I never really had a sordid past.
Okay, so maybe my dad left us when I was 3, I grew up at my nanny's until I was 11, it took me 14 years to know the truth that my sister is actually my half-sister, and I bled and bruised under my mum's fury until I was 18, but I have learnt to get by and take things in stride.
Looking back, when I 'blossomed' from a tomboy to an ah lian when I was 14, I'm glad I did not join that gang in Yishun that my friend almost got me into, and I've only had one real brawl in my adolescence days. It was a pretty good record as compared to most kids nowadays.
And then, like any young kids, I smoked my 1st cigarette thinking I was cool, because nobody my age seemed to be doing that.
I was 10 and a half.
Courtesy of my mum, I got the pack of Dunhill Reds for a science experiment in school, and then shared the rest of the pack with my maid. I "officially" started smoking at the age of 14.
As I got to the age of 16-18, like many teenagers, I got my hands on some drugs. I smacked K, took E, got high, got drunk. Lived the rock & roll lifestyle... Only with techno music.
But I'd prided myself for never once sleeping around or even let 'non-boyfriend' men touch me. Guys respected me; I'd garnered enough of it back then.
I did silly stuff like going to Serangoon to 'back up' my buddy with all the other guys and ended up getting chased with parangs and baseball bats. My male friend (Yes Ang, that's you! LOL) got nicked in the butt by a parang.
Even at my age now, I still entertained suicidal thoughts by slicing my wrists, but never deep enough, got creative with a belt and a hanger, hopped off a moving car and got dragged along the road on my right side while holding on to the car door, yet sucked it up and limped back into the car as if nothing happened.
Nonetheless, I managed to put all of that behind me. I may be a P.H.D - Poly half-way dropout, but I have a stable job, an okay income, and plans to further my studies overseas.
But right now? I left my pack of cigarettes in my office blazer, and I've been getting irritable. 7-11's pretty far away, and all I have now is Mel's box of nicotine gum.
I've been staring at the gums for about 5minutes, but I still can't make myself take one. Coupled with the health problems I've been having lately, being frustrated and depressed is an understatement.
Combining my past and all these shit that is my life... I have had enough childhood dilemmas and psychological fears to keep a shrink well fed for life.
Maybe I haven't had it easy after all, but somehow, I still look forward to achieving my dreams and goals; I shall never call it quits until I make it to the Land of the free and Home of the brave.
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