ankle in June. So yes, my debts are paid in full.

In 2012, I have met a few bad men and a lot of good women, moved on from a job of 2 years which I'd both loved and hated, did a short stint at a friend's company, before returning to do what Jennifer Lim simply does best- Laze around the house trying to put to paper the inner ramblings of her mind, while immersing in the illusion that she is a starving wannabe writer. The weighing scale shattered that illusion to a million pieces.

Anyway. I've recently stumbled upon my dusty manuscript, 2 chapters worth of crumbling pages absconded in a makeup trunk. Blowing the dust off, I sneezed as I reached with the other hand for my first and only fanfiction, 4 pages worth of uncompleted storyline hidden behind a couple of James Marsters busts.

As I stared at them, I began to realised that, my life, such as these papers in my hand, could be very easily summarised- Incomplete, unsuccessful.

On more than a few occasions, I have been showered with praises in regards to my "talent" with languages, whether it was to compose them, understand them, or even mutilate quite a few accents. I had always reciprocated with an accepting smile and a bashful thank you, mostly to avoid the unnecessary trouble of explaining how undeserving I am of them- I have tried explaining to people that I might be smart but not that smart, since I have nothing to show for it, ad nauseam.

SO done repeating, thank you very much.

Some days I will wake up in bed stifling a gasp of fear, clutching my pillows, tucking my body into a ball and tried hopelessly to drown out the heavy banging on my door and the screening voice of Life telling me to "wake up my fucking idea" - Oh wait, that's just my mum.

I do sometimes spent many a sleepless night pondering the atrocity of my life; 28 27 years, 3 months, 5 days, and nothing to show for it. Those days, I would react to all questions and conversations in a decidedly acrimonious manner and with eyes glazed over. So sue me.

Nonetheless, I have more or less accomplished my 2012 resolution(read: paragraph 5), so I am ready to leave my somewhat self-indulgent lifestyle on the backburner(what, you think I was going to give it all up? You cray cray) and attempt to make something of this dream I have always brought up sanctimoniously.

It is with a fevered wish that I hope all my friends have stifled tears, bawled loudly, laughed madly, cursed occasionally, made mistakes, learnt, and loved deeply in 2012- Because I have.

Despite the lack of any lasting continuity, I do not regret a single thing I have done last year. Mistakes made in the past are dead. I always like to use the sentence, "You've made your bed. Now lie in it."  The only thing to regret, is what might have been if you do not try. I do not aspire to be Shakespeare or Dostoyevsky, but one can hope to lead the very titillating, albeit very short, life of talented Lord John Wilmot, sans the venereal diseases.

May all of you find something in 2013 to live for. After all, we have survived 6 raptures and 1 doomsday. Celebrate life and make something of it just in case the next prediction actually comes true! For now, I am going to pick up my pen, and write.

Love,
Jenx


After Death nothing is, and nothing, death,
The utmost limit of a gasp of breath.
Let the ambitious zealot lay aside
His hopes of heaven, whose faith is but his pride;
Let slavish souls lay by their fear
Nor be concerned which way nor where
After this life they shall be hurled.
Dead, we become the lumber of the world,
And to that mass of matter shall be swept
Where things destroyed with things unborn are kept.
Devouring time swallows us whole.
Impartial death confounds body and soul.
For Hell and the foul fiend that rules
God's everlasting fiery jails
(Devised by rogues, dreaded by fools),
With his grim, grisly dog that keeps the door,
Are senseless stories, idle tales,
Dreams, whimseys, and no more.

― John Wilmot

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess


I have to listen to songs on my iPhone on my way to work, or the rides would feel tedious and unbearably ‘loud’ for the mere 20minutes’ commute.


As I shuffled through my recent favourites, like “Let Me Out” by Ben’s Brother, “Hey Hey” by Dennis Ferrer, “We Speak No Americano” by Yolanda Be Cool, “Secrets” by OneRepublic, and “Make You Feel My Love” plus “Melt My Heart To Stone” by Adele etc, I realized that these songs were on constant loop because some of them were the “song of my life”, at some point of time in my life. THE song that expressed exactly what I was going through.

