Right now I'm crying. Hmm, or rather was crying. It was supposed to be a happy night actually, because I went to KTV with Kailing and Vincent they all and we had quite a fun time(even tho Mel promised to go shopping with me at Orchard today but didn't).
We just got back from eating @ Changi. We had initially planned to go a temple in Loyang to pray but we all got tired and setted off for home. On the car, Mel and I talked about Derek and Elaine who went missing for about a month (Derek drove without a license and he's sorta wanted by the law by not going to army yet and the license thingy, and Elaine is well, his girl.) Don't know what they are up to really. Wonder how they survived without money. I have quite a few possible ideas that Mel deemed unfit to publish on the net, so I can't type it out but, I wouldn't know anyway. All I care about is the money they still owe Mel, prolly about $1000+ in total unreturned. What they have done to us in the past were.. unforgivable too.
Anyway, thats not why I cried... We also talked about our sorta co-habition together, and I was telling him how wrong it was. We are still so young, and mouths have been spinning off about how I am like living with another guy now and not returning home much. I don't like the fact that my mum has to undergo such pressure. Hey, I DO go home, but that doesn't stop tongues from wagging.
He told me we're gonna get married ultimately so I shouldn't care about that too much. Even tho I don't mind that idea, we're still so young! We aren't out working yet and we don't know who we may meet or know in the near future. When I worked as a travel consultant a few months ago, I got to know SO many people, clients and colleagues alike. What if he meets a girl next time? What if I do?
Nobody can ever be so sure about the future.. I know I shouldn't sound so negative but its true. On the car, we were talking about, what if he has an affair blah blah blah, and I told him of how I would react. If he has an affair in the 30s, its harder for me to forgive him, esp. if we don't have kids. If it happens when we're in our 40s, 50s, 60s, I would give him a chance b/c of our long relationship. If he makes the girl pregnant, I would have to see if the woman's a bitch who wants to snatch away my husband, or another desperately in love woman who is torn between guilt and love. I would NEVER allow her to be accepted into the family (none of the other elders would anyway) but I won't make her abort. If she has problems I would take the child as my own.. but she will never be part of the family. Nor will her kids call me 'Da-Ma' or w/e. (Unless I'd taken her kid as my own. Then he/she will call me Da Ma -_-")
Haha I know I know... I sound so uh, naggy w/e, and that whole conversation sounded so DUH, but I'm quite strict with all this really... I just don't want my kids to grow up the way I did. As Mel and I chatted on, I got reminded of my past; the day my nanny, my closest kin for 11yrs, asked me to return home. I could still remember...
We were standing by the window pane in the living room.. She was looking outside aimlessly and her eyes were red from crying. I know what was going to happen but I tried to wish it away, but it did. When she told me to go back home to stay with my mother, she broke into tears. I stared at the fake firecracker ornament which hung down the ceiling, the shelves on my right, the curtains, outside etc; everything was like a daze... The memory from 8 years ago still lingers vividly in my mind.
The beginning days back home with my mum were harsh.. I slept with her every night crying myself to sleep, and my mum was angered and hurt by the fact I missed my nanny and my sister whom I slept with, and she would scold me, making me cry even more. Everyday I come back home from school to face the empty home, until a maid came 1 year later. Most of the time when my mum returned from work, I would be sleeping. My maids thru out the years were my closest friend.
I never had a father like my nanny's husband to reprimand me, to take me in hand when I do things wrong. Well... He's the father I always wanted. The only memory I had of my own father was him slapping my face when I was 2, just because I refused to share the bread I was eating. My nanny home was so different.. Father would sit me in my brother's room alone, closing the door and everything, and talks to me about what I'd done wrong, and how I should have done things the way they should be. He never once raised his hands on me.
Just as much as I understand why I had to leave that home, I couldn't help but feel hurt everytime I think about it. That's why i gradually grew apart from then when I was around Sec 2 - Sec 3.. But if any of them should see this... Christina Jie... I miss u all. So so so much...
Sigh. I know I shouldn't linger on sad memories, but I just can't forget it all. Who could? I wanna call my nanny and father to call them 'Mi, Pa' again.. But I don't dare to. We've lost contact for almost 2 years. When my sister got married about 3 years ago, they asked me to go and take family photos with them... I was so elated and touched... But now, sadly, it's a silent, mutual understanding that we aren't what we were anymore... And it saddens me even tho I know its inevitable.
Haiz... I think I go sleep le ba... Thinking about all these just makes me wanna cry more. I'm making my blog sound like a total sob, with all these emotional stuff I've been writing thru out the days. Since it's like published on the net for anyone to see, I guess I'll try to make it more entertaining or something... I don't know. Or like my bf just said, I should write more about us too =P Make him happy, make me happy. Hah. Oh well... G'night.
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