The Bank of England Protest.

I passed the TV by earlier on, and CNA was doing a report on G20 protesters.

There were boards saying 'Eat the Bankers!' and banker-esque manequins(black pinstripe suit with tie and white shirt, etc) being tied to the traffic lights and set on fire. I even read that earlier protesters marched behind models of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse', representing financial crimes, war, climate change and homelessness.



Gotta love the English.

While I do believe that most 'well organised' protests(more like protests that have huge turnouts and went out of hand, making international news) are somewhat effective in getting the message across and garnering public's attention, I can't help but feel that the riot police's style of handling the situation was only inflaming the protesters.

Just like the basic theory of chemistry - When you squeeze a cluster of molecules into an enclosed space, the structure hardens. I'm sure that of the protesters that were present, there's bound be some who were purely 'spectators'. Enveloping them within police walls only forced the people to act out as one single entity, especially with the media there to aggravate the situation.

Oh well. The G20 summit will prove to be very interesting, though I doubt much will come out of this much-anticipated chaos.

It was fun but...

What's next, now? My mind is running through with a million and one scenarios.

Of course, there could be worse outcomes... But I certainly do not want to become your fubu.

I can't keep doing such things to myself or I'll slowly die inside(if my stupidity doesn't cause my death first).

I want to stay in my protective bubble - thank you very much- believing that one day, one day I can find someone who wants me. Who loves me. Who honestly wants to be with me. Not the constant flow of psychos and men who want to go wham bam thank you Jen!, and I end up becoming a men-hating cat lady living in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh, 30+ years down the road.


It has to be all or nothing, and despite how nice it would be, I know you can't and won't be the one giving it to me. Oh well.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.


I was struck by temporary girlish giddiness by a friend I met up with last night, when the high was abruptly ceased when thoughts of D came into mind.

A wave of guilt washed over me, the small voice in my head telling me that I should be grieving over the 'loss' of D, before I chastised myself for feeling so - We are nothing more than friends who've tried with good efforts to maintain contact over the Net, being continents apart.

Yes, I've figured that our spark has finally fizzled out - We've not contacted since late February beside the odd emails here and there. I guess it is time to lay this feelings to rest; No point to desperately choke its throat for the final few gasping breaths.

Not that this guy, H, (whom I've met from Facebook) would be it or something, I must say. Men that hot are not meant for women like me - All that could happen between is most prolly a good roll in the hay, and then it's thanks and see ya!

I suppose that's fine with me. I'm numb about the pros and cons of pure fun vis-a-vis relationships and I've dealt with the fact that my life is not like Gigi's(Ginnifer Goodwin, from He's Just Not That Into You) - I will never be the exception to the rule! Doom and gloom as always, I know... But I'm blaming it on my hormones.


Fate has flipped the coin for me, and I shall but wait.

It's the end of the world as I know it.

There was a shift in seating placements for the IMO department next to my colleagues, leaving about 4-5 desks free.

While most of the desks' locations are still alright, with one particularly succilent one tucked in the corner, there is also one that is directly infront of my manager - Also the nearest available one to our boss - where the ex-executive assistant used to sit.

Seeing that I'm not exactly in my manager and boss' favour, it goes to say that I won't be getting the little corner of heaven. I'm just feverently hoping against odds that I won't genna the 'hot' seat. I am even hoping that they are thinking of employing another executive assistant when the headcount freeze is over, so that they will leave that workstation open.

Sitting in that area would already be a terror in itself - Though I haven't been late in the recent months, every minute past 0900hours that I slip in into the office, and every minute of me doing absolutely nothing because there's no work to be done, will be noticed.

I can't surf the Net because Tiffany took away the privacy screen that was on the console(it costs about $170+ per piece, so ordering a new one won't go unnoticed), and frankly, sitting near your bosses will never amount to any good. (Right now I'm seated allllll the way at the other side of the office diagon-)

Just got back to my desk. Some bloody colleague whose brains aren't working today, decided it was fun to fucking joke around with me when I directed her to the bigger utility room in our office, but she kept on going into the other utility room which was not even half the size. "是那个有很多打印机的那个吗？Is it the room with alot of printers?" FUCK. She is China-Chinese and she looked smart, but I guess I was wrong. UTILITY ROOMS ARE ALL FILLED WITH PRINTERS. Which part of bigger utility room don't you get YOU FUCKING DUMBSHIT?! Made me walked all the way there, guided her every fucking step of the way and opened the cabinet with the calculators for her like she was a fucking baby, as if she haven't been in the company for so much longer than I did.

