Ho hum.

From James Marsters' official website :

NEWS FLASH 7/25/05
Sorry for the late announcement (was on vacation) - Yes, James is set to play the recurring role of “Agent Dox” on the hit WB series “Smallville”. He is very happy to be working with the talented creative writers, producers and actors on this show. Thank you to all of you who voiced your support and (quite frankly) screw the nay sayers who think they know better :-) To any of you concerned that this will affect the Toronto or London dates, don’t worry, James is contractually cleared for these dates.
Steve Himber

*Press her palm above her heart, lips forming a small "O", arches her left brow and gives a look*

Wow, I think I kinda fall into the nay sayer column for having doubts. So some of us aren't blind fans are called that. *Sniffles* I still support him in the role you know... *Pouts* Meanie Stevie.

Pah. Like I actually care about what he posted on the official site. For someone with such a fanbase, I think even we fans ourselves have to agree it's more like a nicely done job by a fan, and not professionals.

Which is completely fine by me. JM don't even own a PC. That's one of the reasons why I simply adore and love him. He is just...

Perfect.

(P.S: My Wolverine and Simpson Pez dispensers arrived today. The Simpson one got damaged in mail. BAH.
Anyone wanna give away or sell their Pez collection cheap? TAG ME! ;)
FYI - Pez dispensers are those containers dispensers, that, you know, dispense.. Pez candy? Lol. If you're around my age, it's something you would buy when you're young.)


Have you ever felt happiness suffuse all the cells in your body and a smile light up your face?

(Yes, I'm too lazy to post a proper quote. So sue me! Anyway, I'm not feeling the quote at all. The daily 9.30am drillings NEVER ends...)

Freaking damn!

What a great morning. Got woke up 1hour ago by the drillings by the occupants right above my house.

Wanted to take a sip of my Coke left over from yesterday night on my desk, and I didn't dare to. Had a bad case of fright when I found a live cockroach in my Pepsi a couple of years ago, when I left it on the living room table.

Barely had 5 1/2 hours of sleep too. Didn't help that the drillings seem to be right above my room. Tried wearing my headphone and blasting my mp3s, but since they're all R&B, Metal and Rock & Roll, I couldn't exactly go back to sleep either.

It's worst when I submitted this entry 10minutes ago to find out that I lost the internet connection and I had to retype this.

Grr! I feel like tearing my hair out! Sigh *rubs her neck* Good morning all.

James Marsters on Smallville.

Sigh... I don't know if I should be holding a party or a wake. James Marsters is going on Smallville to act as an recurring villian - Professor Milton Fine, better known as Brainiac.

I'm glad that there's more TV exposure for him now, so I would at least be able to download his episodes even if I can't see him on TV. It's also great that he gets to play a genius (because he is very intelligent in real life, and on BtVS and Angel, he WAS depicted as a poet with a high education, but since he got turned into a vampire, so most scenes showed his Big Bad attitude of trying to change 180degrees from his human past.)

Still, MUST HE BE GREEN AND HAVE HIS BRAINS GROWING OUT OF HIS HEAD?! For all the secrecy WB went to the extend for, we fans had think it would be a main role or co-star for a TV series. We wouldn't mind if its a small production; at least his abilities and talents will be recognised.

Not that he won't be the best Brainiac ever. He simply does every character well, from his regional theatre work and TV roles. I'll even bet he'll look sexy in green skin.

Funny huh? I seem to have a thing for much older men. John Travolta and James Marsters. Maybe they're the only kind that are man enough to handle a self-sufficient woman of substance like me. *Rolls eyes at herself* Doesn't work on those Uncles and Ah-Peks in Singapore tho. Lol.

James Wesley Marsters is undoubtly one of the most constant, the most talented and most magnificant actor I've ever seen. I am not kidding or simply swooning over him!

It's saddening that with his success and fan base, his next major role is only a recurring guest star villian. Makes me worry a little when he's already 43... Sigh. Not fair at all! *prays*

I guess us fans should just be contented that it is Smallville, afterall. And he doesn't have to be forced to do immoral scenes on it like he had to do on Buffy. Let's hope that another popular TV series will be his stepping stone to rocket off his future.

Go James go! - Time to go out with Mel =) -

Shoe baton -.-?

Saw my tagboard that I got tagged by some shoe baton thingy. Went to check out aB's blog and saw what it's about so... *shrugs*

Total Number of Shoes you own:


10 pairs, as shown in the pic.

Others that I don't wear are not displayed =P Quite a pitiful collection for a 20year old, actually. Sandals, open-toe heels, sport shoes. Not even a decent pair of slippers for me to wear around my area!

The last shoe you bought:

Technically, all the shoes above are not bought with my own money. All are proudly sponsored by my mother, to the extend that boxes of shoes that apparently belong to me will appear in my room or the storeroom without my knowledge.