Which was practically all of the above besides WSNA, which is just my tune of the month.

When I hear “Daddy DJ”, it brings me back to 1999 when I was casting Deo Saighead and Mor Dion in Chaos in SGDA on my 56K dialup modem, where my mum purposely disrupted by constantly calling home. One Way Or The Other by Blondie, the quiet afternoons I have with my little nieces watching cartoons(Angelica was singing a variation of it on one episode of Rugrats). Deep Sprit – Lonely (DJ Lhasa remix), when my ex and I broke up.

Rob Zombie, Pantera and AC/DC music, back when I lived and breathed hard rock and heavy metal(still one, but not as intense anymore). Tiesto and Darude’s music? Back when my life derailed for a while and I relived my disco pill-popping days.

Emofied acoustics, live hard die fast ‘commercial’ music, hard rock and heavy metal music with lyrics that don’t make sense, even the occasional happy chirpy songs that ain’t my usual cuppa tea. I love my quirky life tracks throughout the past decade and more.

What is YOUR song?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Back from Shanghai...

... With a vengeance stomach virus.

6 in the company, with a dash of drama and a lot of drinking and eating.

2010 is a year quite filled with trips on my calendar.



I love it ;)

Monday, June 28, 2010

这两个月,还以为过得蛮开心的;即使没了工作,至少还有你的陪伴。

我知道我们不是男女朋友,而虽然在此刻我们两的 ‘成人世界’ 里只有对方,我们往后依旧什么也不会是,更何况,我也发现我已渐渐单单变成你的卸闷工具。况且,我也发现一个铁定的事实 - 你最近对另一个女生感兴趣 - 哈, 可能是我对你太好了吧。

人都是对未钓到的鱼儿较感兴趣。

也可能是我自攀清高,以为我足够满足你,就算只是应你而求只当一个特殊 ‘朋友’,但我对你的日久生情开始萌现,让你无法呼吸。

我真的不知道。

但我真的受伤了。。。 我为你付出的一切根本一点也不值得。我有时纳闷是不是我自己的错,但我 ‘要求’ 的从来并不多(其实想想,我有要求过什么吗?)现在的情况怎么也不只是单单我一手造成的。

今天看着你坐在她的旁边,心好痛。早上只有我们两人世界,下午却又什么都不是,我的心荷负不来。

是我真的开始太喜欢你,还是因为太寂寞了,变成对你产生依赖?我不知道,但我很累了。真的不行了。

我要找回自我,不想再为你伤心了。不想再裸露我对你的情感。累了。放弃了。我很想很想就此退出,从新做一个真真正正的,普通朋友

Lord, please grant me strength.

Monday, April 26, 2010

*Hiss*

"Good mor-------" *Sounds of air hissing, a throat-clearing cough, and more hissing*

I'm surprised the callers to my phone at work today have thusfar managed to decipher my Parseltongue, despite the fact that I got sniggered at by one of them.

*Hiss hiss hiss* Oh, I feel so sexy.


---



Yep, I decided to pop by and wipe some virtual spiderwebs off this site since I have temporarily lost one of two manners of communication.

I have started a new position earlier this month, and its located at SGX Centre. So far, the location and environment and salary are nothing I will complain about :) Alas, nothing is perfect; They do not have enough headcounts at the moment, so I am lacking in some of the benefits.

Well, I'm sure all things work out in the end, so I'll just see how this goes.

So anyway, work aside, my social life has been rather status quo for the past few months, and I'm not sure why I'm not particular urgent about changing that, seeing that the number of guys I had gone out with during the last 3 years has been pathetically scarce, but I am.

I suppose it is because the disappearance of Strawberry since February had not only hurt a little, but also hit a sore spot - He was just like R, who started having doubts, and latched on to the out that I softheartedly present to them, and then disappeared without a trace.


It had hurt because... I thought they respected me.


Turns out, I'm just wrong as usual.


But I'm... me. And me being me, I've shrugged that off with a "Shit happens" and I'm now looking forward to the next encounter with a fiesty grin on my face.


