My biggest flaw right now, is my overwhelming sense of insecurity, in myself, and in others.
I exude a sense of confidence whenever I'm conversing with someone, but that's only because I speak well, and have enough street and worldly knowledge to hold my own.
When it comes to dating someone, I get flustered and insecure at the first signs of irregularity and unbalance.
I've been dating this French guy, Olivier, recently, and it had been going pretty well. Outside of our first date, of which we spent 6.5 hours together, we've only hung out at his place where he either cooked, or I brought dinner over.
It was quaint. It was nice. It was very comfortable. It reminded me of Mike. O and I just spoke on the phone for 45minutes after yet another miscommunication and difference in style, which led us to not meeting up for the 2nd week in a row.
I shouldn't, and couldn't, blame him for the way he likes to handle his schedule, because that's the way he wants to live his life right now - one day at a time, after his 8 years relationship had just ended earlier this year. Sometimes he wakes up feeling depressed, and it's hard to shake it off, and when I woke up late today and didn't text him in time, he made plans for the rest of his day despite us confirming it last night. While I do not agree with the way he's handled things, I recognised it as a coping mechanism, something I'm painfully acquainted with.
What scared me was how I've came to be reliant on him, after such a short time(even for me). That when after all was said and done, and I laid crying on my bed, I finally realised I'd let myself be so emotional over O, because he was like a cross between Mike and Randy - not wild, not a bad boy, like a tall and handsome stable rock, a lot like Mike was, but also filled with emotional issues, just like Randy was.
I've been drowning in a sea of loneliness and uncertainties, and O was the first proper rock that came by that I could tether myself to. I suppose it's for the better that I had the semi-breakdown, because that's probably not a road I would like to travel down.
It was a lot easier when a few weeks ago, I was on first dates with O and a few other guys, and I generally did not give a shit. I should not have started to make a choice that early.
I'm just lonely. I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. I probably never will, not until I find that true rock in my life.
Wilson is a safer choice, even if we don't end up seriously dating - I'll talk about W another time; I'm still trying to come into terms with the fact that I was emotionally reliant on O, and not because I actually do like like him.
I mean, I shouldn't be, right? 3 days on now, and I barely think about him anymore. And not when it still tears me up inside whenever I think about Mike. And not when I also have some fuzzy feelings for W. And then again, how do I feel about Mike, now? How could love still be love, after the 7th breakup? You take something apart often enough, and eventually it will not resemble the pure form it was presented in, at its very beginning. Yet I miss Mike with a terrible vengeance, that it hurts, physically.
Sigh, I don't know. I don't know anything, anymore. I hate that I allow men to have so much sway over me. I have so little friends left because of my issues, that even my closest friend is leaving me behind. I have no man, and my family life is in shambles. It's all rather pathetic right now, but I'm glad for the little things that keeps me moving on, and the people who still sincerely want me in their lives as a friend.
I just need to persevere on.
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Saturday, August 08, 2015
Thursday, July 02, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
A Blind Eye
I haven't been on this blog for over 2.5 years, so why not jump right back into it, and continue writing about my relationship woes?
I've tried writing into a notebook on my daily whimsical thoughts, ideas, and such, but the book proved to be too bulky and cumbersome over the months - So it's now relegated to the bottom drawer of my office desk.
2 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man, Randy McG., whom, a few dates in, after I've already fell hook, line and sinker, told me that he is married, but separated, soon-to-be divorced. I believed him, because I was desperate for companionship, and he was so good to me, and charming, and intelligent.
Long story short, I had a nightmare year with him, where after months and months of turning a blind eye to the dozens of girls texting him and exchanging naked photos, I sunk into depression and severe alcoholism, due to his serial cheating and constant need to lie. That and he was never going to leave his wife. I almost took a plunge from the window sill in my kitchen - It was a wake-up call for me then, and I went on dating apps to try to move on from the whole situation.
It took a few tries and some really bad times, but with a 2 weeks' trip to US and a really disastrous trip with Randy, I finally moved on - I met Mike T.