But I would say the white slip-ons are the latest pair.

How many shoes do you have underneath your work desk:

Back when I used to have a real work desk at work, 2 pairs. My current workdesk(home) has 3 pairs.

Five people to whom I'm passing this baton:

Uh... Not intending to pass it on, lol. Call me lazy, call me kind, call me spoilsport, but nah, not passing =P

ARGH! I CUT MY HAIR!

ARGH! I shouldn't have went to the saloon. My hair needs trimming badly, but I was bloody crazy to go along with ma mum. She always complained about how my hair is too long, that it needs to be cut short.

5 minutes of bantering and I managed to convince my mum that I only want a trim. Alright, so maybe I just got it cut 2 inches shorter, but its 1 inch too much!!!

I mean, look at this:



It used to be able to touch my waist, no problemo, and I usually bent my hand horizontally behind my back and I can play with my hair. UFF!

It really suck. It looks shorter especially when I look at it sideways.

My hair is my sodding life man! Every woman is entitled to their vanity and I devote 90% of it on my hair. My poor baby... *sobs*



Anyway, look at my hair colour. Dyed it a shade of copper red, and 2 months and a bottle of Loreal colour shampoo later, it became uh, brown? It's simply atrocious.

So anyway, read from the Straits Time that London got bombed again. I mean yea, it's a glory for the country to be able to hold the Olympics, but in my case, I'd rather not run for nominations if it means keeping my country out of danger. I really hate all this war and racists shit.

And T.T(lol, T.T...) Durai is really a poor thing. Singaporeans have the propensity to judge people and not think about the reasons behind every story. For what he'd give and done for NKF and the patients, I don't think people should judge on this incident to repudiate his honor and efforts.

Especially those who went to NKF to collect back their measly donations. These bleeding ostentatious bastards brought forth nothing but odium in my head. They can stop their monthly donations or change it to KDF whatever since the money eventually goes to the patients in need, but they're bloody stupid.

A shout-out to the uncle on the papers a while ago, who went to NKF and demanded $12 from the pockets of a staff when he'd only donated $6 in the first place - Segaiolo, cheap-skate poofter, shame on you!

Bah. Guess I'll go prepare for tomorrow. Yea, Mel's booking out. Till tomorrow then, arrivederci. (Okay, so you've seen some weird words like lei capisce, segaiolo, arrivederci. I'm picking up italian, so w00t?)



Well, poetry has been erotic, or amative, or something of that sort -- at least a vast deal of it has -- ever since it stopped being epic.

-Helen Deutsch

*Swoons*

Sigh. Isn't he a sight to behold?

Welcome to my daily recurring swooning sessions of James Marsters. Click Play on the music player on my blog to get into the mood ;)















Did I tell you that he plays a big part in motivating my life-long American dream?

I am serious about my ambitions. It's just James Marsters is one of the motivations for me to move my arse along faster, lei capisce?

I DON'T care that I sound like an uneducated airhead, but UGH, I want to have his baby! (Alright, maybe I just wish to be able to see J.M in person and befriend him, butttttt... Dreaming ain't wrong.)

Wow.

I actually just sat down at the dining table and had a little supper with my sis-in-law, while maintaining quite a civilised conversation.

And the world never ceases to amaze me in her changes. Wow.

:)

Ah, internet connection. Something I've learnt to appreciate over the past week. Lol.

Just got back 10mins ago from a chat with my younger god-bro of 6 years. He and some of my other schoolmates came downstairs for a drink so I went down to chat.

It's nice to have a friend who still cares... He contacts me once in awhile and I'm touched by his concern, when frankly, I haven't make much contact with any of my friends for the past few years.

Like he told me, it's better to hear words of encouragement from someone else, who isn't family or very close(a.k.a my boyfriend), as most of the time, they sound more like pushing than encouragement... Pushing always causes me to shut down.

He asked me to go to a rock performance thingy at esplanade tomorrow. I guess I might go since I'd intended to go to Bishan and town for a breathe of different air, and look for job opportunities at the same time.

I can't believe we actually chatted for 2hours... It felt like 1hour, tops. He's been thru alot of shit in his life too, so we can relate. We've had plenty of "god-bros" "god-sis" thing during sec sch(the trend, baby) but I guess it's affinity that we feel comfortable and at ease with each other.

It's saddening that I can't open up to Yan, my best friend of 7years now, like how I am with Alan. I love Yan, cos like I said, she's my sodding best friend for 7 bloody years, but I've ruined our relationship with that quarrel we had 1 year ago.

Things patched up, of course, but they aren't the same anymore. Pity...

I used to have shitloads of friends, but now I only have a handful of those who still cares about me and keeps in contact. And they are all males. *Lifts her right brow and gives a look*

Still, no complaints. Life is still okay to me despite the shit I'd done to it.