Welcome... to JenxGeR's Most Excellent Adventures.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

有时候,很难逼自己笑而带之。

难道我也得跟现社会一样肤浅,一样盲目的恭敬吗?

为什么身边的人都似乎以利益来衡量一切? 我已没有利益价值了吗?

我知道我能给的并不多,也可能我的毛病就是想太多,太注重回报,太小气,但最近,觉得自己很渺小。


庆幸的是,我绝对相信我有一天会找到自己所寻找的pinnacle of happiness and peace. :))

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I often get vivid dreams that I remember after waking up, but some of them gradually fade away, so I thought I should write this down.

So I thought I went to Sin Nee's place to visit, where she was sharing it with her boyfriend, who suggested I borrow from this loan shark he knows, if I wanted to get that something I needed. I was mulling over it as I went to the carpark, said goodbye to Ni, who apparently was my niece/cousin in this dream, passed by a guy who parked his Harley, while I picked up my bike, and drove it smoothly on the overhead bridge, to get to the bus stop across the road.

I'd 'bought' the bike like I bought my electric guitar in real life; I bought it before I knew how to ride it, but amazingly, I rode it like an expert that day. I even went on facebook on my phone to tell Lavinia that I finally did it(IRL we went to Bali last month, and we rented a scooter bike thing which I almost crashed), but she told me adamantly that I DON'T have a bike. I then went to 'find' the picture I've posted onto her page and showed it to her.

Just when I decided that I should ride home and skip the public transport instead(ended up at the bus stop as a force of habit), which was why I bought the bike in the first place, my bus came and I thought, 'Mehh, I'll just take it, bike and all," but again, out of habit, I must have left the bike on the bus/at the bus stop because when I got home, laid on the bed, and decided to take another picture of my lovely bike with flames emblazoned on the bike fender, I realised that my bike was not with me.

I woke up when I was panicky and trying to get SMRT's number online.

Lol. If I get this kind of dream when I went to sleep sober, I can't wait to recall the dreams I have when I went to bed drunk. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me to just risk it and do what I want in life. Or simply get a bike that I have always kind of wanted.

Soo anyway, I admit that I have not been updating in ages. Quite a few significant things happened; I have officially tendered at BTSC, am off this whole week, and will be working there still next week, at an 'ala carte service' basis, since I have not found anything else, and they desperately need someone. I can feel the first tendrils of panic creeping over me due to my unemployment, but not yet.

Soon, though.

Anyway, Strawberry and I have stopped contacting. We met up once in late January after I got back from HK/Macau(with Yan) and then straight-after, Bintan with my girlfriends. What happened that evening had led to my previous post, because that was what he said to me, and apparently, he's serious this time. We barely exchanged 2 texts after that day, and we've basically stopped all communications since early February.

While I'm sad it has finally happened, it HAS to happen one day, innit? What surprised me was that it barely hurt or registered; I guess I have been preparing myself for this day so well, that I took it in stride when I realised that Strawberry is not contacting me anymore.

Or maybe I have become so jaded, the strong feelings I had for him have long faded when things got shaky last year and I was still trying to hold on. *Humourless snort of laughter*

Still kinda miss him, though. After all, we were in constant contact for a good 4 months out of the 8 months that we have known each other. Literal constant contact - His text would be the first thing I see in the morning, and we would text each other the entire day until his bedtime. Of course, that ended after a month or so as he was concentrating on me way too much, and I him, but it was nice.

Actually, the past few months were great, in a way, so while I am sad to see it end, it does deserve a formal farewell.

Goodbye Strawberry, goodbye 'Old man'. Ta. :)


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.



Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Guilt.

guilt  /gɪlt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gilt] Show IPA
–noun 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.


Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that they have violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.

Catholic Guilt

Catholic guilt is the term used to identify the supposed excess guilt felt by Catholics and lapsed Catholics. The term Catholic Guilt is controversial as it is not clearly differentiated from the guilt felt by members of other religions or moral codes.

