Hah!

Even my colleague knows my "pattern" now. No matter how tired or busy I've been at work, I will always get hyper when the time nears 5 - 5.30pm.

However, I'd just recovered from my fever from yesterday, so I walked around today in a permanent slouch and droopy eyes.

But then again, finally free enough to take notice of the time, I couldn't help the huge grin that came onto my face :D

I'll blog again when I get home, right now I need to finish my work first ;)

T minus 10 minutes and counting, weekend here I come!

Thank you. I love you all.

I always thought I don't have friends anymore... That Time has drifted my closest friends away from me to nothing much but Hi-Bye accquaintancea, but I was wrong.

I still have old friends who dropped a message by, and tell me they care. Supporting me.

I have a god didi who would come all the way down to comfort me, nieces who care and lends me a listening ear, old friends who I didn't know still care for me even tho I've lost contact with them.

I know things are partially my fault that they ended up this atrocious, that I'm not the only victim here, but it did wonders when I heard (or read) those comforting words.

Thank you Alan, Eileen, Cash, Lexandria, and other names that I can't think up of right now due to my jumbled brains. Thank you guys so much.

Life seems less bleak now... Especially after the whole tub of Haagen-Dazs Cookies & Cream icecream.

Happy birthday, Ma!

It was my mum's 58th birthday yesterday, and I could see that she had a blast with her friends. She also seemed overjoyed that I'd given her quite a big angbao as a present. Perhaps, she's starting to see me as the adult that I am? I surely hope so.

I was the designated videogirl, but it was okay. Anything for her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN, MA!

Also another shoutout to my sis, for cooking up a storm, thus allowing me to bring the delicious curry chicken and fried bee hoon to lunch-in at work. Thanks! =)

Anyway, I seem to have an urge, an overwhelming urge to go clubbing. Anybody feel like going to MOS / Dbl-O / MU / Chinablack / Madam Wong II this Friday or during the weekends? Call me or MSN me, I'll be waiting ;)

*Sniffles*

Just watched "Dead Man Walking" on Star Movies and I sobbed my eyes out. Sean Penn just has that charm about him and his interaction with Susan Sarandon(?) was great. It's an old movie, but its a gotta-watch one.

Anyway, does anyone knows the name of the guy in the new Starhub's Mother's day advertisement? The one where the mother cried at every important moment of the son's life?

If you know, tag me. He's goddamn cute; One of the 2 types I'm a sucker for - 1) really cute guys, even better with a little bookwormish look, complete with the glasses. Or 2) the bad boys(who are kinda little boys at heart) who have a gorgeous smirk and confident air around 'em, and ooze sex appeal.

I think the common thing between my 2 types will be the killer smile. If you look cute smiling, you'll get me drooling.

Maybe my next post will be something about myself that people might not know. But right now, I'm gonna go dream about gorgeous men with cute smiles... Mmm...

To: Melvin.

When will my moment of epiphany come to me?

You have just requested for a 3months seperation. I know its just your subtle way of breaking up with me while not devastating me immediately. Making me grasp desperately onto the hope that you will return to me somehow. But I know differently when you told me to look for another guy.

I tried to be bitter, tried to laugh at myself and say, Game Over JenxGeR, you've been pwned. Ah... The irony. I also tried to blame you and make myself feel better, but I gave up midway, as all I feel is this aching numbness.

I have a sinking feeling that the longer we seperate, the happier you'll be with your life. I'm afraid might be our final break-up. The it. The... end. The end of the life we've shared together.

But I have to acquiescence, because I know I've begged too many times for a second chance. We've simply tore at each other's hearts too many times.

I know I must respect you decision and understand that you're hurting and tired too, that I should just wait patiently and see if you would return... But the pain... I can't stand it. It's tearing me apart. You were the only one in my life to ever show me some sort of support. Who gave me the strength to carry on.

I never truely understood the true meaning of being lost and alone, until now.

One minute into the seperation, and I was lost. Someone please tell me what to do. I don't know anymore.

God, save me, please. I really don't know what to do anymore... But I know this...


I've seen the best and worst of you, and I know this with perfect clarity - I love you. I might always love you. I don't know if you see that as a burden or appreciate it, but if we never get back together again, please know that you will always hold a special place in my heart, as the man I've come to love the most, the hardest, and the deepest in my entire life.