Mike and I had our first date just slightly over 1 year ago, in fact, we just wished each other happy anniversary last week or so. He was this awkward, geeky, tall, smart and handsome man - My perfect type. Only problem was, he was a lot older than my usual dating pool - and I actually do like them older - He was 50.
Thankfully, though, Mike looked nothing like his age, and after hours of talking about music on our first date, we subsequently went on a second date, then a 3rd, 4th, 5th etc, and Saturdays unofficially became our date nights. I started staying over at his place on date nights, we started being comfortable just being around each other. I had my own toothbrush in his bathroom, and we talked about getting some toiletries for me to use whenever I stayed over.
Randy was finally cast away from my mind like the fading nightmare that he was.
Then, the problems started creeping in. Mike was a little resistant towards giving our relationship a name, even though we were exclusive and seeing each other regularly. I took it in stride, calling him my Pseudo Boyfriend, but we had our first break up just right after I came back from the US, whilst he was still in Vanuatu. I can't remember the reason for that breakup, but it was probably something to the effect of not wanting a messy breakup, because of our age differences, and whatnot.
Anyway. So we broke up. That was Breakup #1. Throughout the months, we would break up with each other, only to either: 1) Regret our decisions the moment we meet up to break up proper/pass me back my stuff, or 2), go by days or weeks of separation before one of us caves and texts "I miss you". Repeat #2 to #6.
We just had Breakup #7, to which I've told him not 3 weeks ago that if he really wants to give us a shot again, he has to do this right, and do right by me, because there won't be a Breakup #8.
Then 3 days ago I made the drunken mistake of sending Mike a video telling him that I love him, hoping it will secretly make him happy(like he said it did when I told him before), but instead, he ran.
Mike ran, as always.
I've always turned a blind eye (of sorts) to how he goes back on dating sites almost immediately each time after we breakup - Breakup #6 happened also when Mike was back in the US, and he subsequently hopped back onto a site(Match.com?), and lined up a date for when he returned back to SG less than 2 weeks later.
Between break ups #4 to #6, I had to tell Mike that if we ever break up again, he needs to give it time, a mourning period if you may, before he tries to go on dates again. It's honestly that bad that I had to request this of him, which evidently, did not stick.
I turned a blind eye to the girls he added to his Facebook, to which I was removed from literally less than an hour after Breakup #6, because "it will be too painful to look at your posts". I was never added back, but I could see from his activities and recently added friends, that he's been busy - I know some of them are from dating sites. They get to be on his Facebook, whilst his ex-girlfriend of one year, did not.
Editor's note: M texts girls he has met on dating sites (but not went on a date with, yet) whenever we're on a break. I've never pursued the issue because the messages were innocuous enough, but still enough to raise a red flag at the back of my mind. As the Chinese proverb goes, 无风不起浪。If there is no wind, there would be no waves in the sea.
I know I sound overly suspicious, and that I check up on him, but I've never made a real fuss for Mike to explain himself. I let lax the instant he resisted.
I was desperate for Mike to love me. Now I know he never will, because that's just how he is.
Despite the niggling realisation that I'd become a spare tire, I refused to believe that my sweet, geeky and insecure Mikey could be a jerk.
My sweet, sweet Mikey who always catered to my whims on where to go on date nights, always trying to find something new and interesting for us to check out, who never really once lost his temper at me, even when I was being hormonal and bitchy, who always cuddled me when I asked for it, who got me belated "Valenmas" presents to surprise me, even though he isn't the romantic type. Whom always made me feel so safe in his arms.
I refused to believe that Mike had become a jerk who was perpetually putting out hooks into the sea, hoping for the right one to bite - But in the interim, when he got lonely, when he missed the companionship, when he longed for my soft skin, he returned to me, time and again - the Jenny Jen Jen, Cage, Granny, the loving Jennifer who always welcomed him back with open arms.
To him, I was prolly a safety net of sorts. Jen is comfort, Jen is familiarity, Jen is fun. Jen will always take him back. Jen is a bit of everything good, but just not enough of everything right.