FUCK.

To say I'm in a pissy mood today is an understatement. Months back, I went on a job hunt, because I was sick of having to see the mug of Office Admin.'s manager - I still am. However, I have learnt to more or less tolerate it.

A couple of months back, I was worried that I would get retrenched, so I resumed my job hunt.
I have thus laxed on the job hunt ever since the retrenchment exercise is over, but I was demoralised when I heard that I won't be getting any fucking bonus for 2008. JUST ME. Bloody fuckin' piece of shit.

If I DO get seated at the one fucking workstation I HATE, I am getting out of this shithole by the end of the 2nd quarter - With or without another fuckin' job.

Hopefully, a year of anticipations...

Do you know what this picture means?

It means, I CAN PLAY MY GUITAR NOW! Well yeah, I've always had the option of just cutting my fingernails and play my god-damn guitar, but I've finally did it yesterday. It's about time to brush the dust off my Artemis.

Anyway...



Yes. Fina-fucking-lly.

The problem is, I'd only heard about the Amway trip to Las Vegas after the registration was closed, because, as my upline told me, "'Cos this trip will be abit expensive... So it's more for those who really want to learn. If not waste money.'"

I was a little pissed off hearing that... Yes I know, I haven't been to class - But that doesn't mean I intend to stop buying products or that I would learn shit from the trip just because I've stopped going to class. The leaders' teachings are inspirational and it always makes me feel more hopeful about my future. I might have shelved my Amway ambitions for the moment, but I'm not about to give it up totally. If not, why the fuck did I renew my membership when I've stopped going to class?!

I hate it when there's new stuff and I hear nuts about it from my upline aka longtime friend. What harm is there to update me once in awhile instead of dropping off the face of the earth and totally losing contact until recently? Do you know how I felt during the month plus that we went totally incommunicado, when our offices are just opposite one another?

I know I'm selfish and self-centered to let this flatulent anger boil within me, but, all I want is to feel like I'm really a 'baobei'.

Anywayyyyy. I've decided. If registrations are indeed closed and they can't squeeze my name in, or they feel that I might not appreciate this opportunity(mind you, we are paying our own way, but nonetheless), I'll still be making my way down to US, even if it's not to attend the seminar that I was looking forward to.

*Takes a deep calming breath, and cools down*


I'm going, with or without the class, and that's final.


Author's update, later into the day: Hmm. Apparently, one would need to attend every single class till we set off for Vegas, to qualify for going. I suppose I would have been alright if I was told when the schedule first came out; I would have seriously considered making the effort to go to every single class but... Now, hearing it like that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So what about the new friends who would want to attend? *Shrugs* I guess I'll be braving U.S of A on my lonesome.

Being Jennifer Lim.

Today is another of those days at work that I sadly have absolutely nothing to do, so there I was earlier on, sitting at the reception area chatting idly to my colleague.

Our newspaper vendor's despatch was there, delivering a copy of the Financial News that was apparently missing from our usual order. During the lull in my prattle about nothing and everything, I'd absentmindly watch the despatch guy wait for the lift in the lift lobby, before walking into one with a distinct limp.

That was when I realised, hey, I'm pretty fortunate. Yeah, so what if I'm not that pretty? I mean, to some, yes, I might be beautiful, but to most, I'm categorised somewhere in the middle, which is made obvious when I'm around my gorgeous girlfriends.

