Bugger.

It feels like I'm coughing me spleen out everytime I wheeze due to my smokers' cough. It's time like this that I question my sanity in deciding that I don't want to quit, not that I can't quit.

Maybe its time to redefine my "can't" and "don't wants".

Anyway. Yes, I'm back from the horror that is the Bangkok trip =) In order not to jeopardise my 8 years long friendship with the girls, I shall not go into details regarding my feedback on the trip. =P *Grins innocently*

The pics will be up if I feel up to posting, but I've been partying hard and getting sick ever since returning, so keep your fingers crossed!


P.S: Sweets gave me the ooy-gooey feelings... :)

"You're a woman of pleasure."

Guilty as charged, dirty as sin.


And I'm loving it.

MOS.

Getting propositioned/hit on for countless times within the span of 2 days definitely helped to give a boost to my low self-esteem and ego. *Grins*

And I can't believe that people recognise me still! I have had 2 online acquaintances whom I've never met in real life before, coming up to me and ask if I'm JenxGeR. Guess I'm pretty recognisable with my DD boobs, huh. *shrugs*

But that also meant that I haven't gained that much weight that people can't recognise me anymore, so its all goood...

Well, I can't complain much about my weekend; I watched Spiderman 3 on Friday, courtesy of my company. Most people found it not up to expectations, but I judged it upon how it came along from Spiderman 1, and how I've managed to catch Venom *gushes* on big screen, and so I loved it.

Since we missed clubbing last week, Yan and I both made it up by clubbing for 2 nights straight. We were at Q Bar for Alan Chan's birthday earlier on, before we moved on to MOS and we got to know Dave and Roberto better. *Grins at Yan*

I simply can't wait for the next weekend to arrive. Right now, it's time for beddy bye. 'Ta.

(Our Bangkok trip is finally arriving... 17th May. *Squee* I just hope I'll get to settle my passport issues on time!)

12.

12.

The number that's making me feel like hell right now.

I indirectly caused him to lose 12 demerit points by talking to him while he was driving.

He ran the red light because he couldn't stop the car in time at the traffic lights at Adam Road. The photograph probably had a good shot of me gasping in disbelief.

If I hadn't request for a drive home tonight, it wouldn't have happened.

4 1/2years of clean driving record, ruined, less than a week before he is collecting his own car, a Mitsubishi Lancer Sports.

Shit. I'm tearing myself up with the guilt, and have no fucking mood to go for the movie and clubbing tomorrow night. I feel worse thinking about how he's feeling right now.

Argh. I hate myself.

TGIF again!

Who don't love Fridays? Thing is, the days are moving along at such a speed(though 9am-6pm will never end fast enough) that it frightens me.

Oh, the horrors of a woman past 20. I dread my coming birthday on 3rd October, because I won't be able to declare myself "Forever 21" anymore. Not honestly, at least.

Sigh.

Just had a particularly sinful lunch of Oishi Pizza's party combo with the boys and the ladies. There were 9 of us, but there's still 1 1/2 pizzas left over. Oh dear. I guess thats the reason why I'm putting my Art of Eating Snake© to good use right now.

Sometimes I wonder. I took the initiative to know the boys (for Jenny's sake, lol) and asked them to join us for lunches. Yet now, I seem the one least 'close', for a lack of better words.

I definitely can derive several reasons: I'm not as goh goh di/manja as the other ladies, not as daring, and not as slim and pretty as them. Whenever I try to act cute or manja, I just... can't. I'm much younger than the OLs, but I end up the big sister figure, again.

I will be officially old in a couple of years. I don't want to be a constant big sister figure. If you read my friendster, alot of my guy friends always call me 大姐. I was close to them because I'm a good buddy in their eyes.

I just wanna be a girl. Not the cynical bitch currently typing this entry.

I'm genuinely a caring and friendly person and all that rot, yet I always end up the girl in the background. 'Cos seriously, who would bother? Let's just face the facts yea - I'm simply not attractive or daring enough to garner attention.

More to the point, in life, in work, similar things happen to me. In several incidents, whereby I was entitled to certain things, or promised to be part of something, where finally, something good was about to happen to me, someone else would come into the picture and more or less demand or 'request insistently' to take over or be part of it.