To me, Love IS comfort, Love IS familiarity, Love IS fun. Love is always forgiving and always welcoming. Love is imperfect and a constant work-in-progress.
I turned a blind eye against Mike's flaws, and fell in love with his little imperfections; my sweet, gentle, smelly Daddy Bear. I should have cut my losses and left before I fell deeper in love.
Yet, it wasn't all woes. Mike did also make me realise that I DO deserve a better man, instead of being content with the basic criterias of being single and does not cheat.
I deserve better, and I WAS getting better, especially during the three weeks of our last separation. I was doing a lot better at loving myself more, but after letting this happen time after time, I'm apparently not doing well enough.
It's back to square one now, and as much as it pains me, I admit that I should have let Mike go when I recognised the fact that he will always be a runner, no matter if we would have been right for each other or not. I should have gave up trying months ago. I mean, he gave up. Despite always coming back to me, he was not the Mikey I knew and loved.
Please just let me find the strength - I've been so deliriously happy the last couple of weeks. There was a glimmer of hope that Mike had finally started behaving like the loving Mike I knew, and I finally got to meet his family just last week. This simply shattered me, when I thought there was nothing left to shatter. When I thought I was already jaded when it came to him.
We shall never be again, I cannot let it be again, and I need the strength to let it all go, and rise up from the ashes, because I am still the little engine that could.
P.S: Gawd. I so need a smoke right now, but I'm 33 days smoke-free, and by god I'm going to stick to it.
I've tried writing into a notebook on my daily whimsical thoughts, ideas, and such, but the book proved to be too bulky and cumbersome over the months - So it's now relegated to the bottom drawer of my office desk.
2 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man, Randy McG., whom, a few dates in, after I've already fell hook, line and sinker, told me that he is married, but separated, soon-to-be divorced. I believed him, because I was desperate for companionship, and he was so good to me, and charming, and intelligent.
Long story short, I had a nightmare year with him, where after months and months of turning a blind eye to the dozens of girls texting him and exchanging naked photos, I sunk into depression and severe alcoholism, due to his serial cheating and constant need to lie. That and he was never going to leave his wife. I almost took a plunge from the window sill in my kitchen - It was a wake-up call for me then, and I went on dating apps to try to move on from the whole situation.
It took a few tries and some really bad times, but with a 2 weeks' trip to US and a really disastrous trip with Randy, I finally moved on - I met Mike T.
Mike and I had our first date just slightly over 1 year ago, in fact, we just wished each other happy anniversary last week or so. He was this awkward, geeky, tall, smart and handsome man - My perfect type. Only problem was, he was a lot older than my usual dating pool - and I actually do like them older - He was 50.
Thankfully, though, Mike looked nothing like his age, and after hours of talking about music on our first date, we subsequently went on a second date, then a 3rd, 4th, 5th etc, and Saturdays unofficially became our date nights. I started staying over at his place on date nights, we started being comfortable just being around each other. I had my own toothbrush in his bathroom, and we talked about getting some toiletries for me to use whenever I stayed over.
Randy was finally cast away from my mind like the fading nightmare that he was.
Then, the problems started creeping in. Mike was a little resistant towards giving our relationship a name, even though we were exclusive and seeing each other regularly. I took it in stride, calling him my Pseudo Boyfriend, but we had our first break up just right after I came back from the US, whilst he was still in Vanuatu. I can't remember the reason for that breakup, but it was probably something to the effect of not wanting a messy breakup, because of our age differences, and whatnot.
Anyway. So we broke up. That was Breakup #1. Throughout the months, we would break up with each other, only to either: 1) Regret our decisions the moment we meet up to break up proper/pass me back my stuff, or 2), go by days or weeks of separation before one of us caves and texts "I miss you". Repeat #2 to #6.
We just had Breakup #7, to which I've told him not 3 weeks ago that if he really wants to give us a shot again, he has to do this right, and do right by me, because there won't be a Breakup #8.
Then 3 days ago I made the drunken mistake of sending Mike a video telling him that I love him, hoping it will secretly make him happy(like he said it did when I told him before), but instead, he ran.
Mike ran, as always.