Oh well, Ima go read somemore while I have the internet connection, and then hit the sack. 'Night.


Yes, no quotes tonight!

Harsh light of the day.

Well, I got that title from an episode from BTVS, and technically, it's the early evening now, what with the sun setting and rain coming on, the sunlight's not that harsh.

Still, sometimes when I stare out the window, it makes me feel (again) that I don't belong. I only feel the serenity in the dark; I belong to the night.

It's not entirely because that I'm struting meaninglessly in life now. Not because I see all those people walking around with an aim, a motivation, when I don't.

When I used to work 8-5 at LTA, I still don't feel like it's it. I still prefer the early morning near dawn and the evening when the moon's coming up. The dark sky is sacrosanct to me.

I've been staying over at my sis's place for the last couple of days, because my I-poh came to stay again, occupying my room. Moreover, my youngest niece, Xinyi, got infected with the hand-foot-mouth disease, so I thought I should clear out for awhile.

I thoroughly enjoy my sis and nieces' company here(it's filled with oestrogen, baby!) . My sis dotes on me, my nieces are near my age (one 20, one 18) means some girl time even tho their bfs come by everyday, but most importantly, I can smoke all I want in the house, and behave more freely since we're close.

But... I still feel all empty inside. It's not caused by anyone. I just do. When I see myself, even in my memory, I no longer see the brightness that had been mine since young; I see the lined and irascible woman I have become, as if these lineaments had been waiting to emerge since my features had first been formed.

I'm no longer the ingenuous, happy girl who used to attract people with her spunk; I'm only an indolent and inferior woman, one of the faces in the crowd now, with the night, books, and isolation as my sporadic delectations.

I can practically hear a little voice at the back of my head snickering at me.

Why have I fallen so low? Sometimes I just feel so sick about myself and my life. I ought to deserve better than this.

Yes, I do deserve better than this so-called life I'm having. I don't care if it takes me years to achieve what other people my age have already achieved. I don't care how other people think about me, I don't care how my family thinks about me; Ima do it my way, nice and slow.

I live for only myself.


In a Dark Time
- Theodore Roethke

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree,
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall,
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.
Dark,dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

HA

Hah... I love weekends. People in my block that has their wireless connection turned on thru the night.

I miss Mel... Sigh. I had wanted to leave yesterday afternoon, but Mel's mum asked me to help fetch her daughter from school... Her 12 years old daughter whose school is only a 3minutes bus ride away from home -.-. Hell, I walked there! For a fat and lazy girl, that has got to mean something!

Had to wait with her for her friends at the bus stop and ended up staying till 4+. I still had stuff to transfer to his laptop, so when I was almost done, I ended up staying for the night.

Last night at his house without him was simply terrible. I don't want to go into details, but all I can say is I didn't have a comfortable time there. I didn't even sleep.

His dad was the only one nice to me. To my delight, he had thought I was going to continue staying there and apparently didn't mind. He was surprised when he saw me carrying my bags out. It made me feel alot better.

Sigh. Night time is the only moment I can find my solace, without the commotion and noise around my block, without the buzz of my family going about the house.

Everything in my room, my house, are so familiar, yet I feel so distant, like they aren't mine. Mel's room, or rather, our room, is my only sanctuary where I don't have to share with anyone but him.

Even though I've barely left there for 12 hours, I can already feel my sanctuary slipping away from me. His siblings, or his cousin, is going to barge in on our space, our big bed.

I feel like an outcast with nowhere to belong.



People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.

Sigh. TTFN.

This will probably be my last regular post since Mel's enlisting is in 7 hours' time. I've moved my stuff and the hamsters back to officially live at my place in AMK again, and I don't have a computer in my convenience.

Like I mentioned before, my antique PC is in 1 corner of my room collecting an impressive amount of dust.

I have not spoken to my mum ever since the quarrel where I ran out of the house in a huff. I haven't even mentioned to her that I would bring the hamsters back to rear. Mel drove me over just now to put down my stuff but she wasn't at home, so we didn't have a chance to talk with Mel by my side to comfort me.

God, I have to go home tomorrow, and I would have no one to talk/whine to if she decided to insult me and blame me for stuff I haven't done, like she always do.

Mel's gonna be in the army, and I won't be able to see him for 2 whole weeks.

Great. Now I feel like sobbing again.

This sucks.

Why do I bother? Why do I always bother?

Why do I always bother making Mel see my point? Why?

Doesn't he understand that our family status are way different?

I blame myself sometimes for not being to suppress the surge of indignation everytime he tell me everything in my life will be fine when I get a job.

He'd only worked 3 weeks in his 20years of life, just for more allowance, and he told me that once I find a job, just stick to it and work for years and years, and it'll all be fine. He'd never once have to work for money for his own living. He doesn't really understand the feeling of failing in life.

