Insecurities.

My biggest flaw right now, is my overwhelming sense of insecurity, in myself, and in others.

I exude a sense of confidence whenever I'm conversing with someone, but that's only because I speak well, and have enough street and worldly knowledge to hold my own.

When it comes to dating someone, I get flustered and insecure at the first signs of irregularity and unbalance.

I've been dating this French guy, Olivier, recently, and it had been going pretty well. Outside of our first date, of which we spent 6.5 hours together, we've only hung out at his place where he either cooked, or I brought dinner over.

It was quaint. It was nice. It was very comfortable. It reminded me of Mike. O and I just spoke on the phone for 45minutes after yet another miscommunication and difference in style, which led us to not meeting up for the 2nd week in a row.

I shouldn't, and couldn't, blame him for the way he likes to handle his schedule, because that's the way he wants to live his life right now - one day at a time, after his 8 years relationship had just ended earlier this year. Sometimes he wakes up feeling depressed, and it's hard to shake it off, and when I woke up late today and didn't text him in time, he made plans for the rest of his day despite us confirming it last night. While I do not agree with the way he's handled things, I recognised it as a coping mechanism, something I'm painfully acquainted with.

What scared me was how I've came to be reliant on him, after such a short time(even for me). That when after all was said and done, and I laid crying on my bed, I finally realised I'd let myself be so emotional over O, because he was like a cross between Mike and Randy - not wild, not a bad boy, like a tall and handsome stable rock, a lot like Mike was, but also filled with emotional issues, just like Randy was.

I've been drowning in a sea of loneliness and uncertainties, and O was the first proper rock that came by that I could tether myself to. I suppose it's for the better that I had the semi-breakdown, because that's probably not a road I would like to travel down.

It was a lot easier when a few weeks ago, I was on first dates with O and a few other guys, and I generally did not give a shit. I should not have started to make a choice that early.

I'm just lonely. I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. I probably never will, not until I find that true rock in my life.

Wilson is a safer choice, even if we don't end up seriously dating - I'll talk about W another time; I'm still trying to come into terms with the fact that I was emotionally reliant on O, and not because I actually do like like him. 

I mean, I shouldn't be, right? 3 days on now, and I barely think about him anymore. And not when it still tears me up inside whenever I think about Mike. And not when I also have some fuzzy feelings for W. And then again, how do I feel about Mike, now? How could love still be love, after the 7th breakup? You take something apart often enough, and eventually it will not resemble the pure form it was presented in, at its very beginning. Yet I miss Mike with a terrible vengeance, that it hurts, physically.

Sigh, I don't know. I don't know anything, anymore. I hate that I allow men to have so much sway over me. I have so little friends left because of my issues, that even my closest friend is leaving me behind. I have no man, and my family life is in shambles. It's all rather pathetic right now, but I'm glad for the little things that keeps me moving on, and the people who still sincerely want me in their lives as a friend.

I just need to persevere on.

(Han) Solo drinkers

At E.Pachi supporting Ni, since I wanted a drink anyway. There's this one other guy who's also at the al fresco area right now, and we're both solo.

I'm drinking alone because I hate to be home and face the hostility - I wonder what's his story?

Something frivolous to muse over.  I often find solidarity in fellow lone drinkers; there is always a story.

Maybe I should have become a bartender. They get the most interesting stories of them all.

---

Editor's note, 8.58pm: Ah, so he's not flying solo like me, his girl friends were just really late. Oh well.

Being Jennifer Lim.

Today is another of those days at work that I sadly have absolutely nothing to do, so there I was earlier on, sitting at the reception area chatting idly to my colleague.

Our newspaper vendor's despatch was there, delivering a copy of the Financial News that was apparently missing from our usual order. During the lull in my prattle about nothing and everything, I'd absentmindly watch the despatch guy wait for the lift in the lift lobby, before walking into one with a distinct limp.

That was when I realised, hey, I'm pretty fortunate. Yeah, so what if I'm not that pretty? I mean, to some, yes, I might be beautiful, but to most, I'm categorised somewhere in the middle, which is made obvious when I'm around my gorgeous girlfriends.

I have Ying, Amanda, Jeannette, Suyi, and Yuqi who recently joined the fold. Within this 2 groups of girlfriends, they have the market on Hot, Sexy, Gorgeous, Beautiful, and Cute, cornered. I was, and am, always the one that guys' glances often passed over on, to which I suppose is because I'm somewhat neither here nor there of what they look for in a woman. *Shrugs*

The amount of guys that hit on me in a year can be easily counted with 1 hand, and perhaps with another hand if I get lucky, while that amount can be easily beat by most of my gfs within, say, a few months? Some of them still look upon me as the 'guru', but I don't think I deserve that title. I've just been in the scene longer than they did, that's all. Frankly, it's more likely that I'm living my life vicariously through them now, what with the multitude of new men they meet every week.

So what if I get passed over for my girlfriends 80% of the time, even though hanging out with my girls are the only times I get to meet new guys/friends? So what if men that I knew first, now prefer the company of my gfs that I've introduced them to? I might be 'ill-fated' to have gorgeous girlfriends, but I honestly can't complain. They are dear to me, and I'm glad they have the attention they get. They deserve it.

Anyway, my point is - I've came to realise today that, I'm not exactly a troll myself. Moreover, I don't have any physical or mental disabilities that plague some unfortunate souls. Why should I be complaining? I'm still a lil taken aback at this realisation that I shouldn't have felt competitive or undermined; To actually feel contented to being just me, even if this feeling lasts only one day... It ain't half-bad. *Grins*

This is me - The tall but not-as-tall, volumptuous but not-so-slim, pretty but not-as-beautiful, interesting but not-as-fun Jennifer Lim.



And I'm pretty alright with that. ;)

Wow.

Is Jen back in the blogging circle?

Idk. The idiosyncrasies of my life seem so shallow and frivolous to blog about, yet so much has happened ever since my last official post in Nov/Dec that it has shaped my life differently all over again.

I just feel like I'm slowly stripped of my identity and I'm not sure if I'm fit to write about myself when I have no idea what I've become.