I would hum and haw, and finally be pushed off, because, oh, "Jennifer is nice. She would understand."

Well I DON'T want to understand! If you ask me whether its my jealousy rearing its ugly head, I would answer I don't know.

But, what I do know is that, minus-ing my bad points, I would be a considerate, caring, friendly, blah bla blah girl in most people's mind.

I'm bloody sick of it. What's the soddin' use? Good guys always finish last.

Anywayyys, moving on to more mundane subjects, yours truly have straightened her hair to how it was always supposed to be!

It isn't exactly ramrod straight since I did soft straightening, but I guess I kinda like it.


Yea, my hair can't hide my chubby face anymore =(


And a look more befitting my mood as of late. See lah, Mr Yat! Got influenced by you =

Hmm. I like the 2nd look. Lemme take out my bottle of black nailpolish and my darker makeups and experiment ;)~

Monday.

The electricity tripped for our floor in the office earlier on, which lasted a whoppin' 30mins.

It was one the best working Mondays of my life :D

Driving instructors.

I need recommendations for good driving instructors in west area or AMK area.

Any suggestions whether I should take school or private? Class 3? Auto?

Gimme a holla please! I hope to get my driving license asap =)


My baby's got a car~

Ugh, I think I had 1 too many Shiraz. Was at Wine Company owned by Tommy, with Yan and her friends, and friends of friends earlier on for dinner, and I was humbled by their idle chats of hunting deers and bears, quarterly skiing trips and bicycle wheels that cost them $10,000, blah blah blah.

Wth, Joseph is even the cousin of Lee Hsien Long. I felt like a tiny, squished pea sitting next to them, but I'll have to say - They're definitely interesting, if not arrogant. I looked at them, and I wished I was an insurance agent instead of customer service consultant. I could practically hear the ka-chings.

By anyhoos, the Chocolate Molten Lava there is to die for. It's at Evans Road, right beside the Institute of Education at Bukit Timah Road - You should try it. Seriously.


Random picture of the day... Mr K and Mr D enjoying a tender moment by sharing the garlic bread. Aww... LOL.

Friday the 13th.

I love Friday the 13ths. And today is the only one this year.

Coupled with the upcoming cosplay chalet that Sheng and his sis will be holding, my mind is currently awash with gothic lolita costumes, and namely erololi or schoolboy lolis.

Maybe I'll just scout for something during the BKK trip =) I mean, I'll have to find something to do since I won't be able to find normal clothes my size in Thailand, yea?
Anyway, last weekend was busy busy busy! My 'schedule' was filled to the brim with outing on Thursday, clubbings on Friday and Saturday, then birthday celebration for my dear friend on Sunday.



My loves.


Yours truly, Jessica, Sheng, Yan, and Ting, our birthday girl :)

It was fun, I mean, yea, it was an awesome weekend, I even saw Leo, but I think the lack of sleep took its toil on me and I'm down with flu this week. Bleah.

Oh anyhoos, here's some eye candy for you 妹妹s out there.


Actually, they're not much younger than me; they're 21 and I'm 22, but damn if I don't feel much older!

Damn act cute... Wahaha.

OH. MY. GOD.

Well, I haven't been on eBay for a few months, but I got on recently to help my niece get some stuff she wanted, so I had a 'look-see' around to snoop for some James Marsters' merchandises.

Lo and behold...

I came across this and more or less fell in love.

Okay, it's not that gorgeous, but it WOULD be a wonderous addition to my collection.




I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!!!


Unfortunately, I'm so freaking overbudget that I can't afford this SGD$200++ piece. *Sigh* And its not even my birthday yet, so I can't pester anyone to get it for me.

*Goes to brood in a dark corner*

'Lo and behold...

Your camwhore queen.



Kneel and kowtow to her because she owns you.
.
.
.
.
Okay, so I'm bored, but I'm on leave on Thursday, so I have only 1 more day of work to go.

Hell yea!

31/03/2007.

It's amazing how one night can give so much revelations and old memories.

Was at MOS with Yan earlier on, and I met 4 people from my past - Zhi Yong, Chen Shung, Alex and Joshua(well, he don't really count since I saw him a couple of weeks ago, but oh well).