I have Ying, Amanda, Jeannette, Suyi, and Yuqi who recently joined the fold. Within this 2 groups of girlfriends, they have the market on Hot, Sexy, Gorgeous, Beautiful, and Cute, cornered. I was, and am, always the one that guys' glances often passed over on, to which I suppose is because I'm somewhat neither here nor there of what they look for in a woman. *Shrugs*

The amount of guys that hit on me in a year can be easily counted with 1 hand, and perhaps with another hand if I get lucky, while that amount can be easily beat by most of my gfs within, say, a few months? Some of them still look upon me as the 'guru', but I don't think I deserve that title. I've just been in the scene longer than they did, that's all. Frankly, it's more likely that I'm living my life vicariously through them now, what with the multitude of new men they meet every week.

So what if I get passed over for my girlfriends 80% of the time, even though hanging out with my girls are the only times I get to meet new guys/friends? So what if men that I knew first, now prefer the company of my gfs that I've introduced them to? I might be 'ill-fated' to have gorgeous girlfriends, but I honestly can't complain. They are dear to me, and I'm glad they have the attention they get. They deserve it.

Anyway, my point is - I've came to realise today that, I'm not exactly a troll myself. Moreover, I don't have any physical or mental disabilities that plague some unfortunate souls. Why should I be complaining? I'm still a lil taken aback at this realisation that I shouldn't have felt competitive or undermined; To actually feel contented to being just me, even if this feeling lasts only one day... It ain't half-bad. *Grins*

This is me - The tall but not-as-tall, volumptuous but not-so-slim, pretty but not-as-beautiful, interesting but not-as-fun Jennifer Lim.



And I'm pretty alright with that. ;)

A lil photo survey

Found this interesting photo survey blog online, and I decided to give it a try. After all, it's not healthy to fill my blog entries with emotional outbursts. Lol.

- Anyway guys, I'm feeling better. I was just experiencing one of my depression bouts. -

1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket (http://www.photobucket.com/, search the images).
3) Take a picture from the first page of results copy the html code(preferably the first picture you see, so it'll be more fun!).
4) It might take awhile to complete this(I've got allll the time I need, at least for the remaining of this week.).


1) Your name: Jennifer


If only that's really me... Pfft.

2) Your favourite T.V. show(TOUGH!!!): I guess its 'Queer as Folk' right now.


3) Your favourite place: Er, I couldn't think of a specific place actually. So I went with, Somewhere where I'm safe and wanted.

0_o.

4) Name your car:



Heh. Geddit? Geddit?! Am I like, a genius or what! That's sooo funny right??

Ok. So I'm in a lame-ass crap mode today. Bite me.

5) Your favourite sport: Basketball (I have more knowledge about football, and I'm a loyal NUFC fan, but I choose basketball since it's a close second favourite, and something I would play.)


6) Your hair colour: Right now, its faded to Light Brown.


7) Your favourite colour: Blue.


8) Your favourite drink: You're shitting me?! This is tough shit. Um, Maccallan Single Malt.


9) Your favourite season: Season of Love... LOL nah, Winter.


10) Name of your pet: How about this... the name of my last pet - Ophelia.

Yes, I named my dog after a crazy woman character from Shakespeare. *Shrugs*

11) Name of your love: None right now... But to recall the last one(of sorts), Dave. Though I'm not sure if I should call it love. Bah oh well.

Mehhh, the Dave I know is so much cuter. :P

12) Your middle name: Danger is my middle name. Hahaha.

Emo is so unbecoming. *Guffaws at her lame self-poke*

13) Your favourite food: Sashimi


14) A bad habit of yours: Laziness.

I'm not as bad. I think.

15) Your biggest fears: Let's go for physical objects... Bugs.

Pretty accurate, actually. Even butterflies. *Brr*

16) Your favourite store: Louis Vuitton.

Well... The question wasn't exactly 'My favourite store to shop at', innit?

17) Your favourite book: I read far too many books to have a favourite. I'll stick to my childhood favourite, Little Women.

Just in case you were wondering, these girls were dressed as Jo, Meg and Beth.

18) Your weakness: Right now I guess it's Gale Harold (Sorry James Marsters, just letting him have the spotlight for now!)

<3

19) Name of your favourite cartoon character: Courage the cowardly dog!


20) Your favourite non-alcoholic drink: Soya milk I think.

Mmm! It goes best like this!

Alrighty then, there you go, my 20 questions photo survey. Most of the pictures were the first one in the row of search results, but there were a few that I chose within page 1 as the picture really had no connection to my searched item.