I've always turned a blind eye (of sorts) to how he goes back on dating sites almost immediately each time after we breakup - Breakup #6 happened also when Mike was back in the US, and he subsequently hopped back onto a site(Match.com?), and lined up a date for when he returned back to SG less than 2 weeks later.
Between break ups #4 to #6, I had to tell Mike that if we ever break up again, he needs to give it time, a mourning period if you may, before he tries to go on dates again. It's honestly that bad that I had to request this of him, which evidently, did not stick.
I turned a blind eye to the girls he added to his Facebook, to which I was removed from literally less than an hour after Breakup #6, because "it will be too painful to look at your posts". I was never added back, but I could see from his activities and recently added friends, that he's been busy - I know some of them are from dating sites. They get to be on his Facebook, whilst his ex-girlfriend of one year, did not.
Editor's note: M texts girls he has met on dating sites (but not went on a date with, yet) whenever we're on a break. I've never pursued the issue because the messages were innocuous enough, but still enough to raise a red flag at the back of my mind. As the Chinese proverb goes, 无风不起浪。If there is no wind, there would be no waves in the sea.
I know I sound overly suspicious, and that I check up on him, but I've never made a real fuss for Mike to explain himself. I let lax the instant he resisted.
I was desperate for Mike to love me. Now I know he never will, because that's just how he is.
Despite the niggling realisation that I'd become a spare tire, I refused to believe that my sweet, geeky and insecure Mikey could be a jerk.
My sweet, sweet Mikey who always catered to my whims on where to go on date nights, always trying to find something new and interesting for us to check out, who never really once lost his temper at me, even when I was being hormonal and bitchy, who always cuddled me when I asked for it, who got me belated "Valenmas" presents to surprise me, even though he isn't the romantic type. Whom always made me feel so safe in his arms.
I refused to believe that Mike had become a jerk who was perpetually putting out hooks into the sea, hoping for the right one to bite - But in the interim, when he got lonely, when he missed the companionship, when he longed for my soft skin, he returned to me, time and again - the Jenny Jen Jen, Cage, Granny, the loving Jennifer who always welcomed him back with open arms.
To him, I was prolly a safety net of sorts. Jen is comfort, Jen is familiarity, Jen is fun. Jen will always take him back. Jen is a bit of everything good, but just not enough of everything right.
To me, Love IS comfort, Love IS familiarity, Love IS fun. Love is always forgiving and always welcoming. Love is imperfect and a constant work-in-progress.
I turned a blind eye against Mike's flaws, and fell in love with his little imperfections; my sweet, gentle, smelly Daddy Bear. I should have cut my losses and left before I fell deeper in love.
Yet, it wasn't all woes. Mike did also make me realise that I DO deserve a better man, instead of being content with the basic criterias of being single and does not cheat.
I deserve better, and I WAS getting better, especially during the three weeks of our last separation. I was doing a lot better at loving myself more, but after letting this happen time after time, I'm apparently not doing well enough.
It's back to square one now, and as much as it pains me, I admit that I should have let Mike go when I recognised the fact that he will always be a runner, no matter if we would have been right for each other or not. I should have gave up trying months ago. I mean, he gave up. Despite always coming back to me, he was not the Mikey I knew and loved.
Please just let me find the strength - I've been so deliriously happy the last couple of weeks. There was a glimmer of hope that Mike had finally started behaving like the loving Mike I knew, and I finally got to meet his family just last week. This simply shattered me, when I thought there was nothing left to shatter. When I thought I was already jaded when it came to him.
We shall never be again, I cannot let it be again, and I need the strength to let it all go, and rise up from the ashes, because I am still the little engine that could.
P.S: Gawd. I so need a smoke right now, but I'm 33 days smoke-free, and by god I'm going to stick to it.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Lies versus Paranoia.
Author's note: Hey Nanda! I am honoured that my past posts actually made you cry for me... But don't worry, I don't think my depression's coming back anytime soon, thus, no more tears! :P
You're either a competent liar, or I'm being paranoid.