It is startling how years have matured these guys. They were enjoying themselves with the guys, flirting with women, and even kissing some(ahems at Josh - don't need to look shy after kissing lah, lol), yet I just sat there, too lethargic to dissimulate my loneliness and desolation.

It was then the thing called Reality surreptitiously came up to bite me in the arse. Seeing them got me cogitating on how and why did I let myself end up like this. I was simply left nonplussed.

When I went to the SkyLounge with Yan, I saw a woman sitting on the sofa alone, who kept casting longing looks at this HK millionaire called John.

As he passed by, the woman would timidly hold his hand and brush her thumb across the back of his hand. John did not even acknowledge her presence.

When John'd finally stopped fraternising around, all he had to do was turn and face her, and the woman would walk into his embrace and looked like a happy little puppy who got patted on the head.

Yan and I laughed, but then realisation slapped me rightsmacked in the face that it was something that happened to me more often than not.

In my case, I would be the puppy who got kicked to the sidewalk and have to crawl back to its owner, whining.

I shall hold on to this revelation in mind and sleep on it.




Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

-T.S Elliot

NATAS

MUST... GO FOR... NATAS... TOMORROW... $200 PER DAY...

DIE DIE... ALSO MUST... GO...............

WITH PREDICTABLE... WORKLOAD... FOR... NEXT WEEK... I WILL... HAVE... TO DO OT... UNTIL 8-9PM... EVERYDAY... FOR NEXT... WEEK...

DIE DIE... ALSO MUST... EARN THAT... MONEY.... SAVE FOR... BANGKOK TRIP... IN MAY!


*Collapse with exhaustion*

Bugger this.

NATAS fair coming up this weekend - totally slipped my mind.

2 gruelling days of toiling in the booth processing HUNDREDS and HUNDREDs of policies, where every washroom break gets you the evil eye.

I mean, seriously, our situation is so bad that even our temp boys have to stay for OT almost every night until 8-9pm...

*Shudders* Ooh, the things I do for money.

For my friends who might go there, don't forget to turn up at the AIG booth to catch up. I may not be free for more than 1 minute or so, but it'll be nice.

I WANNA GO DANCING!!! ARGH!



P.S: I've changed my mobile number... So if you don't have my new number, give me a holla in my tagboard.

I...

I want... no... I need...

Someone who cares when I'm hurt.

I don't need the person to coddle me and dote on me when I'm hurt, but just to acknowledge my pain.

To let me know that my woes and pain did not went unheard. To not treat the words spoken from the depths of my heart as crap and a waste of his bloody time.

I don't need the person to agree with how I feel. I just need him to understand.

Someone who see things from a couple's point of view and not from the view of whether things were to his liking or not.

Someone who will come to meet me when he wants to see me, instead of commanding me over or flippantly say, "You want you come lor, dun want to come den dun come lor."

I'm so bloody tired that I just want to...



I can't even bring myself to speak anymore. It feels like something is laid upon my chest, and slowly choking me by forcing the air of out my lungs and crushing my windpipe.

TIck, tock, tick, tock...

Oh, I wonder when will this little self-detonating bomb will go off.

Sigh... It's Friday but...

Yesterday, when I was 'recalled' to go to my sis' place, I already booked movie tickets for 10pm that night and right then, I was having a hysterical breakdown due to workstress due to the problems caused by our Abso-f**king-lutely Bloody-piece-of C**t system.

I ended up running to the washroom and wailed for 5minutes straight. I guess its true that a good hard wank wail does one good.

I did not manage to go to my sis'.

Hence I made a promise to stay over tonight, yet my boss asked us out for a nightcap. I'm telling you, Jeslyn inviting us for a drink? You better be there, because I haven't seen it happen before.

Sis ah sis, there's a dark force forbidding me from coming >_<

Neh mind, I'll be there. The force is strong with this one!



P.S: I can't believe how efficient UOB is.

Let me tell you about the difference between UOB and AIG.

I went to the branch at Bukit Batok on Monday, and I received my card today. Whereas if you managed to call through AIG and buy a simple policy? 5 working days, please.

We are the HQ, and our servicing hall has 14 counters, yet some customers wait for almost an hour nonetheless. I did wait 1hr+ for my turn at the UOB branch, but they only had a few counters available.