I did this because my friends were sick of reading emo posts, so for whatever reasons you might want to try this for, do it. It could be pretty fun to scan through the search results.

I hate being helpless.

Friends who know me, or even just read the status messages on my Facebook account, would now get an answer to their question - "Why so emo?!" *Wry grin*

Not wanting to go into details, but let's just say I never had a good childhood growing up, I wished I had a father to love me, and I wished I did not remember vividly how wounds could scar you both mentally and physically.

But I pulled through it. At first, I cheated by putting up a front, which was strong as an iron cast, and somehow along the way I did managed to be strong. If not for myself, then for my family and handful of friends who cares but somehow not that enough for me to dare to offload my burdens and insecurities onto them.

I still have my little outbursts that I could not help. You know those little wooden, hollow birdies that catches water dripping from a source above, and when they are full, they would tip to one side to deposit the collected water? I feel like one of those, needing to have an outlet to deposit all that burden, except that everytime I come back up, I'm still half-filled with water.

I've never been a very good friend. When I was younger, I remembered giving up my last dollar just to make my friends happy, as I did not know what it took to let them know I cared, thus I did it with money and being there as much as I could. Nobody taught me how to be a caring, good friend, because I have never had one, not for a very, very long time.

Alas, time lapsed, and I inevitably grew jaded and cynical, and I thought, "Jen, other people do this more competently than you do. You're nobody's best friend. You're just a good friend, you're just there. You're just not made for this shit. So why bother so hard and make yourself miserable?" The damage was done.

Besides, flattering words were, no, ARE something that always have been a problem getting past my lips. If they weren't deserved, I couldn't force myself to dole it out. Human beings would always prefer verbal assurance of friendship and loyalty, and I guess I do too, but I just couldn't do that. I mean, I would try to express with a hug and physical touch, but since when was that ever enough? I suppose that's the consequences you would have to face, when you are too fucking chicken to choke the words out, for fear that they would get thrown back in your face.

For if that happens, that would be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. And I'm too much of a coward to be able to stand that, even when I see my friends preferring others over me. I'm still in the group, sorta, but not really.

I'm standing on the sidelines, occasionally trying to step into the spotlight, with a well-placed self-derogatory poke at my own expense, or, hah, trying to be the all-knowing One, just so that, my friends might look upon me with a little more respect, a little more awe, earning a little more placement in their hearts. Nonetheless though, the slightest self-doubt would have me scurrying back into the shadows. Even so, I'm not even ready to let go of that slight comfort that I still have a line to toe about.

That's when I decided that I would still try, but nothing's going to make me try as hard anymore. I looked at everything through reinforced glass coating my eyes and my heart, and I tried not to let them get in that easily.

But sometimes, all it took for an impenetrable fort to fall, is the tiniest, unexpected peg taken to it. It would start off with a small chip in the wall that you would ignore, but the cracks would soon spread through out the walls, and before you know it, they fall, and your emotions are not longer safe.

I still try. I still try, because, no matter how cynical I am about life, I'm still a human being, deep down to the core. I don't want to feel lonely. I'm afraid of being lonely. I am lonely. I don't know what to do with this loneliness. I'm scared. And it's this innate fear that had me struggling to float to the surface to take a life-enforcing breath, to not collapse when a weaker version of me would have given up years ago. I'm determined to not sink and drown.

Not yet.

I wish I could be at peace. I wish I can write happy poems, and painless thoughts, for once. I wish, I wish I did not have this capacity to feel so so much for people and everything around me. I wish, that I can truly have someone who loves me because I'm me, not because I'm so-and-so's friend, or because I am willing to do something for them. I wish I was someone's closest and best friend, not in the whole wide world, but at least in the group; I thought I had that for awhile, but I got replaced since last month. I deserved it, though.

I wish I can find someone who loves Jennifer Lim, just because. But then again, who can? It will be so much work, trying to break through my walls and insecurities. Even if or when they do, the results wouldn't be rewarding. Any slightest shit will get my hackles up again, and it just would not be worth the efforts.