I'm not saying I should be pitied. God, I hate myself. It's all my own fault my life's messed up now, and I know it's up to me to change it. But I also know that life doesn't end when you don't complete or do well in your studies. It's the stumbling blocks when you're out of the education system and the adoring palms of your parents.

All he'd to worry in his life so far is having not enough money to spend, doing homework/school stuff, getting his next allowance and NS etc. My worries now? Learning to provide for my mother and myself. Learning to be independent when I've been such a dependent person my entire life.

Everytime he tells me it's just me who's not willing, he doesn't understand the factors as to why I hesitate. I failed my life once or twice already, and I admit, I've delayed planning for as long as I could, because I'm bloody frightened.

I'm scared of failing again. It hurts. It bloody hurts so much. I don't like being a sodding failure. Nobody does. I don't want to plunge and resurface a failure once again.

If it takes time for me to finally succeed in my life, bloody hell I would give it time. I've started to plan out my life pieces by pieces already; I'd really need his soft words of encouragement, not another long story of how simple things are, and how things are gonna work out if I do this, if I do that.

I bloody hell know what I need to do. Doesn't anyone know by now that I only need your encouragements, acknowledgements, and the gentle nudge to stand on the "Go" square? I'm FUCKING scared to fail and get laughed at again. I'm FUCKING FUCKING scared.

That's the problem about him that I hate - He always think that all matters are easy and simple to solve. See, want, take.

I've tried telling him the determination he has is praisable, but it's not pragmatic of him. Life isn't peachy for everyone. Not everyone has a family to fall back on, whether to find a job, or continue studying, etc etc.

It doesn't matter if he thinks he wants to be independent in the future, I damn well know that such words can only come from one with a comfortable life all along.

He thinks that I can find an office job easily if I want, but I did not complete my Poly. He has his ITE cert. I don't.

He's gonna come out from NS and work in a comfortable office. I have to troll my life away on measy low paying jobs or F&B/sales jobs. He can continue his studies if he wants to; I have to plan how to get the money for my studies, allowance and transport fees.

I have to avoid thinking about my American dreams because it fucking TEARS at me that I'll most probably not be able to achieve it.

Is it wrong of me to be angry at him? Yes, I'm somehow jealous that he has a better life and a better path infront of him; he can have just an O'Levels cert and never face the kind of problems I face. The option of asking his parents for monetary support is always there. It all sums down to dignity.

He told me his father can always give me monetary support if I really want to return to Poly, and he can help me with my allowance. What the bloody fuck do he think he is?

Frankly, my family will be able to see me thru if I really want to study further. It'll be a strain, but ultimately no problem with that. The only thing is, I'm 20years old and I want to do it on my own. I've disappointed my family too many times and it's time I get independent.

I'm not gonna whore my soul and obligations away; I still have my pride left. If I have a background like him, I will put down my pride and ask my parents for help. But I will NEVER, EVER turn to a non-blood related person for such help that will make me be obliged to and grateful for life.

Like I'm obliged to marry his son for sure, because of the "ren qing zhai"(indebted).

I'm not whining about this because of my dignity; It just feels too much like selling my soul. I can't make myself do it.

Do you get what I mean so far? It's just... He doesn't think of what it feels like to be in other people's shoes; He just thinks that "If it can happen this way for me, so can you!"

Like I mentioned above, everything to him is just see, want, take, see, want, take. He's just so confident of himself and his future.

I never meant to pour buckets of cold water on him like that, because I've always admired and envied his optimism. But it's not practical; It's never practical. Life isn't always sweet and dandy for everyone.

I may be overly pessimistic, but I have my reasons to. He'd never experienced the failure of flunking school and bad job opportunities. All he'd ever faced was doing bad in PSLE and failing N'Levels, resulting him in going into ITE straightaway.

God, I really want to succeed in my life, I really need that support from someone, but all I get from him is that life is just peachy. I know I have overeacted, but it made me jealous and angered at his atrocity to tell me such things when he will never have the worries that I have.

Argh, I wish I know what to do. After this whole chunk of ranting, I'm feeling better; I even feel sorry for being so harsh on him. Still, the heartache is enbeddled deep in my heart. The way he say things that made me feel belittled and small, as if it's nothing wrong at all, I don't think a small part of me can ever forgive him.

P.S: Forgive me for my mad, long ranting. I just meant to get it off my chest and I do know what I want to do in my life. I just need to start gaining my own experiences and strut on.

Don't need give me advices and stuff... Maybe just a simple "Jia you" to let me know that you care, will do. =)

Fantastic Four.

Just came back from watching "Fantastic Four".

It's great; I love all movies made from DC comics or Marvel comics, and after the show, we even started talking about all the superheros and super villians and all their skirmish, who killed who etc. It was fun.

Can't really bring myself to be happy tho. Seems like Mel's impending NS enlistment in 31hours is weighing me down.

