Doesn't he understand that our family status are way different?
I blame myself sometimes for not being to suppress the surge of indignation everytime he tell me everything in my life will be fine when I get a job.
He'd only worked 3 weeks in his 20years of life, just for more allowance, and he told me that once I find a job, just stick to it and work for years and years, and it'll all be fine. He'd never once have to work for money for his own living. He doesn't really understand the feeling of failing in life.
I'm not saying I should be pitied. God, I hate myself. It's all my own fault my life's messed up now, and I know it's up to me to change it. But I also know that life doesn't end when you don't complete or do well in your studies. It's the stumbling blocks when you're out of the education system and the adoring palms of your parents.
All he'd to worry in his life so far is having not enough money to spend, doing homework/school stuff, getting his next allowance and NS etc. My worries now? Learning to provide for my mother and myself. Learning to be independent when I've been such a dependent person my entire life.
Everytime he tells me it's just me who's not willing, he doesn't understand the factors as to why I hesitate. I failed my life once or twice already, and I admit, I've delayed planning for as long as I could, because I'm bloody frightened.
I'm scared of failing again. It hurts. It bloody hurts so much. I don't like being a sodding failure. Nobody does. I don't want to plunge and resurface a failure once again.
If it takes time for me to finally succeed in my life, bloody hell I would give it time. I've started to plan out my life pieces by pieces already; I'd really need his soft words of encouragement, not another long story of how simple things are, and how things are gonna work out if I do this, if I do that.
I bloody hell know what I need to do. Doesn't anyone know by now that I only need your encouragements, acknowledgements, and the gentle nudge to stand on the "Go" square? I'm FUCKING scared to fail and get laughed at again. I'm FUCKING FUCKING scared.
That's the problem about him that I hate - He always think that all matters are easy and simple to solve. See, want, take.
I've tried telling him the determination he has is praisable, but it's not pragmatic of him. Life isn't peachy for everyone. Not everyone has a family to fall back on, whether to find a job, or continue studying, etc etc.
It doesn't matter if he thinks he wants to be independent in the future, I damn well know that such words can only come from one with a comfortable life all along.
He thinks that I can find an office job easily if I want, but I did not complete my Poly. He has his ITE cert. I don't.
He's gonna come out from NS and work in a comfortable office. I have to troll my life away on measy low paying jobs or F&B/sales jobs. He can continue his studies if he wants to; I have to plan how to get the money for my studies, allowance and transport fees.
I have to avoid thinking about my American dreams because it fucking TEARS at me that I'll most probably not be able to achieve it.
Is it wrong of me to be angry at him? Yes, I'm somehow jealous that he has a better life and a better path infront of him; he can have just an O'Levels cert and never face the kind of problems I face. The option of asking his parents for monetary support is always there. It all sums down to dignity.
He told me his father can always give me monetary support if I really want to return to Poly, and he can help me with my allowance. What the bloody fuck do he think he is?
Frankly, my family will be able to see me thru if I really want to study further. It'll be a strain, but ultimately no problem with that. The only thing is, I'm 20years old and I want to do it on my own. I've disappointed my family too many times and it's time I get independent.
I'm not gonna whore my soul and obligations away; I still have my pride left. If I have a background like him, I will put down my pride and ask my parents for help. But I will NEVER, EVER turn to a non-blood related person for such help that will make me be obliged to and grateful for life.
Like I'm obliged to marry his son for sure, because of the "ren qing zhai"(indebted).
I'm not whining about this because of my dignity; It just feels too much like selling my soul. I can't make myself do it.
Do you get what I mean so far? It's just... He doesn't think of what it feels like to be in other people's shoes; He just thinks that "If it can happen this way for me, so can you!"
Like I mentioned above, everything to him is just see, want, take, see, want, take. He's just so confident of himself and his future.
I never meant to pour buckets of cold water on him like that, because I've always admired and envied his optimism. But it's not practical; It's never practical. Life isn't always sweet and dandy for everyone.
I may be overly pessimistic, but I have my reasons to. He'd never experienced the failure of flunking school and bad job opportunities. All he'd ever faced was doing bad in PSLE and failing N'Levels, resulting him in going into ITE straightaway.
God, I really want to succeed in my life, I really need that support from someone, but all I get from him is that life is just peachy. I know I have overeacted, but it made me jealous and angered at his atrocity to tell me such things when he will never have the worries that I have.
Argh, I wish I know what to do. After this whole chunk of ranting, I'm feeling better; I even feel sorry for being so harsh on him. Still, the heartache is enbeddled deep in my heart. The way he say things that made me feel belittled and small, as if it's nothing wrong at all, I don't think a small part of me can ever forgive him.
P.S: Forgive me for my mad, long ranting. I just meant to get it off my chest and I do know what I want to do in my life. I just need to start gaining my own experiences and strut on.
Don't need give me advices and stuff... Maybe just a simple "Jia you" to let me know that you care, will do. =)
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