I wish I knew for sure who I really am inside. Sometimes I feel I've turned so vile that I'm afraid to psychoanalyze myself. I just feel like I'm slowly stripped of my identity and I'm not sure if I have any idea what I have become.

I hope I would not have to hate myself if I manage to discover that one day. Because if that happens, I would truly have no one.

I hate being helpless, but that's what I am right now. I'm scared, I'm scared shitless.

A little idea...

~~~When you can dream, then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart~~~

In his dreams, it was always night-time; The alleys surrounding Libido were lit dimly with the half crescent moon reflected off the water puddles, and he would be alone, immersed in a sea of people who were zipping by and conversing with words that did not make sense.

He would always wake up in the morning feeling disorientated, recalling something about a night out at the club, a weird sense of déjà vu, and oddly, a lamppost.

---

Walking down the final steps of the club, with the muffled thumpa thumpa music emitting through the heavy curtain drapes behind him, Gale Beaufort heaved a put upon sigh - Another dull night filled with nobodies who gyrated their bodies, glistering with sweat, to the heavy beat of the dance music. There wasn't even a single good catch in sight.

Shrugging on a Hugo Boss butter soft black leather jacket over his sleeveless grey v-neck jersey, Gale crushed out his cigarette under a pair of Prada boots. It was early March, and while he was appreciative of the thawing winter in this God-forsaken place called Pittsburgh, it was still as cold as a witches tit at night.

Sauntering over to his Jeep, Gale gave the streets a cursory scan and a niggling feeling began in the pit of his stomach when his hazel eyes were unwittingly drawn to the lone streetlight across the road that had been the recurring star of his recent dreams.

Emptinesshurtregretlonging

Nearly doubling over in physical pain from the rush of emotions, Gale blanched and tightened his grip on the Jeep's door handle. Taking a moment, he swallowed hard, mouth dry and a bitter, medicine-like taste at the back of his throat. Gale forced himself to shake it off.

"I really need to cut back on the shit that my fucked up disco pharmacologist has been 'prescribing' me," Gale muttered. "And stop talking to myself."

A pause. Gale chuckled at the irony of his latter sentence as he got into his black Jeep Wrangler and revved up the engine. With a wry smile and freshly lit cigarette on his lips, Gale peeled off into the night, leaving behind his little kingdom that is known as, Freedom Boulevard.


I have no idea why, but this 'prologue' just hit me on Monday morning, and had me scrambling for a piece of paper to write it down. I took that paper home and transferred it onto a pocket-sized Hello Kitty notebook, LOL. Moleskine journal for dear ol' Jenx, anyone?

End results were scribblings of unrelated sentences, thoughts, and even names. However, it still puzzled me why I was struck by 'inspiration'. I suppose its the mauldin and lackluster lifestyle that I have been leading recently that had Life coming over to kick me in the arse and demanding me to do something about it.

After dawdling for 2 days, and with LOTS of trepidation, I decided to post this on my blog. There's many reasons why I was uncertain, and one major reason is that I have been encouraged by a few friends to write a story, or dare I say it, a novel, and I was afraid that posting this would decimate all hopes of their bizarre concept that I could actually write.

The other important reason is that, where do I go from here? Thriller? Romance? Drama? Sci-fi? Suspence? Hetero? Homo? Herein lies the problem. My little prologue isn't even long enough - I want it to be at least 2.5 pages on a standard paperback, but so far it's looking to be barely 2 pages. So many ideas are milling through my mind but I am unable to grasp onto one and run with it. Thus, without it, I am unable to expand on my prologue and story.


Is the prologue too short? Boring? Unexceptional? Full of errors? Comments or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Sigh. Right then, off to lunch. Just be kind and leave me some shreds of dignity, thanks. :P

Let the festivities begin!

I got assigned to the duty of going to the NTUC hypermart for crabs and other supplies this morning.

I should have had the foresight to wear my wararmour. Brr.

Anyway, 'tho I grumbled and griped about having to wake up early this morning, the foray to the supermart and wet market was a fortifying and educating trip. It somewhat gave me a glimpse into my future as domestic goddess, and it surprisingly wasn't half-bad, though on a grim note, I am not sure when or if I will ever get the chance of domestication.