My life will be soooo much different. No internet connection, back to staying at my house, working again, no company of Mel when I feel lonely or upset.

He'll book out in like, 2weeks, since he's enlisted on a Friday, so plus the weekend, it's considered a week itself.

I can't help but worry about what will happen within this 2 weeks. I might survive my bitchy sis-in-law, maybe escape my mum's rantings, most probably(and hopefully) find a job in my AMK area by the time he books out.

I will then go to his place to find him and have to surrender the laptop he promised to loan to me during this 2 weeks' period.

What do we do from now? Will Lady Luck finally decide to cut me some slack and smile down at me for a change? Will it be five by five for me?

Did I mention I was petrified in my previous entry? I'm also frightened, scared, terrified, and whatever words that exist in Thesaurus.

BAH

Damnit, Mel is getting on my nerves!

He's going NS on the 8th, and we went to Giant at IMM today to shop for his necessities. He kept making me choose the stuff he needs, like toiletries, food, and bag.

- Yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to rant about his testosterone overload, but I'm a nice girl. Too bad. -

Sigh. So yea, we got over our quarrel eventually, and we actually talked a bit just now. We talked about general sex(now now, don't go "Eeww!" like you're some tight-ass -pardon the pun- virgin who've never f*cked to save your life, for goodness sake. I'm 20, and most of u guys who read my blog are all of legal age), our parents, our lives and our views.

Truth to be told, we don't communicate that much. I'd like to talk to him about stuff like these, but he's those... Obsolete, typical Singaporean male, you know? It's hard to talk things to him without him going some sorta "Eew" on me and making me wince.

Sometimes, even with all the incredulous looks I shoot at him, he behaves like he has a prerogative over me; that I should do this, and should do that, because it'll be right.

The talk made me realise how worlds apart we are. Yea I know, it took me 3 bloody years for that piece of information to register. I guess I've always convinced myself it'll all work out.

I'm a passionate woman inside, with a propensity to turn all quixotic, but peer pressure and the society just scrunched me in a box and made me keep to my own, sculpturing me to become one of those conservative girls too. I'm always eager to learn and try all kinds of new things, but at the same time, I'm embarrassed because I was afraid people will laugh at me.(Because they're too chicken to admit they want it too.)

That's why I've wanted so much to try a life in U.S of A, because maybe in America, I can be vivacious, open up to my passions, and do what I want for a change, without having to undergo people's scrutinys.

Right before he dozed off to sleep, I asked him if he loves me. He mumbled a yes, and... I'm ashamed to say this, but at the same time, I need to record this down, I... My reply of "I love you" was autopilot; like it was obligations, I had to stutter and whisper it out.

It was not like the usual thud of my heart and the usual sincere reply. There was a thud, but it was more like a guilty thud...

When we were shopping at Giant earlier today, I saw some aftershave products and I smiled to myself how sexy I find men when they use them; aftershave smell practically oozes sexyness! It was then I also remembered that Mel couldn't grow a beard to save his life, and I was disappointed.

What the hell is happening to me? It felt like... I love Mel, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I love his knob of a chin, his perky small lips that a girl will die for, his silly grin, and his skinny torso, albeit a too skinny torso.

Maybe it's just a passing thing, and I love him, God, I love him, but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him anymore.


I'm petrified.


To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...
We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here-
with its gift of energy and heightened awareness-
so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation.

- Peter McWilliams

Stole quizzes from aB's blog again... Haha.

Your Birthdate: October 3

Being born on the 3rd day of the month is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. You are affectionate and loving, but sometimes too sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

Sia lah! 100% true!

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

---------------------------

You are a really good friend. You can be trusted
by your friends and you stand up for them. You
are the kind of friend most people want to
have.



Are you a good friend?
brought to you by Quizilla

Feeling a lil... Angsty.

Recently, when I read, it's all about BtVS. Their novels, or fanfics. Whatever.

I'm a huge BtVS fan as some of you might already know =) and thus from the show, James Marsters gained my respect and utmost love as the only celebrity I deeply admire.

I hope I don't have to go into an explaination again of how much I feel for him. I just don't know how. It's too abstruse, even for me. Just give me your acquiescence ;)

That pretty much explains the $100+ I've spent on his collectibles within the last 1 month on ebay.uk, even if most of the money went to postage.

'M Feeling a lil angsty now because at the end of BtVS Season 7 Sarah Michelle Gellar wanted to move out of the role, therefore not able to show up on AtS crossovers to settle the relationship problem with Spike (swoon). I was hoping for some sort of confrontation when J.M moved over to and resurrected on AtS.

If she could have made some guest appearances or signed on to BtVS for another season, I'm sure we Spuffy shippers would have gotten what we wanted. The AtS plot wouldn't have to make Buffy's and Spike's character "move on".