Everytime I force myself to let you go bit by bit, you come back into my life looking so fucking cute and making me laugh all the time. You make me think of getting a job in LA, settling down over there, and galloping into the sunset (boulevard?) with you.
Sigh.
Either ways, I've given up fighting this.
I'll be seeing you at the bitter end...
"Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing."
You're either a competent liar, or I'm being paranoid.
Everytime I force myself to let you go bit by bit, you come back into my life looking so fucking cute and making me laugh all the time. You make me think of getting a job in LA, settling down over there, and galloping into the sunset (boulevard?) with you.
Sigh.
Either ways, I've given up fighting this.
I'll be seeing you at the bitter end...
"Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing."
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Oh shit.
Yan is here to stay over tonight, and as she read my magazine, I was chattering on...
Yan: "*Cuts me off midword* You've been talking about your King I. more than you mention D tonight."
Me: "... Shit."
There weren't supposed to be any emotional attachments. Now I realise I'm turning possessive.
*Frowns*
On another note, I was checking my MySpace account earlier on, and I looked around and landed on D's page. Ok, FINE, I went into his profile because he's still YET to add me. Apparently, he's gonna meet up this girl he worked with at Hilary Duff's concert last year, and catch up. Also, every comment that D left for her since early last year was peppered with 'Miss you terribly love!' and 'catch up soon!!"
Coincidentally, I recall D once telling me about this girl he almost hooked up with at HD's concert, but didn't because he was the music director and had to maintain the level of professionalism.
How nice. I think about how I used to squeal when he calls me love, and I turn green around the gills. My heart feels so god-damn heavy and I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up. Bloody sick and tired of feeling like a yo-yo.
Now excuse me while I go slash my wrists.
Yan: "*Cuts me off midword* You've been talking about your King I. more than you mention D tonight."
Me: "... Shit."
There weren't supposed to be any emotional attachments. Now I realise I'm turning possessive.
*Frowns*
On another note, I was checking my MySpace account earlier on, and I looked around and landed on D's page. Ok, FINE, I went into his profile because he's still YET to add me. Apparently, he's gonna meet up this girl he worked with at Hilary Duff's concert last year, and catch up. Also, every comment that D left for her since early last year was peppered with 'Miss you terribly love!' and 'catch up soon!!"
Coincidentally, I recall D once telling me about this girl he almost hooked up with at HD's concert, but didn't because he was the music director and had to maintain the level of professionalism.
How nice. I think about how I used to squeal when he calls me love, and I turn green around the gills. My heart feels so god-damn heavy and I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up. Bloody sick and tired of feeling like a yo-yo.
Now excuse me while I go slash my wrists.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Missing you.
Author's note: I looked at the contrast of emotions between my latest 2 posts and all I could do was laugh bitterly while tears flooded my vision. I have a more detailed version of this post saved up for my eyes only, but this is what I am going to publish for public eyes...
A message I would never send to him:
Hey D.,
Never thought it'll hurt so bad to think about the fact that I'll prolly never get to meet you again, or even if/when one day I do get to go to LA, you probably would have forgotten about me.
I never got to tell you that I have a great interest in guitars too, because I was worried you'll tease me about it, or think that's the only reason why...
I saw you talking to Ying at the Drum Fest on Saturday and I waited impatiently for the introduction that never came.
I was esctatic when you finally introduced yourself to me at the Arena.
I looked at your guitar and secretly smiled.
I looked at your videos and I ask myself why I did not insist on seeing you for the one last night.
I would never forget your patented killer grin, especially the one you flashed for me the moment I put your french beret on your head.
I miss warming up your cold hands for you.
I miss your hazel green eyes that would turn grey and blue.
I miss the way you smell.
I love your look of concentration, no matter if it's when you're playing your guitar or otherwise.
I love how good it felt when you hugged me. You might be tall and lanky, but somehow... We fit.
I looked at your number in my handphone and I struggled not to text you. You're still on your flight back, after all.
Yeah, it's been fun for the 17 hours we've spent together cutie, and the few phone calls here and there, but damn if it isn't killing me now. I honestly didnt think it'll hurt so bad.