CNY 2009 is my 本命年... I can't believe this is my 2nd cycle of the Chinese Zodiac. *Moans* GAWD I FEEL SO OLD!

Soooo anyway,  here's to wishing all my blogders a prosperous, peaceful and wonderous New Year filled with happiness and joy!

 

祝你 新年快乐 万事如意
牛年吉祥, 恭喜發財!

A passing thought.

Had, having, and in quest, to have...


Is that all there is to life?

.
.
.

On a sidenote, shortly after I had this 2 sentences blog entry composed in my mind, something unexpectedly happened.

A friend of mine that I had not seen since before my birthday last year, came up to my office to pass me a gift. Do you know when the non-festive, non-birthday last present/gift I received was?

Jan/Feb 2008.

It was a delicate box of Canelé chocolate as thanks from a VP from AIA when I helped him with his policy. At least that had a reason. But, but now, I got this...



He did not even want me to come out and thank him personally; He was exiting through the glass doors when I walked into our reception area.

While the watch is not a luxury brand, the amount it cost (I went to check it out, lol) is still nothing to sneeze at, for a gift that had no apparent reasons. It's sweet... But sadly, this isn't going to be a whirlwind of courtship that ends up happily ever after - I never had any feelings for him, and I probably never will. He is well to do, and nice, I guess, bringing me to pretty fancy restaurants for the few rare times we've met up, but he is much too busy and... Totally not my type.

It brought a small smile to my lips nonetheless. Maybe this year won't be as bad as last year was.


One can only hope.

SICK.

I don't know who I am anymore. Why am I doing this shit. When I should have left that fucked up lifestyle behind me years ago.

I club. I party like HELL. I drink like a fucking fish. But do I really like it? Is Clarke Quay seriously my 1st/2nd home you guys always thought it is to me? 

NO. 

I only go there because that's the only place I feel safe. Wanted. Known. Recognised. Not fucking lonely. Where I can lose myself to the thumpa thumpa music and alcohol. Forget the shit for a few hours.

I'm fucked up. Jenx is 1 fucked up piece of mental case. I need to drag myself out of this fucking shit.

I just hope I hadn't lost myself so much that I can't find me again.

Just a lil blast from the past.

I've been trying to clean up my room in preparation for the upcoming Chinese New Year, and guess what I found? :) My errant 'latest' diary, with the last entry dated 3rd November 2006.

And to think - The journal begun on 3rd January 2003. Guess I was really moving on after 8 years of keeping journals.

I read through the book, and was grateful for the way I matured; No more 'lahz', 'liaox', 'siao bo' and the multitudes of hokkien slangs dotted into my entries as the years went on. And my grammar! Brrr. I would have been thrown into jail with life sentence if the grammar police had came a-knocking.

Not to mention, Melvin dominated my EVERY entry... Sigh. I'm just glad that painful chapter of my life had came to a close, though honestly, ghosts of the past still come to haunt me in my dreams ever so often.

Yes... Though he's no longer haunting my thoughts, my brains decided to play pranks on me by making me dream of us patching up and getting back together, though the dreams would not be perfect; His 'assholeiness' will shine through in every episode.

I have NO idea why that happens; Melvin barely appears in my thoughts nowadays, what with me having my own distractions *cough*. I mean, yes, I guess I still love him, if but just a little. I suppose my heart will always have a tender spot for Mel, but I'm no longer in love with him anymore. I don't think I ever will. I mean, there's only so much crap you can take from a guy and his family, right?

Maybe its because of how lonely I've been feeling, and my subconscious is trying to let me fall back on past memories of when I at least had someone by my side. I'm just glad the dreams are mostly just a monthly occurrence, and that my journal ended with something that was NOT about him for once.

03/11/06

12.37am

Flitting through the night,

I dance to unheard music.

Envy me not; I cavort alone with my shadows.

Bedlam, distraught.

The noises in my head are causing an uproar.

Don't give me songs; Give me something to sing about.

Jennifer

12.50am

A new year.

T minus 3 hours to an entirely new year.

