A new year.

T minus 3 hours to an entirely new year.

I did something out of character by cracking open my bottle of vodka and starting early with the festivities. Don't get me wrong; You know I drink like a fish, but when in the warm cocoon of my own room, I usually prefer to crack open a bottle of beer or indulge in a glass or two of red wine from my collection instead.

I guess the last day of every year is almost a mandatory moment for you to reminisce about what's happened in the past 364 days, and what lies ahead in the coming 365 days, but as I stood in the kitchen sipping my little cocktail 5 minutes ago, I pursed my lips and came up with nothing.

Maybe I've gotten lazy and refused to think, but I do know this - Life is not for indulging too long a time in contemplating... Life is not bliss, life is just this.

I know what I want. I know what I must do to get what I want. I remember all the fucked up shit that have happened to me in the past year, so DAMN if I allow them to happen again.

No pompous resolutions with illusion of grandeur this year, no bullshit, no promises that prolly couldn't be realised - It all sounds a little self-indulgent,  self-derogatory, debased, but I suppose this is what Jennifer Lim has evolved into. :)

No excuses.

No apologies.

No regrets.

Happy 2009 matey, yo ho~!

I get that... Sigh.


But well, all I can say is:



Loneliness has a way of creeping up on people, slowly but surely winding its vines around - constricting, suffocating, choking the life out of us.

In this instance, it has left such a gaping hole inside me, that every breeze generated by the slighest movement, felt like a hurricane swept through the core of my body. The stress from work did not make things better.

In sooth, I need to admit while this 'loneliness' depicted mainly of my status quo of a love life for the past 15 months(albeit having a few colourful characters thrown into it - Rodney the Rotten, "Backstreet Boy", the "2 apples I had at one go", D, King I., etc etc) it was also because of my apparent detachment from the world. I've always tried so hard to belong, but I could never quite fit in... The more I tried, the more I felt like the sore thumb that stood out.

People always tell me, "Don't look. It always hits you when you're not looking."

My dears, don't you understand? I haven't been looking. To be honest, all I have been looking for recently, was spots of fun; Carpe diem, c'est la vie and all that crap while hanging on to bits of sensitivity and decorum.

It wasn't until I met D that I thought, "Hey, insouciant and vivacious as this is, there could be more to this life that I'm leading."

When he left, my flicker of hope went along with him. The flames would flare and reflect in my eyes everytime we chat, but just as surely enough that my deep affections for him would never cease to be, my tiny sparkle of hope is sputtering to its end.

For now, I'm contended with fading into the woodworks. For now...


Breathe

Swish, splash, hush.
I plunged into the icy pool without a roar.
I tried to rub my arms for warmth,
But my skin was scruffed raw.

This pain,
It claws –
At my heart, my guts, my throat.
I can’t breathe.

Gnaw, slash, rip.
In all my vainglory, I am torpid inside.
A votary of destiny,
Its brusque decision had me pliant.

My struggle to fight deliquesced;
Life has placed a malediction on me.
Just leave me alone to lick my wounds –
I need to cleanse my soul.

I can’t breathe.

- Jennifer Lim
June 2006, edited December 2008.

This brave little soldier is trudging on.

So what if he's disappearing from your life? You're used to such things. You're made of stronger stuff. You can do this.

March on little soldier.