In fact, I'd just gotten myself a nice tub of chocolate ice cream which I seldom indulge in, to make myself happier.

Okay, fine, I'm like a total geek. I love all sorts of comics, I like collecting figurines, I like going to conventions(provided there is one in Singapore. Sigh), I'm a 101% BtVS/Spuffy shipper (worshipper for short) and I'm proud of it, because I'm not "uncool".

'Cos, who said geeks can't be cool, yea? *snort*

Anyway, you people who read my blog prolly wouldn't understand and would just scoff at my addiction to James Marsters and BtVS/Spuffy. *shrugs*

Just think about the Star Wars / Trek / Sailormoon / Naruto / Marvel figurines/comics(or whatever) you once/still stashed in your bedrooms.


"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

- William Ernest Henley

Spoiler ahead - War of the Worlds.

Wee! Just came back from the movies after watching "War of the Worlds".

Not gonna talk much about what happened in the movie, but I'll talk about the gist - I rate it 3*** out of 5 stars.

The war scenes and human emotions in play were awesome - Curiosity that led the people to the spot that a lightning hit repeatedly, gawk at the tripod-like robots that came out from the earth, jump onto the only working car - Tom Cruises' and everyone tried to "hijack" the car for their own use, and eventually shooting at each other during the struggle.

Then there was also the man in the basement who offered shelter to Tom and Rachel (the daughter) and seemed calm and collected, but instead was already driven slightly mad by the onslaught and wanted to fight the aliens. He was ultimately killed by Tom because he was getting pyschotic and might attract the aliens' minions searching the land for surviving humans.

I'm gonna skip over the fights' descriptions and how they operated etc, so I won't spoil the movie for you, but all I can say is, the reason why I gave 3stars and not 4, is that the ending was too abrupt.

The aliens were apparently unbeatable and invincible, and they had planted the tripod machines below our feets since millions of years ago before human existed, yet they died within a few days.

They had millions of years to plan the invasions, and I mean, there's UFOs and everything right?

With the alien abductions and everything, I thought they had learnt enough to prepare themselves. But nah, the most intelligent and advanced lifeforms in the universe decided to bypass the most important factor that differs Earth from other planets. Right.

Not gonna tell what caused the aliens' deaths... But I guess you should know. It's the ending of all aliens - They either get destroyed by some uber weaponrys like the nuke, or they die due to ********.

I reckon Spielberg could have done a better job for the ending.

Enjoy the lookie.

That actually means I'm posting alot of pictures today.

Here's the first. I bought them off Yahoo! Auctions a few days ago and I'd finally picked it up from the friendly seller in City Hall on Monday.

"Grr, argh! *Voice from the left: I'm one of the Gentlemen. Would you like me to cut your heart out?"* *Voice from the right: I'm the Master, bow down to me and never deny my orders!"

Went to Malaysia today. Didn't get the Kota Tinggi trip we were promised. My father said that Mei Rou (my half-sister) had school tuition so she can't skip it. Can't say I was totally surprised.

Xinyi, my youngest niece, smiling and waving for my digicam on our way into M'sia.

"Hi, I'm the adorable brat from the Lim family who will soon not be the youngest one to dote on in 5months, so I'm making the most of it. So there!" I then left my digicam in my "Jiu Jiu"'s car forgetfully.

We went to Holiday Plaza/Inn (Forgotten the name of the mall) immediately after a yummy lunch of Bak Kut Teh at "Zhu Ling".

Got myself these all from there:

2 pack of necessities, 1 pack of cutie-looking Pall Mall (Is it me or did the small pack shrunk in size again?), a shirt from Scratch, and a pair of sunglasses, complimentary of my bro and sis-in-law.

The shirt's meant for Mel but it fits us both so I imagine myself wearing it very often once he goes into NS in about 11 days' time.


Magic The Gathering, 20 years from now. Actually it's just an "old friends" gathering that I gather is a little awkward - From left to right: The bumper of my father's Rolls Royce, Mei Rou, my dad's wife, my dad, my "E-poh", my "Biao Jiu", my bro. Still, my dad and my Biao Jiu are on pretty good terms.

Still don't get what I mean? Alright, I'll enlighten you. The 3 white pants on the right are my mother's relatives, and the 3 on the left are my dad and his new family. So there.


My dad, and my 10 years old half-sis.

I admit, it stings to see my father apparently devoted to his current family after what he'd done to mine.



Do you understand what I am trying to indicate, with this picture? Look carefully. What do you see? Gates, 3 humans, a bungalow, tiles, and well, 4 cars. Three in the middle of the pic, and 1 near the backyard. There's also another car to the right side that I wasn't able to get on the pic.

Allegedly, they still have a Mercs and a couple other cars, a.k.a every freaking person in my E-poh's and Biao Jiu's house has a car for themselves. Maybe a spare family car if they wanna go out together. F*ck the cheap cars and land in M'sia.