I did something out of character by cracking open my bottle of vodka and starting early with the festivities. Don't get me wrong; You know I drink like a fish, but when in the warm cocoon of my own room, I usually prefer to crack open a bottle of beer or indulge in a glass or two of red wine from my collection instead.

I guess the last day of every year is almost a mandatory moment for you to reminisce about what's happened in the past 364 days, and what lies ahead in the coming 365 days, but as I stood in the kitchen sipping my little cocktail 5 minutes ago, I pursed my lips and came up with nothing.

Maybe I've gotten lazy and refused to think, but I do know this - Life is not for indulging too long a time in contemplating... Life is not bliss, life is just this.

I know what I want. I know what I must do to get what I want. I remember all the fucked up shit that have happened to me in the past year, so DAMN if I allow them to happen again.

No pompous resolutions with illusion of grandeur this year, no bullshit, no promises that prolly couldn't be realised - It all sounds a little self-indulgent,  self-derogatory, debased, but I suppose this is what Jennifer Lim has evolved into. :)

No excuses.

No apologies.

No regrets.

Happy 2009 matey, yo ho~!

I get that... Sigh.


But well, all I can say is:



Loneliness has a way of creeping up on people, slowly but surely winding its vines around - constricting, suffocating, choking the life out of us.

In this instance, it has left such a gaping hole inside me, that every breeze generated by the slighest movement, felt like a hurricane swept through the core of my body. The stress from work did not make things better.

In sooth, I need to admit while this 'loneliness' depicted mainly of my status quo of a love life for the past 15 months(albeit having a few colourful characters thrown into it - Rodney the Rotten, "Backstreet Boy", the "2 apples I had at one go", D, King I., etc etc) it was also because of my apparent detachment from the world. I've always tried so hard to belong, but I could never quite fit in... The more I tried, the more I felt like the sore thumb that stood out.

People always tell me, "Don't look. It always hits you when you're not looking."

My dears, don't you understand? I haven't been looking. To be honest, all I have been looking for recently, was spots of fun; Carpe diem, c'est la vie and all that crap while hanging on to bits of sensitivity and decorum.

It wasn't until I met D that I thought, "Hey, insouciant and vivacious as this is, there could be more to this life that I'm leading."

When he left, my flicker of hope went along with him. The flames would flare and reflect in my eyes everytime we chat, but just as surely enough that my deep affections for him would never cease to be, my tiny sparkle of hope is sputtering to its end.

For now, I'm contended with fading into the woodworks. For now...


Breathe

Swish, splash, hush.
I plunged into the icy pool without a roar.
I tried to rub my arms for warmth,
But my skin was scruffed raw.

This pain,
It claws –
At my heart, my guts, my throat.
I can’t breathe.

Gnaw, slash, rip.
In all my vainglory, I am torpid inside.
A votary of destiny,
Its brusque decision had me pliant.

My struggle to fight deliquesced;
Life has placed a malediction on me.
Just leave me alone to lick my wounds –
I need to cleanse my soul.

I can’t breathe.

- Jennifer Lim
June 2006, edited December 2008.

This brave little soldier is trudging on.

So what if he's disappearing from your life? You're used to such things. You're made of stronger stuff. You can do this.

March on little soldier.

Decaf.

Trying to delude yourself with a decaffeinated hazelnut latte at 7.45am in the office would only serve to do 2 things:

1) Lead your paranoid, exhausted body into experiencing all the nauseousness, giddiness and stomachache even when there's no caffeine(in short, your body going neh neh ni boo boo),

2) you still feel as fucking tired.

Online retail therapy.

I just got my cheapo Citibank credit card in the mail yesterday, and I put it to good use today by shopping at Victoria's Secret.

Nothing beats retail therapy while sitting right smack on your butt while browsing through everything they've got, hours after hours.

But then again, THIS will beat it all:


Merchandise Subtotal $278.50
Shipping/Handling $56.99
Special Offer – $75.00
Taxable Subtotal $260.49
Sales Tax $0.00
Order Subtotal $260.49
ORDER TOTAL
$ 260.49
Purchases made by Ying and me :)


$75USD tier discount. Oh and don't forget the gifts with purchase ;) Thank goodness I thought to check online. Turns out, there's practically a whole community/forum of women sharing offer codes and exchanging tips... I've yet to master the skills of stacking codes! Oh well. I forgot to buy my bikinis, so I'll prolly brush up my skills during the next retail therapy. *Wide grin*


