A New Life.

Please dear Buddha... dear God. Will me to forget the existance of Melvin Lim Jie Ying. Will me to be strong enough to leave him and start my whole life afresh. Will that my friends still remember me and are still willing to give out a caring hand.

Pls pls pls make me feel strong... My hands are trembling as I type and I really don't know what life will be for me from now on. I never once dared to imagine life without him by my side; all the people around us have gradually accept that we're gonna stay together till we vow, till death do us part.

Nevertheless, it was obvious our relationship wasn't gonna end up anywhere good. I loved him so much, I still do, but it's getting meaningless. I really wish for someone to treat me right... To care for me and make me feel secured. He once did, but its gone now. I could never feel secured around him anymore, nor do I think he's sincere to marry me anymore. He just wants to get rid of me every single time I initiate breakup in the heat of the moment. I just wish I didn't fall so hard for men everytime, just like a fool.

Thinking about all my past relationships, I think I'm just a fool for love. My mum always remind me not to fall so deeply in love, but make the guy love you more than you love him. Yea in theory it works... But I never could. The guys always take a liking to me at first, and I end up falling head over heels in love with them in the end. I just wanted so much for someone to make me feel secured so that my heart won't be broken anymore... Guess I'd been asking too much...

I really don't know what to do... I know that I must leave him for good... He's already sick of all these break ups and never 'wan liu' me anymore... He always just give me best wishes. I should have seen it a long time ago. I'm so dumb... It's all over. Even if we get back together next time, we will have no future. I know he loves me deeply too but I don't want to waste his time anymore.

All I want now is to be able to get over him... I asked him to not answer my calls anymore, and I told him to ask his family to ask me to fark off if I end up calling his house. I'm going to tell my mum about the breakup instead of hiding it, so she would stop me from doing the foolish stuff I always do. I don't want his friends, or ultimately him, laughing at pitiful me, unable to get over a relationship I initiated breakup. He's gonna get over it sooner before I do... I don't want to always be the weaker one. I want to be stronger. I want to show him I mean breakup for good instead of running back to his side everytime. I feel like a pile of s*** everytime I do, but I never could help it.

I might not be online for the next few days or even perhaps weeks... Call my HP if u guys need me. I'm at his house packing all my stuff... He and his whole family are out shopping for CNY. My heart is aching like hell as I take out all the photos and stuff... I want him to forget his feelings towards me asap so he would be able to deal with me harshly if I ever try to return to him in the spur of the moment. Sigh... Someone save me from all these please... I'm dying inside.