Living in sin, with sin, by sin, for sin, every hour, every day, year in, year out. Waking up with sin in the morning, seeing the curtains drawn on sin, bathing it, dressing it, clipping diamonds to it, feeding it, showing it round, giving it a good time, putting it to sleep at night with a tablet of Dial if it's fretful. Always the same, like an idiot child carefully nursed, guarded from the world.

But sometimes, on a defiant day, I would tell myself, "Never regret anything because it was what we wanted. What we want. Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."


In ipsa dubitatione facinus inest, etiamsi ad id non pervenerint.
Guilt is present in the very hesitation, even though the deed be not committed.



Has it been 8 months, already?


While I know I often preach, "No apologies, no regrets", and that I said once that I've stopped listening to my conscience, it IS there. Nagging, tugging at me. Every recollection of you is bittersweet because it is tinged with the burden of guilt. But I must admit, there was also the pleasure, the joy, the excitement.

I am smart, but not too intelligent. I'm courageous, but not too brave. Not brave or intelligent enough to know what to do.


What about you? Do you?

Friday, November 20, 2009

I DON'T believe it!

The second last time I lost my wallet, it was over 3 years ago, and amazingly enough, a construction worker was the one who picked it up, and he returned it personally to my home.

The last time I lost my BAG, it was last Saturday night, at a house party for a friend of a friend's birthday party. Someone went through our bags and picked mine.

With that in mind, who woulda thought I have any chance of retrieving it, when it was obviously not a spur of the moment thing but with that purpose in mind?

Then I had to drop my phone the other day and the LCD screen is now shot. All in all, with the stress from my new workplace(yes, I'm working for R right now), I thought I've had a really, really suay month, but NO, it's actually not that bad, after all!

SOMEONE MAILED MY BAG BACK TO ME!!! WITH ALL INTACT, BUT THE CASH! I'm flabbergasted. Speechless. And totally overjoyed.

Finally there's somebody up there who took pity on me and realise I've had a shitty enough life.


Thank you.  <3

Friday, November 13, 2009

Who was I kidding?

Who was I kidding when I said I could work for R? That everything would be fine?

It was never much, us 'together', but I guess I never got over the hurt. I'm done with the fact that I was unceremoniously dumped being thrown in my face daily.

Not when I still have a soft spot for him.

Not when he ultimately married that woman. Not when it took him a year to apologise for what he'd done. Not when he promised me... Promised that......

Just not.


I can't do this anymore. Not with R, not with Strawberry. I'm just... Done.

I'm done.

Friday, October 30, 2009

No more.

No more handouts, no more little bread crumbs.

I have already given up trying to maintain our 'arrangement' the day you said 'we'll see'.

Now the ball's in your court to see if you want to at least remain as friends who keep in contact, as I did seem to recall a time of humourous, innocent chats.

Move along now people, time's up, show's over, zip up your fly.


Till next time. ;)
Jenx

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dang.

Author's note: Sounds like this guy wants to bomb the Club full of caucasians... Not that I'm racist and think that Arabs are associated with the terrorists or like to fornicate with their camels, definitely not, but... It's creepy nonetheless.

---

Hi there,

I would like to put my three children to join your highly beautiful and moral club. Why I say high moral is that the atmosphere is very good because of no gambling of bets. If I have heard earlier of this club I would put my children almost immeadiately. I want the children to practice everyday especially my son who has just finished his exams and not attending school. He is 12 years old.I would pay any amount in order for them to attend classes everyday, mainly because of the good environment and I want them to be the best.

I notice in your website that there are alot of Caucasian. Why don't the club inject more other races to come. I am an Arab Singaporean so it is good to have other races in this club. All of us are one, our father is Adam. Is good to intermingle with other races inorder to respect and know each other cultures and religion and be a better person in everything.

Please get back to me as soon as possible as I don't want to waste anytime.Thank You.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

End Times.

The pitch dark galaxy had no stars nor moon to illuminate the sky tonight. Only fire. Fire and twirling red lights from abandoned police cars.

A willowy woman in a tattered red sundress stood slightly crouched as she gazed sightlessly from her perch on the rooftop of your average suburban house. She murmured to herself constantly, as if chanting a prayer.

