Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I can't do this anymore, mum.

Was told by my SIL on Sat late afternoon, to clear my rack of older shoes in the storeroom, which I didn't have the time to until Monday night(now). Was worried about my 2 most expensive pairs of heels in the rack that needed to be saved, and as per usual, my mum always chooses the most expensive items  of each lot to throw away. No, she couldn't call me to ask if she could touch or throw my stuff - she just did it "out of the kindness of her heart", as always, for the Nth time.

I know I sound like an ungrateful bastard who's bitching about her mother, but imagine growing up in an abusive household, and  your mother still smothers you, lies, bluffs, steals, and cries to get your pity to make you stay by her side, single-handedly ALWAYS discarding the most important things to you(photo albums you did up from scratch when you were younger, complete with memorabilia from your childhood, birthday gifts, most expensive watch I've ever bought, favourite dresses, favourite heels, most expensive bag I've ever received as a gift, etc) - it's a continuous cycle. She clears my stuff without my acknowledgement about 3 times a year, and without fail always manages to throw the dearer things. And exclusively done so when I'm NOT at home.

Thanks, Mother, you're a great help. Just because they didn't all look like LV doesn't mean they didn't cost me a pretty penny. And despite our repeated conversations about how you severely abused all 3 of us growing up, both emotionally and physically, you still believe you've did nothing wrong that has to be forgiven for, and that no matter what you did or still do, we still shouldn't abandon you.

Oh wait, let me correct myself - you "know" you were wrong for the things you've did to us or turned a blind eye towards, and while we still exist in your life despite the facts, you took it for granted and repeatedly bitches about how we don't pardon all your mistakes that you are constantly repeating.

Well yes, we won't abandon you, but you sure as hell don't deserve us caring about you. We will provide for you, mother, but you can't force us to care. Not anymore.

After all, I grew up without my biological father - technically I grew up without a biological mother too, because I was with my nanny's wonderful, caring family from birth to 12 years of age, and then I came home and got slapped, caned, chased after by a butcher's knife, diaries unlocked from cabinets and read, and called a shameless whore since the age of 13 - I certainly don't need you now.

I thought I did, because you're the only real parent I have left; my father is a deadbeat who stopped thinking about this family once he had his new daughter with his new wife 16 years ago.

But... Sometimes you just have to let things go, you know? Some things are not worth it, even parents. If they've caused you nothing but pain 99% of the time... No matter how much you've tried and how you've forgiven them and try to move on, no matter the fact how the 1% of familial happiness cannot be given to you by anyone else - it's sometimes just not worth it.

2016 seems like a pretty good year to let go of it all.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

A week on, after my 30th.

Didn't want to say this on my Facebook, and couldn't tell my "friends", lest they think I'm being emo and self-absorbed again - but my own brother and sister did not even wish me a happy birthday.

I'm not saying presents or ang bao or whatnot; literally not a single text or FB post or telling me in person, "Happy birthday". Even my mother, whom in recent years I've came to realise that I can't really trust, at the very least gave me a red packet(which I promptly had to return back in the form of her allowance) and cooked me some instant mee sua noodles for my birthday.

Seriously. Not a peep. Given my abusive childhood and emotionless familial interactions, I am honestly a little perplexed how I did not turn out into a freak or psychotic serial killer growing up in this household.