My dad. The man who was never really in my life; I barely remember about him aside the incident when I was 2 or 3 years old - He slapped me when he returned home one day and I refused to share the slice of Gardenia bread I was munching on.

I picked up most of my traits from him - Bad temper, pauchy cheeks, night-owl, rebellious, lazy, charms. Yea, my bro and I are practically made from his mold...

So anyway, it was a taxing day for me; had to take care of Xinyi most of the time because she was acting like a brat for no reasons (The only reason I can derive is that she IS a spoilt brat. Full stop.) and holding some of their bags for my bro and sis-in-law. They should have just asked the maid to come along *Grouches*

Then I had to get laughed at by my bro and sis-in-law (even my mum, when she heard it later)when my dad and his wife commented that I've slimmed down a lil. That my eyeline was ugly just because she doesn't use or appreciate eyeliner, that the t-shirt I bought was too small and looked ugly on me.



Is it really that bad? I actually felt comfortable and nice-looking in it. Sigh.

I also ended up having a fight with my mum when I got home. A huge fight that ended up in me stomping out of the house and demanding that Mel come fetch me that instant.

Frankly, she'd never really got over my dad despite the valid reasons that forced her to leave him years and years ago. She was so cranky and gan jiong the day before I went to M'sia, she kept bombarding me with threats that I'll suffer for it if I get home late/delay everyone etc etc. She even bought a present and asked me to give it to my dad as if I bought it.

If my intuitions didn't prove me wrong, I think she was peevish that she never dared to face up to my dad all these years, and was taking it out on me when she suddenly started complaining I'd left too many working clothes over at Mel's, which adds up to a grand total of three tops.

I was fuming and thinking, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? GET OUT OF MY FACE! Feeling rather melachony myself, too!

I get a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y pissed off whenever she's like that - She complains and demands and threatens when she's cranky; She does everything that is clinically proven to piss people off.

I mean, I try to understand, you know, but it's so bloody hard everytime. Women in my family tend to just rattle off whatever is in their heads, and even if they regret it later, they're too head-strong to admit they are wrong.


A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.

- William Shakespeare

Mehhh.

Just got back from Mel's mum birthday celebration dinner. *Burp*

Logged on to Friendster and saw this:

Subject:
hi
Message:
hey !Wanna meet for do somethings, just msg me or call me .... ..!John the great rider. here is my no. 93819312.

Men. And the English. Brr. He's not even in my friend list!

Thank goodness I've been surrounded by oestrogen all my life and escaped the evil clutches of testosterones.

Yes, feel free to give prank calls to that guy on my account, and mock him for his English. I'm too tired to bother. Grazie, Molto gentile.

Anyway, if you've been watching Project Superstar, do give my junior from sec. sch a vote! M2 - Leon Lim. I'm real proud that someone from Naval Base Sec is able to fulfill his dreams.

My father wants us - namely me, my bro, my sis-in-law, and their daughter - to go to M'sia on Tuesday to celebrate his birthday.

When my mum called me, I was like, what the f*ck, he'd NEVER asked us to go celebrate his birthday before! Yea, I don't know his D.o.B. Heard that he's been asking about how I am from my brother when they chat occasionally over the phone. That's... nice, I guess.

Sometimes cusp of incandescence overtakes me and makes me scornful towards my parents for not giving me a complete childhood... I really love my mom, but, she was a mother whom I saw less than 2 hours a day, beat the daylight out of me and rummaged through my diaries and belongings, and a father who is more like a distant relative, who left my life since I was 3 and abused my mum.

That made the recalcitrant girl I am today.

I can't imagine what my life would be today, if I did not have my nanny take care of me for 11 years.

I'm not going to be ostentatious and say that I don't feel anything about my father, but it's only a longing that he's the father I don't really have.

Even tho he did want custody of me back then, I kinda felt like he has repudiated me over the years. You get what I mean?

I know some might say that it's better not to have a father, than to have a bad one. True... But still, I've kinda always wanted my father to be at the "red table" on the day I marry, but then, he wasn't around even when my bro got married(because of my mum's consort), so I guess it's fairly impossible.

Do I, do I need to buy a present for him? Man, I don't know! Maybe I'm panicking. My internal monologue is screaming, "Don't go! Don't go!" *Takes a deep breath*

Sigh. Nevermind, let's not talk about this. Anyway, I'm going to City Hall tomorrow to pick up my BTVS figurines! They're actually villian characters, but it's a start. Yay Yahoo Auctions!

Anyway, here's this:

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on educationYou may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Wow, this sounds familiarly like me. =P



My spirits, as in a dream, are all bound up.
My father's loss, the weakness which I feel,
The wreck of all my friends, nor this man's threats,
To whom I am subdued, are but light to me,
Might I but through my prison once a day
Behold this maid: all corners else o' the earthLet liberty make use of; space enough
Have I in such a prison.