A tile shifted slightly behind her, indicating presence. She did not move. The words drifted in the wind, caressing her, almost inaudible in the blaring sirens. Was that her voice, or someone else's? Not that the woman cared. The words soothed her.

The presence got closer. The burning torch in the woman's left hand trembled slightly, but it remained in her grasp. She remained unmoving, eyes trained frontwards willfully. "Lillith," The voice purred into her left ear, encompassing her, ruffling her raven hair. "Lillith..."

"My... name is Elizabeth Peterson, and I am a... copywriter from, from Maryland," Beth choked out her recitation as an icy hand clasped itself over her left arm. "My name is Elizabeth Peterson, and I am a copywriter from Maryland." A tear escaped as her eyelids fluttered close. "My name is Elizabeth Peterson. Lizzy. Lizzy Peterson."

The pitch dark galaxy had no stars nor moon to illuminate the sky tonight. Only fire. Fire and twirling red lights from abandoned police cars, and a forgotten, dying torch.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Good to hear.

Be a master, know its name.

Cease the ache, Jen, know the game.

Men are fickle like Love is vain,

so sigh no more Jen, sigh no more.

Come along and repeat after me:

"Good to hear,

Good to hear,

Good to hear."

Monday, August 31, 2009

Days down under.



3rd day in Sydney is winding down to a close. 

Night falls at 6ish every night, and it's pitch dark by about 7.30pm. Life's really slack around here, so it's still taking me quite awhile to get used to it. I'm pretty laid back, but there's a limit to how slow things are here. Thankfully, while some of the clubs I've been to have been disappointing, the bars are doing better. Prolly it's because you don't have to pay $25AUD to enter the establishment to find out that the crowd and music sucks. Heh.

I got back at 10pm after having fun in a gay bar called the Colombian Hotel. How awesome is that? Alot of shops along Oxford Street and George Street were closed by 3pm today, but Chi-Town was great - Felt like home! Food wasn't all that expensive as compared to other places in Sydney too. Managed to shop a lil despite my tight budget... Though I'm fearing for the remaining 14 days.



Oh well. We'll see what happens when we reach that road. Have 5 more days before we head down to Melbourne to bunk at my friend's. Woo hoo!

3rd day in Sydney is winding down to a close... It's times like this when in the solace of the night, I find myself awake, thinking about... All the little things. Nothing. Everything.


Good night.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Australia, HERE I COME!

Author's note: It would be over a month that Strawberry and I not meet up by the time I get back from down under; I wonder what would happen then? Is it me or is this gradually fading away after the deed has finally been done? Oh well. We'll see. 
 
Oh and, HE chatted with me on FaceBook yesterday. Unbelievable. Said he might have a position for me at his current employment and that we'll discuss it when I get back in Singapore. I can imagine what would happen if we work together at the same place though...


*Grins* 

Counting down to my flight in exactly 18 hours.

I will be down under with Amanda, joining Apple, who is finishing her last semester at NSW in Sydney, with a short holiday-within-a-holiday to Melbourne on 5th Sept till the 9th, bunking over at my friend's - Yi Jun - place.

S.E.V.E.N.T.E.E.N freaking days. I should get a PSP to accompany my journey! Unfortunately, I don't have enough moolah :( It's through the aid of my family that I'd scramble enough to finance my expenses there, as it is. Have some savings tied up with 2 close friends, one of which has way too much family obligations and bills to pay, and one just lost her job a few days ago.

I think I'm going to be broke for a long time :) Time for a job hunt when I return, but for now, I'ma continue partying like a rockstar.

*Grins*

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Oopsy daisy...

Oopsy daisy last night... But we kinda saw that coming, so yea *shrugs*.

Losing contact with Strawberry :( Was it because of the lunch we had? Sigh.

Too much to think on a Saturday morning. Can't type well with acrylic nails anyway. Heading off to bed, good 'night', me lovelies.


P.S: I'm STUMPS-FREE FOREVER! Yes, I've finally left my job at SS. Without a firm job lined up. But hallelujah! I'm glad to be seeing the last of him as my boss. *Crosses fingers for her Marina Bay Sands interview result*