当我在强迫自己放弃，死心的时候，发现心里还有一盏灭不掉的灯，我不知该如何是好。。。



那算是一件好事， 还是一条死路? 就是心中的那一盏灯，和我天生的“执著”， 使得我对爱，对男人那么地浑然失措。


到现在，还不清楚是“看破”好，还是“迷惘”天真些。



29/06/2007, 20:20.

---

昨晚，我看到了不该看的东西。I saw something I shouldn't have saw last night.

不。其实不是不该看，而是不想看。No. It wasn't technically something I shouldn't have seen, just something I should have prepared myself for.

It was like those movie scenes whereby you walk up into a club and practically walked rightsmack into him while he's chatting up another girl, then he does the shifty-eyes-looking-everywhere-but-at-you trick. Looking past you when he inevitably has to greet you.

I still didn't think that was necessary... Men. Thus I got silly and drunk and made a fool outta myself.

I won't lie and say that I'm ok; I'm all torn up into shreds now and it hurts so bloody fucking much that everything in life has lost its favour and colours to me. That is why I go out every night to drink and numb my pain.


But now, instead of having to constantly wonder, I finally know... And my heart now has another hard layer of protection around it.


It would take more than being a gentleman, having a quirky English sense of humour, homemade breakfast and dinners and mindblowing sex, the ability to make me a contented woman or the ability to make me believe that I am too much of a woman for men to handle, to make me fall in love that easily again.




Rod: "Do you trust me? I don't mean it like, you know, but as a friend. Do you trust me?"


Me: "Yes, I do."




Now I understand why he'd phrased it like that.



我行的. 请相信我. 我只需要多一点时间... I'll be okay =)