Family.

Do you know how it is sometimes, that you wish someone was never born? Well, unfortunately for me, I have always been too nice and never wished that upon anyone. Only, today was of those days I wish I was never born.

Family. What are families for? People talk about the perfect happy family, one which started out with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, doting parents, obedient children, happy childhood and selfless familial love.

The perfect family life is somewhat a myth for me. Going 'home' everyday after work is a torture, and I dread the days that I'm off from work but simply too tired to drag myself out of the house. So instead, I try to 'compensate' by staying out a little while longer after work, and locking myself in the room during the weekends. There is only one solution for this before I go bat shit insane - I need to move out, pronto. I just hope I would be independent enough to survive on my own.

The laughable thing is, whenever I get into a serious relationship(not that there were many, as I can only honestly count the 5 years r/s), I still fantasized about doing right by my man, then one day create a family, and be a mother my kids will be proud of. To give my own children a whole, complete family that I never had.

But you know what they say about you taking after your parents... So I guess that ideal needs a re-evaluation.

Oh by the way, to the sperm donor who helped in my creation, Happy belated fuckin Father's Day. Hope you had a good one with your happy little family in Malaysia, and thanks for creating this dysfunctional family and then leaving me in it shortly after I was born.

Mum told me you did actually fought to keep me during the divorce. Me. When I first heard about this years ago, I was relieved that you didn't manage to, because the only vivid memory I have of you as a kid, was the time you teasingly asked me to share my Gardenia bread - I said no, and you gave me a slap across the face. I can still remember how I stared off to your right side in shock, too fearful to look into your eyes, while I tried to understand why my father hit me. I can still recall how my ears rang. I was, what, barely two?

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I'd actually thought it might have been better if you did manage to get custody of me; That since you've already made a mess out of this family, the current one you've built should not be that worse off.

Hah! I can't believe I even let that thought manifest in my mind.

My life might have been shit, but I have somewhat survived it - I wouldn't give it up for a second try with a father who barely gives two hoots about me, especially when he is the one who created my living Hell.

Happy Father's Day. FUCK YOU.

Hopefully, a year of anticipations...

Do you know what this picture means?

It means, I CAN PLAY MY GUITAR NOW! Well yeah, I've always had the option of just cutting my fingernails and play my god-damn guitar, but I've finally did it yesterday. It's about time to brush the dust off my Artemis.

Anyway...



Yes. Fina-fucking-lly.

The problem is, I'd only heard about the Amway trip to Las Vegas after the registration was closed, because, as my upline told me, "'Cos this trip will be abit expensive... So it's more for those who really want to learn. If not waste money.'"

I was a little pissed off hearing that... Yes I know, I haven't been to class - But that doesn't mean I intend to stop buying products or that I would learn shit from the trip just because I've stopped going to class. The leaders' teachings are inspirational and it always makes me feel more hopeful about my future. I might have shelved my Amway ambitions for the moment, but I'm not about to give it up totally. If not, why the fuck did I renew my membership when I've stopped going to class?!

I hate it when there's new stuff and I hear nuts about it from my upline aka longtime friend. What harm is there to update me once in awhile instead of dropping off the face of the earth and totally losing contact until recently? Do you know how I felt during the month plus that we went totally incommunicado, when our offices are just opposite one another?

I know I'm selfish and self-centered to let this flatulent anger boil within me, but, all I want is to feel like I'm really a 'baobei'.

Anywayyyyy. I've decided. If registrations are indeed closed and they can't squeeze my name in, or they feel that I might not appreciate this opportunity(mind you, we are paying our own way, but nonetheless), I'll still be making my way down to US, even if it's not to attend the seminar that I was looking forward to.

*Takes a deep calming breath, and cools down*


I'm going, with or without the class, and that's final.


Author's update, later into the day: Hmm. Apparently, one would need to attend every single class till we set off for Vegas, to qualify for going. I suppose I would have been alright if I was told when the schedule first came out; I would have seriously considered making the effort to go to every single class but... Now, hearing it like that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So what about the new friends who would want to attend? *Shrugs* I guess I'll be braving U.S of A on my lonesome.

Sparks...

Just something that came into mind when I was chatting with Jasmine.

Sparks... Not just the place we first met in *grins*, it was also there in our 5 years together.

When I said sparks, I didn't mean it simply being the sparks flying and the intense chemistry, but also sparks that could ignite gunpowder.

Anger and passion, that we had plenty, no matter how deluded your memory of our relationship is now.

I remember very well...

We did love each other terribly much, even though you now say that you apparently never stopped loving her.



I looked so different 5 1/2 years ago *grins*.


No worries, I'm reminiscing about our times together as a memory, is all. I would never give up what I've experienced in the past 10 months. =)