Your music unbelievable.
Your words unforgettable.
Your smile imprinted on my mind,
I'll gladly give up all that's mine.
Your touch engraved upon my skin,
Pricking at me like a pin.
Paths crossed, time lapsed -
Heart lost, gut wrenched.
Your presence had stained my soul...
Ab imo pectore,
Jennifer
A message I would never send to him:
Hey D.,
Never thought it'll hurt so bad to think about the fact that I'll prolly never get to meet you again, or even if/when one day I do get to go to LA, you probably would have forgotten about me.
I never got to tell you that I have a great interest in guitars too, because I was worried you'll tease me about it, or think that's the only reason why...
I saw you talking to Ying at the Drum Fest on Saturday and I waited impatiently for the introduction that never came.
I was esctatic when you finally introduced yourself to me at the Arena.
I looked at your guitar and secretly smiled.
I looked at your videos and I ask myself why I did not insist on seeing you for the one last night.
I would never forget your patented killer grin, especially the one you flashed for me the moment I put your french beret on your head.
I miss warming up your cold hands for you.
I miss your hazel green eyes that would turn grey and blue.
I miss the way you smell.
I love your look of concentration, no matter if it's when you're playing your guitar or otherwise.
I love how good it felt when you hugged me. You might be tall and lanky, but somehow... We fit.
I looked at your number in my handphone and I struggled not to text you. You're still on your flight back, after all.
Yeah, it's been fun for the 17 hours we've spent together cutie, and the few phone calls here and there, but damn if it isn't killing me now. I honestly didnt think it'll hurt so bad.
Your music unbelievable.
Your words unforgettable.
Your smile imprinted on my mind,
I'll gladly give up all that's mine.
Your touch engraved upon my skin,
Pricking at me like a pin.
Paths crossed, time lapsed -
Heart lost, gut wrenched.
Your presence had stained my soul...
I only wish you were here to fill this hole.
Ab imo pectore,
Jennifer
Monday, July 21, 2008
Rainy Monday... And my ink!
Sigh... Rainy Monday equates to sleepy Jen. Was late to work after maintaining a clean record for a week, argh.
Something drastic happened during 18-19th July 2008 and has deeply impacted my life. The shameful experience has scarred me so much that it hurts just to think about it, let say talk about it. Stn no: 2769... Sigh.
Thank you Ying, for being there for me. I wouldn't have made it without you. :)
RIGHT! So, about that ink. Well, it's finally done. Got it on Saturday evening and toiled 4 hours on the bloody chair.
I'd originally gotten the idea from this nymph...
Right, and then I told the tattooist that I want my nick 'Jenx' incorporated above the wings, with some vines twining from the nymph's arm and then branching out.
Sounds rather clean and neat and small, innit?
Well, Sean drew me the design on Saturday, and though it was kinda different from the idea I originally had and he couldn't add in my nick, I thought it wasn't bad.
Thus, I ended up with this... Although it IS going to be on me for life now, honest comments will still be well appreciated.
It's huge... I know! Everybody told me that, so I would appreciate comments on how it looks instead. Lol.
Something drastic happened during 18-19th July 2008 and has deeply impacted my life. The shameful experience has scarred me so much that it hurts just to think about it, let say talk about it. Stn no: 2769... Sigh.
Thank you Ying, for being there for me. I wouldn't have made it without you. :)
RIGHT! So, about that ink. Well, it's finally done. Got it on Saturday evening and toiled 4 hours on the bloody chair.
I'd originally gotten the idea from this nymph...
Right, and then I told the tattooist that I want my nick 'Jenx' incorporated above the wings, with some vines twining from the nymph's arm and then branching out.
Sounds rather clean and neat and small, innit?
Well, Sean drew me the design on Saturday, and though it was kinda different from the idea I originally had and he couldn't add in my nick, I thought it wasn't bad.
Thus, I ended up with this... Although it IS going to be on me for life now, honest comments will still be well appreciated.