Will you sleep at night and miss my presence beside you on the bed? Will you look at my toothbrush beside yours and think about me? Would you miss the talks we have before we sleep? Would you miss our good times spent together?

I will always remember your naturally pouty little lips, cute guilty smiles when I catch you trying to spin a white lie, the infuriating yet endearing manner whenever you're so clueless to what I'm feeling.

I will miss the way you startle awake whenever I nudge you, the way your warm skin feels whenever I hug you, the security I feel when I'm in your arms, the tender times when you bring my hand up to your lips and kiss it, and the way you always sigh in mock exasperation when I constantly ask you if you love me, followed up by a how muchie.

I will remember everything. You know how good a memory I have :)

For what its worth, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Melvin Lim Jie Ying, for the most colourful 3 1/2 years of my life, filled with laughters, anger, happiness, sadness, joy, pain, sweet memories, and love.

I love you.


----------------------------------------------------------

I'm finding my way back to sanity again,
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there.
Take a breath and hold on tight,
Spin around one more time,
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.
Yeah.
Where I want to be.

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm,
Trying to identify the voices in my head.
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive,
And break these calluses off of me,
One more time.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.
Yeah.

I don't want a thing from you.
Bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off your table to the ground.

'Cause I just want to be here now.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.
Yeah.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.
Yeah.
Where I want to be.
Where I want to be....

---------------------------------------------------------

Weekends. Finally!

Sheesh, I thought Friday would never come! One of my colleague is flying to Jordan for her holiday tomorrow (lucky her) so I OT-ed a lil to help diminish some of her workload.

Couldn't even get home after that; I went to Raffles Place to collect my BtVS books from a seller from Yahoo Auctions.

I'm abso-bloody-lutely shagged out.

Anyway, please don't mind my bloody awful poem in the previous post. It was done in barely 5mins, and looking back, it sincerely sucks to hell. *Shrugs* Strangely, I get all poetic when I'm depressed. Damn Shakespeare and his tragedy plays. *Shakes fist*

My depression might have been striking once too often nowadays, and the magnitude and aftermath of my major brooding and depressing shocked even myself, but I think I would be fine. Eventually.

So don't worry about me, guys, JenxGeR always pulls through... I guess.



Heavens! Hinder, stop this fate; or grant a time
When good may have, as well as bad, their prime!

- Francis T. Palgrave, 1875

Me.

I'm a lousy girlfriend. A lousy daughter. A lousy employee. A lousy friend.

I accept that now. I used to push these thoughts to the back of my mind and tell myself to think positive thoughts. I told myself I'm doing just fine, it's just a virus of my mind. Telling myself that everything's fine and dandy like cotton candy.

I was wrong.

It doesn't matter what I want, it doesn't matter what I need. It doesn't matter if I cry, don't matter if I bleed. I'm nothing but a lambent shadow.

What's life? Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more...


I cursed, I lamented, I scorned
at cheerful laughters and
encouraging smiles.

I abjured from society.
I tried to make myself
inured to life's drudgery
and distress.

I failed.

Oh, the quiddity of life.
What is life but live to die?
To crave that soothing moment
but to cower when it nears?

Nobody shared in my isolated gaieties.
Nobody cared beyond
a modicum of concern.

I am alone... Truly alone.
It makes Death all the more
sacrosanct for me.


------------------------------------------------------


In case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see,

This is my heart,

Bleeding before you --

This is me down on my knees...


------------------------------------------------------

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

Grant me strength.

My rather sharp wits and tongue might finally come into use later, for the most important (verbal) fight of my life.

It's 3 v 1, a 99% sure-lose situation, but I can't afford to lose my ground.


Wish me luck.

Grant me strength.

Sigh...

All's not that well in Jennysviile(bleah?) right now.... I've got issues I need to resolve with Mel's mum, and the tiny trickle of life's sand grains that used to bounce off my head is now like quicksand, threatening to bury me alive.

I'm tiring... I'm truely feeling unergetic.

All these overwhelming layers of stress, life, disappointments etc are suffocating me, leaving me in a state of malaise. I'm an encumbrance to all.

I feel smouldered. Mirthless. Demeaned.


Hopeless.