Our customer service hotline operates from Monday to Friday, 8.30am to 5.30pm sharp, while UOB's hotline operates 24/7. Although we do have a 24hours crisis hotline, I don't think I will be able to talk to an operator within a minute(though I'm not sure if its because of the time) with AIG's customer service hotline.

Kudos.

There were days...

When I pat myself on the back and congratulate myself for having it rather easy.

I never really had a sordid past.

Okay, so maybe my dad left us when I was 3, I grew up at my nanny's until I was 11, it took me 14 years to know the truth that my sister is actually my half-sister, and I bled and bruised under my mum's fury until I was 18, but I have learnt to get by and take things in stride.

Looking back, when I 'blossomed' from a tomboy to an ah lian when I was 14, I'm glad I did not join that gang in Yishun that my friend almost got me into, and I've only had one real brawl in my adolescence days. It was a pretty good record as compared to most kids nowadays.

And then, like any young kids, I smoked my 1st cigarette thinking I was cool, because nobody my age seemed to be doing that.

I was 10 and a half.

Courtesy of my mum, I got the pack of Dunhill Reds for a science experiment in school, and then shared the rest of the pack with my maid. I "officially" started smoking at the age of 14.

As I got to the age of 16-18, like many teenagers, I got my hands on some drugs. I smacked K, took E, got high, got drunk. Lived the rock & roll lifestyle... Only with techno music.

But I'd prided myself for never once sleeping around or even let 'non-boyfriend' men touch me. Guys respected me; I'd garnered enough of it back then.

I did silly stuff like going to Serangoon to 'back up' my buddy with all the other guys and ended up getting chased with parangs and baseball bats. My male friend (Yes Ang, that's you! LOL) got nicked in the butt by a parang.

Even at my age now, I still entertained suicidal thoughts by slicing my wrists, but never deep enough, got creative with a belt and a hanger, hopped off a moving car and got dragged along the road on my right side while holding on to the car door, yet sucked it up and limped back into the car as if nothing happened.

Nonetheless, I managed to put all of that behind me. I may be a P.H.D - Poly half-way dropout, but I have a stable job, an okay income, and plans to further my studies overseas.

But right now? I left my pack of cigarettes in my office blazer, and I've been getting irritable. 7-11's pretty far away, and all I have now is Mel's box of nicotine gum.

I've been staring at the gums for about 5minutes, but I still can't make myself take one. Coupled with the health problems I've been having lately, being frustrated and depressed is an understatement.

Combining my past and all these shit that is my life... I have had enough childhood dilemmas and psychological fears to keep a shrink well fed for life.

Maybe I haven't had it easy after all, but somehow, I still look forward to achieving my dreams and goals; I shall never call it quits until I make it to the Land of the free and Home of the brave.

Earthquake :O

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/262263/1/.html

Why didn't that happen to my office area? >_<

Dear friends, do take care!

You know something is wrong when...

You find yourself doing this in the office in the midst of clearing your work.



Ahh, well.

It'll be quite some time before I can say...




Unless I tio Toto(don't even have to be first prize) or 4D first prize with $10 big $120 small and I'll be off to pursue my dreams :D

All I have to do,
is dream, dream dream dream...



Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est.

One of these days...

I'll probably die of some disease rather than old age.

I smoke, I drink(not heavily), I was an user(now now kids, don't you follow in doddering Jen's footsteps!) and I don't exercise. Not in the strictest sense unless you consider sex and dancing as exercises. Heh.

Anyway, having an excruciating sharp pain in your kidney while you're playing Audition? Not fun. Not when your kidney feels like its cramping and set on fire.

The doctor said that it could either be kidney infection or kidney stones. I have traces of both symptoms in my shh shh. (Lol.)

So kids, take care of your body while you still can. Mine's already damaged so I don't see the point for me to bother that much anymore :P

OH! Anyway, here's a picture I took with my laoban after the party. I swear, he's lovely, and the picture did not do him justice. I would write more about my jam-packed weekend, but it's office hours *shrugs*.

I'll post more pictures(yes, there's more!) after my colleagues have sent them to me. Floats around on a perpentual cloud*

I have a copy of this picture fullblown colour-printed and signed by Rudi. Maybe I am near-psychotic with him as I am with James Marsters. So sue me.