Had a big fight with Mel yesterday when we were out... Almost ending up in a breakup. The incident's still raw in my mind and bringing it up will only hurt again. 'Sides, its not the first time something like this happened. I should have gotten used to it long ago...
So anyway, moving from one upsetting subject to another, I quarrelled with my mother. Again. It doesn't help that we both are down with a case of depression; mine's not as heavy tho.
She's always paranoid and repetitive, and she can spend days nagging/scolding the same old thing to me. I knew that it's fueled by her depression and her age, but bad temper runs in the family; I could never get my mouth shut when she starts insulting me.
Had a talk with Mel and my sis-in-law. Mel told me to bite the bullet and bear with it; my sis-in-law asked me to understand my mother's situation. Both made sense.
I should be thankful she no longer uses physical violence on me since the last 2 years or so. I shudder to recall the chopping knife incident when I was 14, or the frequent beatings I got all over my body since 10. Those were bad times.
What didn't change was her words. They never get any gentler; Instead, they grow harsher by the day. I know that I'm a disappointment that I'm a P.h.D - Poly halfway dropout, and not being successful in getting a permanent job, when I have the brains.
I know that I'm not bad-looking at all, and I do have some brains, and even if I'm not one of the best, I could have eased past Poly if I really tried. But what's done is done. Mistakes have been lamented long ago but I get reminded of my failure every single day.
I try to move on but all I hear everyday since young, were "nobody likes you anymore", No... "Who are the guys mentioned in your diary?" Why...? "Are you so happy to be a prostitute?" What..? "Miss Ng, I know why her grades are slipping. I saw her diary and she goes around calling guys Lao Gong" and all sorts of Hokkien vulgaric insults.
"Ma, I'm going out with my god-bro and old schoolmates to celebrate his birthday." "Don't tell Ah Mel that you go out with guys, if you know what's good for you" "Why do you always quarrel with Mel if you don't bear to leave him? Why do you still go around doing hanky-panky stuff with other men?"
Her truculent words cut into my heart and it bled, and bled, and bled...
Yes, my mum chose to believe some kpo aunties who prolly lives on the 7th or 6th floor who told my mum I was hugging and cuddling some guy down my block.
First thing - I occasionally meet Mel at the 7th floor to smoke before he comes into my house. There was a night when my god-bro went to the 24hours coffee shop to drink with his friends and I went down to smoke and chat with him.
Alan is a very endeared friend who'd surprisingly kept in contact with me, and brought me out of "stoning" at home and made me go out with our old schoolmates. We would sometimes sit down and talk about our problems, well, mainly my problems, and he would spare me a listening ear when my other listening ear has to be in camp.
Maybe you guys won't know how special it is to have someone who just cares for you and don't judge you, but I do. One of the reasons why I cling on to my bf is that he seldom judges me, loves me dearly, and even tho he's helpless in giving me advices, he tries his best to make me feel happier and forget the pain for awhile.
Alan does that too. He and I may not keep in contact regularly, But then, I've lost contact with my best friend, y'no? That's why I look upon him as the kid bro I never had. Part of my extended family who gives me the sibling caring I've always craved for, and not the obligatory ersatz sympathy I get sometimes.
But no, my mum doesn't believe that it's strictly platonic. I'd only chatted with my god-bro down my block once, and we were just sitting next to each other while I chain-smoked. The only other male contact I have is my bf. My mum didn't even bother to stop and think that maybe the neighbours saw me with Mel. Noooooo... I have to be doing hanky-panky stuff with other men.
I'd remained silent when she went on her usual rant telling me how fucked up I am, but I couldn't help but shout at her again when she doubted my fidelity. I felt bad about shouting at her, but looking at her locked door, and my own locked door, I knew that there's nothing much I could do anymore.
Nothing's gonna remedy my first 11 years of life living in and loving another family. Growing up with a caring elder bro and an elder sister who canes me when I made mistakes but loved me dearly, a mother who's always there to take care of us, a father, and also a father who talks to me sternly but kindly when I made a mistake instead of hitting me. A family who cramps into the master bedroom for the aircon in excitement every Monday. A family who treats me like their own even tho my surname's not Tan.
I still love each and every one of them even tho we've gradually faded away from contact now.
I know that my mum did not mean for me to grow up with my nanny, but given my father's abusive behaviour and her long hours of work, I appreciate what she'd gotten me out of - domestic abuse. Still, isn't that what she did to me in the end when I went back to stay with her?
I don't know how to talk to her, to make myself and also her to open up and chat, without dissolving into a sobbing mess and getting no results in the end. I've tried... Oh I've tried. But the outcomes always hurt and we sealed ourselves up rapidly after.
Life is but ephemeral, yet it has little meaning for me right now. I'm clutching at straws... Trying to see light in every situation and make myself happy but failing horribly in the end. The only things keeping me abound is my love of my mother and bf, and my love of being in love and being loved in return.
That and also because I'm not gutsy enough to do the deed of ending my sodding life.
Months ago, if any of you'd asked me if I know who I am and what I want, I might have grinned at you and say, "Definitely". Now I just feel like throwing my head back and roar in laughter at my denial. I'm just a wastrel who wallows in self-pity and dilatory.
I'm ashamed of myself and yet at the same time I don't have the strength or willingness to pull myself up. Every night I'm cursed with insomnia and I always wish for eternity sleep the moment before sleep finally claims me...
We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.
- Pablo Neruda
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