Tathanos

I'd emailed my friend who's studying over in Cali and asked him about college requirements over there.

Turns out differently from what I thought. There's also a community college besides the university college I know about,(or prolly the same, I'm not sure.) and I would prolly not be able to take up the courses I want, and have to pay thousands per sem.

And I most probably need to go back to poly.

Am I prepared for poly once again? 3 years of my life will be taken away... I'll be 23 then. By the time I get to America and complete my studies there, I'll be like, what, 27?

There's the question of finance, no doubt about that, but not a significant problem. Thinking about all this makes me hate myself. Why didn't I put in my heart while I took up BIT in NP 3 years ago?

If I had not flunked my Biz Statistics twice that year, how would my life be like now?

I know it's no longer an issue to lament about, but I often think about how different my life would be.... And it broke my heart. This brought forth nothing but odium in my head, so much so that I have to backtrack immediately so that this self-condemnation won't tear at me further.

I wish for nothing but to pin myself in a sarcophagus until I shrivel up and die.

For the first time in the past 3 years, beside the day I got my exam results from NP, I sincerely regret my truancy and "bo-chup" attitude towards studying. I still remember the moment I saw my results from the Net, I only felt dread about how my mum will react.

Now I feel the angst of failing my entire sodding life.

I feel bloody ashamed everytime people asked me about my education, but I'd always managed to push it off to the back of my head.

Now I just feel like dying. Flashing back to the faces on the people who knew and thought I am talented and intelligent, I finally understood their disappointment.

I know, you guys will just encourage me to go back to poly, but I would never be able to fulfill my dreams that way. My dream to act, and it's not just the TV/movies kind you know? I always preferred theatre works even tho I'd never dreamt of being able to enrol into an Art school.

Time and tide waits for no man... I'll be wrinkling and old, not the young blood I still am now. Life is just this harsh and practical.

And I hate myself for thinking so impractically for the past 1/5 decade. I just hope life will have better luck in store for me in the future.

P.S: Thanks alot Eugenia... For pulling me back afoot on the ground when I got so frantic just now, for being a night owl like I am, there to talk to me when I feel like I'm sinking towards Hell. It's nice to have friends who still care enough to help you out, even if we hadn't met in 2 years =) Thanks!


Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

- Truman Capote