HALLUJAH!

I just needed to rant...

on Barack Hussein Obama.

Again, I state, I am NOT American, I am NOT white, I am NOT a racist. I mean, what's with the indirect messages of being deemed as racist if you don't vote for Obama, just because you don't agree with his vision of U.S.A?

I mean, what's with the fanatic Obama followers that went, "You didn't vote for Obama? YOU FUCKING RACIST!" And hello, 'Civilian Security Force'?! How about Gestapo? Ring a bell? Or the uniformed people who followed Louis Farrakhan around? Am I going to be thrashed for saying Obama reminds me of Louis Farrakhan, - albeit with more charisma - a 'Black Hitler', and displaying symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?


If, a bunch of civilians, - uniformed AND uninformed - are empowered under this force that Obama aspires to set up, what do you THINK is going to happen?


It is not really democracy anymore. It's socialism. I don't know how you feel about it, but I sure don't like it. Oh, there's going to be CHANGES, alright. I'm just not sure if it's any good.

I know there's no point for someone who's not even American to be ranting about such stuff after the election is over. Yes yes, I KNOW, the election is OVER, the world now just has to DEAL and await with bated breath to see just which promises would BHO realise.


The good, the bad, the world-changing decisions. Oh boy. Fun.

Yes, amidst all the YAY OBAMA, Obama-rama, cult of Obi-wan Obama, I'm making a stand - McCain fanatic I am not. Obama basher? That I am. =]


Narcissistic Personality Disorder(According to professionals, you'll just need 5 of the symptoms to be diagnosed with NPD):

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). - What HAS Obama achieved in his political career so far, besides becoming POTUS?

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. - It is everywhere in his speech, don't tell me you didn't notice.

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people(or institutions). - See above, and also think about Obama's inner circle of high-profile friends.

(4) requires excessive admiration. - See (2) & (3).

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. - No? Go Google Obama's speeches after his failed Philadelphia debate.

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. - "Hey, anybody knows where Jeremiah Wright is now?" So much so for inspiring Obama, huh.

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. - Have you listened to his opinion on living babies who survived abortion?

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. - Okay, this I've not exactly noticed yet. But look at Obama's campaign ads of showing McCain's homes; He casted McCain's wealth in the bad light just because McCain managed to freaking earned those money.

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. - I'm thinking... Self-evident. Think about the biblical and messiah references. "My hour is almost here." Then again... He was raised on muslim faith. Hmm.


Arguably at least 7 points out of 9. Point.


(NPD argument inspired and partially adapted from abovetopsecret.)


... He enforces discipline, adherence to his teachings, and common goals. The less accomplished he is in reality – the more stringent his mastery and the more pervasive the brainwashing.

Mat Gordon

I was out with my friend Samuel last Saturday evening for a movie and dinner, and when we were chattering quietly to each other while waiting for Madagascar 2 to start(which is a really good show, go watch it!), one commercial came on and I was like... :O

*Cues jaw dropping and drool collecting at corner of mouth.*


Mat Gordon in the Paco Rabanne's 1 Million commercial.

Excuse me if I am being a 'mountain turtle', but it was the first time I saw a model having dialogues(albeit he kinda muttered) AND dance moves in a branded product's ad. Usually they just prance around half-naked or lie entangled with some other anorexic pretty models.



I know, poorly captured screenshot, so shoot me!




And he's hot. HOT LIKE HELL. I literally tuned my friend out while I stared at the screen mesmerised. What to do? Told ya I have a thing for tall skinny men.

It might be the fact that all my perfume have been used up and I need to get a new bottle, but I must say the power of advertisement has hit me hard this time 'round, for the first time ever.

I WANT a Paco Rabanne perfume!

*Whimpers* Mama like!


Oi. Looks eeriely like Tom Cruise, lor!


P.S: Oh, I've just realised he didn't speak. Funny that I thought he did. *Shrugs* So here's the commercial. Enjoy ;)