- Ferdinand, The Tempest Act I, Scene II, William Shakespeare

Argh... Bad day.

Firstly, I lost the auction for the CD I pinned for - Apparently a dozen bids occurred when I was sleeping, and it ended one hour before I woke up.

Secondly, I had a weird dream when I napped in the afternoon(I'd just woke up, due to the nightmare).

It started as a festival or something, perhaps New Year, and everybody was revelling in the holiday gaieties. I was reminded by a friend that I should send my SMS of blessing(that apparently will appear in the sky for all to see) along with all the others.

I felt kinda... Well-loved, like I had many friends. Mel's 3rd aunt kept hugging me before I realised it was actually Mel.

Then 2 man gave my mum a box of stuff each, because she gave a list(mine, it was sorta a to-get list, for my own) and asked a man to get them so she do him a favour/forgive him. I know the list was mine because somehow, hp straps was the last item on my list.

Another man overheard and he went to get the things too. He got the better version; The first man got the cheaper and discounted version.

I heard commotions in an alley nearby, and I recognised the voice of my mother's consort, whom I always call uncle.

I heard him telling someone that I wasn't my mum's daughter. I went over angrily and saw that he killed a monster/demon which looked like a scarecrow, right after he told him that.

I wasn't afraid of the demon corpse. I had demons/monsters around me when I was walking down the stairs in the earlier part of my dream, and I didn't panic, or whatsoever.

I spat in uncle's face that I am my mum's daughter, and told him not to accuse me. I then turned on my heels and walked back to my mother. (Weird thing is, I don't hate him in real life; I kinda like him.)

I then took some nice looking diamond accessories and items I liked, and kept them in my small purse when my mum told me I'll lose them again anyway. I then told her she has another set.

Next scene zapped to my primary school's canteen (Yes, I dream of scenes happening in my Pri. Sch's canteen alot too, don't know why. The school was scrapped and conbined with Ang Mo Kio Pri. Sch years ago.) and my mum was sort of languid, so I went to buy her a cup of drink.

I bumped into my Cousin, Ah Yun jie-jie, who can be considered as my sister, because her parents, my Da Jiu and Da Jiu Mu, "guo qi", er, made her my mum's daughter in name for a few years because my mum's "8 characters"(Ba Zi) was strong and able to "hold down" my cousin's "8 characters"(maybe still now? I'm not sure. Funny Chinese traditions) so she's technically my sister.

So anyway, I bumped into her, and she went over to accompany my mum and I to talk awhile. Jasmine(my niece) magically popped up in that scene, taking over my mum.

Ah Yun jie-jie is a very sweet person, in real life and in the dreams, and she gave me a feeling that she was having troubles in something but I'm not sure what is it. She was pretty resolute to overcome the problem, and had a sanguine complexion, so we didn't worry that much.

I took a photo of her closing her eyes and smiling in determination, on my digi-cam.

The next day, Jasmine and Eileen(also my niece but she is the same age as me) were flipping thru the magazines.

We were worrying about someone(the memory of the someone is blurred... I can't remember. But I know we were worrying about her because she was a no-show for a day) and I was playing with my, well, megaphone (hehe) and thinking about the missing person.

Jasmine went rigid with tension as she flipped to a story, and shrouds of anxiety hit us.

First, we saw a picture of 3 teenage Malay boys with a different megaphone, stumbling for their balance, their countenance defiant.

Our hearts beat fast as she flipped to the next page with quivering fingers... And we saw my cousin(Ah Yun jiejie) dead, in a bathtub that had some water in it, and a megaphone indentical to the 1 the Malay boys held, dented into the bathtub beside her head.

We screamed in agony and shock, and some of my voice was emphasized thru the megaphone. I had a weird feeling James Marsters was there behind me, as my consort, as I heard his voice screaming with us.

It was then, that I finally woke up in fear.

I hope it's just a nonsensical dream... Apparently, that wasn't the first time I dreamt of someone dying. Heck, I've even dreamt of my ex, Leo, dead before, and nothing's wrong with him. Yes YOU, SyraLeo. Lol.

Weird, huh? Like I said in my May 7th entry, I like to dream. I like them when they are vivacious and funny, and I'm actually quite proud that I often manage to remember my dreams in details.

Albert Einstein needs a notepad and pen by his bedside to remember his dreams, but me? No no. *Taps head to emphasize*

Thing is, my dreams are sometimes deeply distressing; Deaths, quarrels, ghosts. This was one that frightened me.

Any professional care to analyse my dream for me? Sigh.



Be not afraid; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me that, when I waked,
I cried to dream again.

- (Caliban, The Tempest Act III, Scene ii), William Shakespeare