It's huge... I know! Everybody told me that, so I would appreciate comments on how it looks instead. Lol.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
当我在强迫自己放弃，死心的时候，发现心里还有一盏灭不掉的灯，我不知该如何是好。。。
那算是一件好事， 还是一条死路? 就是心中的那一盏灯，和我天生的“执著”， 使得我对爱，对男人那么地浑然失措。
到现在，还不清楚是“看破”好，还是“迷惘”天真些。
29/06/2007, 20:20.
---
昨晚，我看到了不该看的东西。I saw something I shouldn't have saw last night.
不。其实不是不该看，而是不想看。No. It wasn't technically something I shouldn't have seen, just something I should have prepared myself for.
It was like those movie scenes whereby you walk up into a club and practically walked rightsmack into him while he's chatting up another girl, then he does the shifty-eyes-looking-everywhere-but-at-you trick. Looking past you when he inevitably has to greet you.
I still didn't think that was necessary... Men. Thus I got silly and drunk and made a fool outta myself.
I won't lie and say that I'm ok; I'm all torn up into shreds now and it hurts so bloody fucking much that everything in life has lost its favour and colours to me. That is why I go out every night to drink and numb my pain.
But now, instead of having to constantly wonder, I finally know... And my heart now has another hard layer of protection around it.
It would take more than being a gentleman, having a quirky English sense of humour, homemade breakfast and dinners and mindblowing sex, the ability to make me a contented woman or the ability to make me believe that I am too much of a woman for men to handle, to make me fall in love that easily again.
Rod: "Do you trust me? I don't mean it like, you know, but as a friend. Do you trust me?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Now I understand why he'd phrased it like that.
我行的. 请相信我. 我只需要多一点时间... I'll be okay =)
那算是一件好事， 还是一条死路? 就是心中的那一盏灯，和我天生的“执著”， 使得我对爱，对男人那么地浑然失措。
到现在，还不清楚是“看破”好，还是“迷惘”天真些。
29/06/2007, 20:20.
---
昨晚，我看到了不该看的东西。I saw something I shouldn't have saw last night.
不。其实不是不该看，而是不想看。No. It wasn't technically something I shouldn't have seen, just something I should have prepared myself for.
It was like those movie scenes whereby you walk up into a club and practically walked rightsmack into him while he's chatting up another girl, then he does the shifty-eyes-looking-everywhere-but-at-you trick. Looking past you when he inevitably has to greet you.
I still didn't think that was necessary... Men. Thus I got silly and drunk and made a fool outta myself.
I won't lie and say that I'm ok; I'm all torn up into shreds now and it hurts so bloody fucking much that everything in life has lost its favour and colours to me. That is why I go out every night to drink and numb my pain.
But now, instead of having to constantly wonder, I finally know... And my heart now has another hard layer of protection around it.
It would take more than being a gentleman, having a quirky English sense of humour, homemade breakfast and dinners and mindblowing sex, the ability to make me a contented woman or the ability to make me believe that I am too much of a woman for men to handle, to make me fall in love that easily again.
Rod: "Do you trust me? I don't mean it like, you know, but as a friend. Do you trust me?"
Me: "Yes, I do."
Now I understand why he'd phrased it like that.
我行的. 请相信我. 我只需要多一点时间... I'll be okay =)
Friday, April 27, 2007
TGIF again!
Who don't love Fridays? Thing is, the days are moving along at such a speed(though 9am-6pm will never end fast enough) that it frightens me.
Oh, the horrors of a woman past 20. I dread my coming birthday on 3rd October, because I won't be able to declare myself "Forever 21" anymore. Not honestly, at least.
Sigh.
Just had a particularly sinful lunch of Oishi Pizza's party combo with the boys and the ladies. There were 9 of us, but there's still 1 1/2 pizzas left over. Oh dear. I guess thats the reason why I'm putting my Art of Eating Snake© to good use right now.
Sometimes I wonder. I took the initiative to know the boys (for Jenny's sake, lol) and asked them to join us for lunches. Yet now, I seem the one least 'close', for a lack of better words.
I definitely can derive several reasons: I'm not as goh goh di/manja as the other ladies, not as daring, and not as slim and pretty as them. Whenever I try to act cute or manja, I just... can't. I'm much younger than the OLs, but I end up the big sister figure, again.
