Do you know how it is sometimes, that you wish someone was never born? Well, unfortunately for me, I have always been too nice and never wished that upon anyone. Only, today was of those days I wish I was never born.
Family. What are families for? People talk about the perfect happy family, one which started out with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, doting parents, obedient children, happy childhood and selfless familial love.
The perfect family life is somewhat a myth for me. Going 'home' everyday after work is a torture, and I dread the days that I'm off from work but simply too tired to drag myself out of the house. So instead, I try to 'compensate' by staying out a little while longer after work, and locking myself in the room during the weekends. There is only one solution for this before I go bat shit insane - I need to move out, pronto. I just hope I would be independent enough to survive on my own.
The laughable thing is, whenever I get into a serious relationship(not that there were many, as I can only honestly count the 5 years r/s), I still fantasized about doing right by my man, then one day create a family, and be a mother my kids will be proud of. To give my own children a whole, complete family that I never had.
But you know what they say about you taking after your parents... So I guess that ideal needs a re-evaluation.
Oh by the way, to the sperm donor who helped in my creation, Happy belated fuckin Father's Day. Hope you had a good one with your happy little family in Malaysia, and thanks for creating this dysfunctional family and then leaving me in it shortly after I was born.
Mum told me you did actually fought to keep me during the divorce. Me. When I first heard about this years ago, I was relieved that you didn't manage to, because the only vivid memory I have of you as a kid, was the time you teasingly asked me to share my Gardenia bread - I said no, and you gave me a slap across the face. I can still remember how I stared off to your right side in shock, too fearful to look into your eyes, while I tried to understand why my father hit me. I can still recall how my ears rang. I was, what, barely two?
Anyway, for the first time in my life, I'd actually thought it might have been better if you did manage to get custody of me; That since you've already made a mess out of this family, the current one you've built should not be that worse off.
Hah! I can't believe I even let that thought manifest in my mind.
My life might have been shit, but I have somewhat survived it - I wouldn't give it up for a second try with a father who barely gives two hoots about me, especially when he is the one who created my living Hell.
Happy Father's Day. FUCK YOU.