I will be officially old in a couple of years. I don't want to be a constant big sister figure. If you read my friendster, alot of my guy friends always call me 大姐. I was close to them because I'm a good buddy in their eyes.
I just wanna be a girl. Not the cynical bitch currently typing this entry.
I'm genuinely a caring and friendly person and all that rot, yet I always end up the girl in the background. 'Cos seriously, who would bother? Let's just face the facts yea - I'm simply not attractive or daring enough to garner attention.
More to the point, in life, in work, similar things happen to me. In several incidents, whereby I was entitled to certain things, or promised to be part of something, where finally, something good was about to happen to me, someone else would come into the picture and more or less demand or 'request insistently' to take over or be part of it.
I would hum and haw, and finally be pushed off, because, oh, "Jennifer is nice. She would understand."
Well I DON'T want to understand! If you ask me whether its my jealousy rearing its ugly head, I would answer I don't know.
But, what I do know is that, minus-ing my bad points, I would be a considerate, caring, friendly, blah bla blah girl in most people's mind.
I'm bloody sick of it. What's the soddin' use? Good guys always finish last.
Anywayyys, moving on to more mundane subjects, yours truly have straightened her hair to how it was always supposed to be!
It isn't exactly ramrod straight since I did soft straightening, but I guess I kinda like it.
Yea, my hair can't hide my chubby face anymore =(
And a look more befitting my mood as of late. See lah, Mr Yat! Got influenced by you =
Hmm. I like the 2nd look. Lemme take out my bottle of black nailpolish and my darker makeups and experiment ;)~
Oh, the horrors of a woman past 20. I dread my coming birthday on 3rd October, because I won't be able to declare myself "Forever 21" anymore. Not honestly, at least.
Sigh.
Just had a particularly sinful lunch of Oishi Pizza's party combo with the boys and the ladies. There were 9 of us, but there's still 1 1/2 pizzas left over. Oh dear. I guess thats the reason why I'm putting my Art of Eating Snake© to good use right now.
Sometimes I wonder. I took the initiative to know the boys (for Jenny's sake, lol) and asked them to join us for lunches. Yet now, I seem the one least 'close', for a lack of better words.
I definitely can derive several reasons: I'm not as goh goh di/manja as the other ladies, not as daring, and not as slim and pretty as them. Whenever I try to act cute or manja, I just... can't. I'm much younger than the OLs, but I end up the big sister figure, again.
I will be officially old in a couple of years. I don't want to be a constant big sister figure. If you read my friendster, alot of my guy friends always call me 大姐. I was close to them because I'm a good buddy in their eyes.
I just wanna be a girl. Not the cynical bitch currently typing this entry.
I'm genuinely a caring and friendly person and all that rot, yet I always end up the girl in the background. 'Cos seriously, who would bother? Let's just face the facts yea - I'm simply not attractive or daring enough to garner attention.
More to the point, in life, in work, similar things happen to me. In several incidents, whereby I was entitled to certain things, or promised to be part of something, where finally, something good was about to happen to me, someone else would come into the picture and more or less demand or 'request insistently' to take over or be part of it.
I would hum and haw, and finally be pushed off, because, oh, "Jennifer is nice. She would understand."
Well I DON'T want to understand! If you ask me whether its my jealousy rearing its ugly head, I would answer I don't know.
But, what I do know is that, minus-ing my bad points, I would be a considerate, caring, friendly, blah bla blah girl in most people's mind.
I'm bloody sick of it. What's the soddin' use? Good guys always finish last.
Anywayyys, moving on to more mundane subjects, yours truly have straightened her hair to how it was always supposed to be!
It isn't exactly ramrod straight since I did soft straightening, but I guess I kinda like it.
Yea, my hair can't hide my chubby face anymore =(
And a look more befitting my mood as of late. See lah, Mr Yat! Got influenced by you =
Hmm. I like the 2nd look. Lemme take out my bottle of black nailpolish and my darker makeups and experiment ;)~
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